June 8, 2011

  • I've been really upset...

    It's hard to realize that my last entry was the on June 3rd, 2011; it honestly feels like a century ago when I last posted about my life. However, June 3rd hasn't been that long ago; in fact, it's only been 5 days. It's safe to say that the time has been consistently slow; sometimes I found myself waking up early in the morning, look at my alarm clock, and then look at my alarm clock what feels like 5 minutes later and finding that it's the same exact time as it was. It used to be that a minute was 60 seconds; now I feel like a minute is 120 seconds. Even when I play video games, sleep, or go to work, time is consistently slow. The things I used to latch onto for emotional support (games, sleep, etc) are no longer needed because I have exactly what I've always wanted; a feeling of completeness, a feeling of satisfaction, etc. When people used to tell me that "there's someone out there for everyone," I didn't always believe it. I was too pessimistic about love and relationships that I settled for nothing; not really "settled," but I was more in denial of my true feelings of loneliness. Every woman I've dated were the same, and they all failed. This one, however, is still going. It's hard to realize but I've dated my girlfriend for a month, and we'll be spending 2/3 our relationship in separate countries. I know that it'll be good for us because, for her, she has to spend time with family and have operations, but it's good for me because it gives me a reality check. At the rate we were going, and the feelings I had toward her, I honestly feel that I would jump to conclusions and risk our relationship by marrying her. There no denial on how great I felt, how right everything was, that I thought that THIS is my opportunity, THIS is the girl of my dreams, and THIS is what will complete my life; not only do I feel this way, but too an extent, she does also. The best feeling is not only feeling comfortable letting down your fences, but also knowing that your girlfriend is willing to let down hers. It is extremely difficult; her and I both know this simply because of our knowledge about the world. Things fall apart; the question is when? Will it be when we die? Or will it be tomorrow? That's what I'm afraid of. I could tell you write now, write this in blood, bet every penny that I earn from now until the end of my life, that I could love this woman for the rest of my life if she gave me the chance. The choice to break up? It's simply non-existent. Why? Because breaking up with her would be breaking up with me. I would essentially be shooting myself in the foot, cause heartache and pain, and who knows what I would do at that point. The choice is all hers, and I hope that it never happens.

    I don't want it to happen because, like I mentioned in here (or previous entry), she is what completes me; she is my other half. When something bad happens to her, something bad happens to me. When she feels sad, I feel sad. When she feels angry, I feel angry. When she feels hurt, I feel hurt. Because I can't be with my girlfriend while she's in Brazil, I can only wait to hear her voice or read her text about what's been going on. If something bad were to happen to her, I wouldn't know about it until she or someone told me. Sometimes I have dreams about saving her life, and I also have nightmares about her dying. I don't like it when I'm in a position that I can't control; if something were to happen to her, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it because I'm in another country. By the time I bought a plane ticket and traveled 10+ hours, I could be too late or the situation could already be over. This brings me back to the title of my entry: I've been really upset...

    Around 12:30, I received a text from one of my girlfriend's friends. At first, I didn't bother to text because I was at work and I planned on looking at the text in the bathroom; I didn't think it was important because it wasn't even my phone. When I was able to use the restroom, I whipped out her cell phone and checked the message. Here's what it said:

     

    "Your girlfriend IMed me on fb and told me to tell u to get on now. Something's happened"

    I wasn't exactly sure what I read, so I read over it. My girlfriend...IMed her on fb and told her to tell me to get on...now. Something's happened. Wait...something's happened? Get on now?! I can't! I'm at work! So, I responded:

    Me: "I cant im at work what happened"

    Her: "She said it's ok, she'll let u know when u get home"

    Then I thought, originally I was told to get on now because something happened. I knew it was something bad and therefore all bad things are bad. But then things got worse:

    Her: "She's ok so don't worry, she just wants to talk to you pretty badly"

    Still sitting on the toilet, I realized that the message was completely contradicting. Don't worry? Don't WORRY?! If you want to talk to someone pretty badly, then there must be a valid reason why. At this point, my hands were shaking:

    Me: "About what just tell me what happened i cant get on right now please"

    I ended up calling her. I convinced my girlfriend's friend to tell me what happened and I found out...

    that my girlfriend got bit by a dog.

    My hands started to shake even more. When I heard the news, I glanced up at my bathroom door and had the sudden urge to punch it. However, sitting next to me, a man was listening in on the conversation and I did the only logical thing to do; I stormed out of the bathroom nearly to the point of tears, told my supervisor what was going on, and explained that I needed to get off work to find out what was going on. She allowed me to get off work, but I'm not sure what's going to happen with my job. I offered to work tomorrow to make up my hours, and I'll wake up a little early to ask if I can work today to make up my hours, but I'm not sure if there's much that I can do. Hopefully everything will be okay as far as work was concerned. At that point in time, however, I had a mixture of feelings. Just recently, I got over spending from 7 AM to 4 PM worried that my girlfriend was going to have surgery with public healthcare; yes, the public healthcare in Brazil that many people call "substandard" and "unsanitary." Now this? I couldn't believe it! Just one thing after the next. Also, considering I was having nightmares about my girlfriend wasn't helping the situation. If my girlfriend is to spend till July 30th in Brazil and yet we've only managed to be apart for 6 days, then what is the REST of the time going to be like? What's going to happen next?

    Obviously, like anyone, I was upset. How would you react if your significant other got bit by a dog and you don't even know the full details? She says she'll be okay, but what does "okay" mean? Has half her face been peeled off? Is she confined in a wheelchair? Has she contracted rabies? "Okay" to her must be "alive" and I believe that's too general of an answer. Of course you're okay, but the question is WHAT HAPPENED? 

    As far as I know, my girlfriend was petting a dog in someone's yard and one of the guard dogs OF that yard and thought that the dog was being hurt (or he could've been just jealous). My girlfriend looked away, and without warning, she found the guard dog on top of her. She had to get stitches in two spots: near her chin, and near her cheek. As far as I know, the dog managed to cause two deep cuts, along with scratches. The scratches will probably heal, but the deep cuts might result in some scaring. My girlfriend suggests that she was stitched up by a very qualified doctor, and therefore there will be minimal scaring. However, I will not know how much scaring there is until in a couple weeks.

    People have told me that she is "lucky," however they had a poor choice of words. No, no one is every lucky to be bitten by a dog for doing no damn thing. She is luckier than some people who have been bitten by dogs because:

    1) There was a group of people around her, and
    2) the dog had its shots, apparently.

    Therefore, it could've been a lot worse; however, people were able to react quickly and rushed her to the emergency room.

    But I guaran-fucking-tee you that if I was there, none of it would of happened. I know guard dogs, and I know what they're capable of doing. People underestimate the power of animals; they can be nice, but they have a superiority complex and tools to utilize that superiority. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to help. It could've been worse, which I'm very thankful for, but something like that shouldn't happen. I would rather it try to take a chunk out of me than her because I'd be in less pain. Like her, I'm suffering because I don't want to see her in pain; I want to take all that pain and put it in me instead. However, that's not physically possible at this point so I'm shit out of luck for my generation.

    ...Point is that I'm deeply upset at this moment in time. Within these past 6 days since my girlfriend's been gone, things haven't been going that great. Not only that, but time has been going slow; not a good combination. It's just one thing after the next. I just want her back here, so we can continue our amazing relationship and perhaps move onto bigger things in our lives.

    In other news, my car needs work BAD. I'm waiting for my mechanic to find time to come here to work on my car, but he hasn't called back yet. So right now, I'm just...taking each day by day. Nothing more I can do at this point but wait patiently. sad