March 7, 2011

  • Update on Life

    I haven't done an entry in a couple months. Stop whining! It'll be okay. Especially since this might be a long entry since...shit kind of happens sometimes and it's been a couple months.

    Well, where to start? I guess we'll start with certain events that have lead up to this present moment. They are rather depressing, but I feel that they are necessary to blog about. After all, blogging is about talking about our lives.

    Unfortunately, the first event is the most depressing event and therefore the most important.

    Around 7:00 PM, my dad got a phone call from one of my aunts in North Carolina. It was on his cell phone so I wasn't aware at the time, and I was probably oblivious to reality by playing computer games. Even if my house caught on fire, I probably wouldn't be able to tell till I was on fire since I usually have headphones one since they are the only speakers that are fully function-able.

    I heard my dad talking to someone very faintly and there was a brief moment of silence until I could hear my dad crying. His crying sounded very fake, and I figured that my sister was making fun of him on the phone, calling him "fat" and "bald", but the crying lasted for an abnormally long time. In about 10 seconds of crying, I became concerned about what was really going on so I got up from my chair and noticed my dad standing in the doorway. My dad was most definitely crying, and he barely made out the words that our family dog has died by getting hit by a car.

    Considering his small and innocent size, he didn't have a chance. Even if it was a motorcycle, he probably would've died on impact. Considering the circumstances, he wasn't that bad off:

    1) He was having a good time, running around, and probably was oblivious to what was going on so he didn't see it coming.

    2) He was small, so he was probably died on impact if he was ran over by a car.

    At the time, it wasn't really the fact that the family dog died that made me upset, it was the fact that my grandmother had such an emotional attachment to it. That is a very...VERY...big problem. Allow me to explain:

    My grandmother likes to be in charge of people. My dad and her have had a number of arguments about who gets to have authority over me. After all, I live with my dad but HE lives with his parents so there's a question of authority over me. If I do something wrong, or fail to do something, my grandmother usually has to run it by my dad because he's the one who decides the consequences. Both my grandmother and dad are power hungry, so you can imagine that no compromises are made and everyone is just as upset the argument: I'm upset because I have to hear the argument and they take it out on me, my dad gets upset because his mom doesn't really care what he has to say, and my grandmother gets upset because no one will agree with her. Essentially, everyone loses. The arguments are pointless; my grandmother has even resulted in tears because of my failure to cooperate and do things around the house. She argues that she's getting old and that she needs help, and I respond back saying that I can't just do everything around the house because I don't know what everything is. If she wanted me to do something, I'm capable of doing something -- no one just bothers to ask and leaves it up to me to do it on my own.

    As you can imagine, now that her dog has died, things can potentially get worse.

    She's made threats to kick my dad and I out of the house, but she's never followed through with it because it would break her heart if I left (which I've personally witnessed after temporarily moving to Texas). Now, she's potentially became more of an alcoholic due to her grief, and a rise in frustration. And to make matters worse...she's coming home tomorrow, and I fully expect her to enforce living habits (such as getting a job, following orders, keeping everything cleaned, etc) or getting kicked out the house. I'm not going to say she's not entitled to do that, and I'm not saying that it's unreasonable. I'm 20 years old; I'm expected to grow up at this point and financially be able to support myself on my own, but I'm no where to being close to that point. 

    So because the dog died, I run the risk of getting kicked out the house.

    Normally, it wouldn't be a problem because I could spend 100 dollars on gas and travel to Texas to live with my best friend again, but him and I are not on the same page. Ever since he dedicated himself to a girlfriend, he's lost interest in spending time with me so our friendship is slowly deteriorating. So if I were to get kicked out, I would essentially become homeless. 

    However, because the dog died really fucked me up psychologically. I was already upset with my life as it was, and having the dog die pretty much resulted in me hitting rock bottom. I was more upset than I thought, even if I never cried at any point during that day. I could hardly pay attention in school, let alone go to both classes. I wrote a lot of poetry for the next couple weeks, I contemplated suicide, started writing a suicide note and everything. 

    I'm back to where I was before, not significantly better but don't plan on driving over a cliff anytime soon.

    And I realize I didn't type everything that went on in this entry and that's because I'm tired. Suck it up.