April 1, 2011

  • EXTREMELY LONG ENTRY...

    I have a headache and REALLY don't feel like doing an entry right now, but I won't be doing anymore entries for a while because I'll be busy doing school work. Last week, I just got done with a 12 page English project (which I got a 95 on) and an English test afterwards (which I won't know till Monday...but I'm guessing that I got an A). Now that those two are done, I gotta worry about another Calculus project (which might not be as bad as my first project because it'll require some research), and a research paper on a social problem in Sociology II. I also have a test in Sociology and Calculus; but I'm not worried about my Sociology because I got an 84 on my last test without studying. Even though I got a lot on my plate, I trust that I'll turn things on time. On my 12 page research paper I did in English, I told myself that I trust myself and I am willing to wait till I was ready to start. So I waited until I decided to get down to business and ended up writing 12 pages instead of the minimum requirement of 6 pages. You read correctly, I wrote 6 more pages than required.

    As I mentioned in the title, this entry is going to be rather quite long so I'm going to something entertaining: I just finished building my first model car. On my birthday, I received gift cards, money, a jack for my car, and a '67 Mustang Fastback 1:24 model. My intention for building a model car was to develop a new hobby; but after I completed the model car in three days, I really don't think it'll be something to keep me occupied. it's also a pretty expensive habit, and not knowing whether I'll get the job at Krogers...I really don't want to spend money that I'm not sure I'll earn it back in time for when I need it. Since I eventually received my Kodak ZI8 HD camera in the mail, I've managed to take over 30 pictures of the progress on the model car (not extensive but you get the idea of what all that I did).

    A couple days before my birthday, I learned something about myself that really helps me understand who I am. I consulted with a forum that I've been a member of since 2005 about some problems I've been experiencing in life, and people told me that I may be a realist. It's funny that they mention that I'm a realist because I've learned about realism in my English class before they even mentioned it. Realist people think objectively; they are neither pessimistic or optimistic, but they see the world as it is. I'm not proud of being a realist; I wish I could be optimistic about the world. I would certainly be much more happier if I was optimistic about things, but I believe that my mind is largely influenced by realism. That explains why I'm not optimistic about marriage, or why I didn't cry when I was told that my grandmother's dog died. 

    Perhaps I wasn't always a realist; maybe I'm a realist because it's my way of coping with reality. Who knows! But I believe that knowing this information will make me feel a lot better about myself because I used to believe I was just pessimistic because I was going through shit. Then I realized that I've been thinking pessimistic thoughts even BEFORE I was going through shit. Now that I realize that I think objectively (for the most part unless my emotions get the best of me), it helps me understand why I've made certain decisions. That day I had my first accident, all that could've been prevented. Before I hit my brakes, I made a decision to hit the car even though I could've avoided hitting the BMW and swerve into a street but I didn't because school kids were walking along the streets and I didn't want to put a child's life in jeopardy. It was a stupid decision because I could've avoided hitting the BMW, but I hit the BMW because I thought it was the right thing to do. It wasn't because I had no other choice because I had to make a decision even before I stepped on the brakes. During the time, I thought that hitting the BMW was the right decision. I was upset, logically, because two months earlier I explained to my sister that I wouldn't get into a car accident. If I was as a responsible driver as I thought I was, I could've prevented the accident. 

    When I realized I was a realist, I wanted to call off my birthday; especially when my grandmother threatened to never cook food for my dad and me again. If she wasn't going to cook food for me, I don't think she should cook food on my birthday because that would promote a "fake behavior." I was really upset the day before my birthday because I was sick of all the threats that my grandmother was making. I don't like to be told that I'm going to get kicked out of the house; I've been told that for a year or two and I don't think something like that should be taken lightly. That's one of the main reasons why I started looking for a job anyways because I'm more concerned about my education at this point. I could move in with David, but David and I both know that it wouldn't work out too well; his girlfriend hates me, I dislike her, and essentially it'd get to the point where David would kick me out and I'd have no where else to go. This may be a dark and depressing thought, but I will never become homeless because the day I lose everything is the day I will take my own life. Hearing my grandmother talk about kicking me out is literally a matter of life and death. As you can imagine, those threats are more serious than she thinks. I don't want to die, but I truly believe that I would kill myself before I'd become homeless. Some good news though is that my grandmother and I talked and she apologized after I told her to call off the birthday because I don't want her to cook for me when she doesn't want to, and she said that she's not going to kick me out until I get an education. However, at this point, I could be in school for several years. Next Thursday, I scheduled an appointment at 11:00 AM to visit my counselor about taking a career assessment test. Hopefully after that point, I'll have a better idea of what I want to do with my life. If not, it was worth a try...right? At least I'm putting forth more effort into making a decision. I also found out that I need 60 credit hours to enroll in their TAG program; which allows a student to get a guaranteed admission into a certain university. I have no idea how many credits I have, but I know that I'll need to be going to GPC a couple more times taking science classes and shit that I really don't want to take (I hate Science...if you can't tell). I like Sociology, but I hate science.  

    Even if I could transfer, I'm not sure I'd have enough money to attend a university. HOPE scholarship requirements got changed to the point that it'll affect me. With a 3.0 GPA, I'll only be able to get 90% of my tuition covered (which may seem like no big deal but 10% can be a lot when you attend universities that cost tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. If I stay at GPC, all my tuition should be paid for but I'd be getting less money from financial aid (which I can't really complain because I'm given free money from tax payers so any money is good). If I didn't get money from my school, I wouldn't have the luxury of driving my car because I wouldn't have car insurance. I also wouldn't have a new computer, new cell phone, Zune, watch, etc. So hey...1,000 dollars, 2,000 dollars...any amount helps. That's not an optimistic point of view; that's an observational point of view. Ya see?!

    There's other things that I could talk about, but I'll hold off on them. The last thing I'll add before I leave the rest to pictures of my model car is that I took the drug test last week so there's a good chance I'll get hired. Hopefully I do because that'll help prevent my grandmother from kicking me out of the house, it'll give me an opportunity to earn some money (so I can finally afford to sell my car and get a manual instead with better gas mileage). I'm afraid it'll affect my grades, but I should be focused on GETTING the job first. I probably won't know what's gonna happen till Monday. 

    Anyways, that's all for now. Enjoy the pictures.