September 8, 2011

• What Love Feels Like (Special Blog Edition)

  Before April 28th, the only "love" I've ever felt for someone was my sister; as her big brother, it wasn't always the case. When I was a kid, my sister says, I've made death threats to her; the only one she's mentioned to me is that I threatened to run her over in my car when I was old enough to drive. I don't personally remember saying something like that, but apparently my sister did. When I started getting older, I began to realize that I didn't treat her so well and started to develop the role of a bigger brother. Eventually, I developed a sense of unconditional love for my sister because I wanted her to succeed where I failed. I wanted to be a role model, but I knew that I made terrible choices and therefore I wasn't the kind of person that my sister should look up to. My dad is even worse off; he's in his late 40's and doesn't have much of a life. I grew up without a role model, and I wanted to be that role model for my sister because of unconditional love. I've said some bad things to my sister because of disagreements, but the bottom line was that I said and did all the things I've done in the past because, deep down, I loved her. I remember when she graduated high school and the family went to a nice restaurant, and I gave a small speech about how happy I was for her.

  Before April 28th, most of my dreams consisted of saving someone's life. For the most part, my sister's life was the life I saved the most, but it was also random people. For some reason that I don't understand, I had a fascination with saving a life; not because I cared about their survival necessarily, but because saving someone's life would make me feel like I belong in the world. A new sense of purpose.

  Before April 28th, I've spent many years convincing myself that I wasn't worth anything, and that I was better off dead. I wanted to risk my life for someone because I also felt that people deserved life more than I did. Essentially, I saw my sister as the life that should prosper while my life should shrivel up and disappear. I wanted to sacrifice my life for my sister because I loved my sister more than I loved myself. Deep down, I didn't care about anyone else. On several occasions, I was close to attempting suicide but held on because I didn't want my sister to live with the fact that her big brother committed suicide. Essentially, she was one of the only reasons why I was still alive.

  I had a small group of REAL friends in high school, and I loved them (but not as much as I loved my sister). If the opportunity were to arise, I would risk my life to save my friend's life; it wouldn't be out of compassion, but complying with the self-torture I was giving myself. Because I felt my life was worthless, I wanted to sacrifice my life for a friend because they deserved to live more than I did.

  I was able to feel love for someone, which I used to believe otherwise, but I never experienced "true" love until April 28th, 2011.

  Before that date, I didn't think such a love existed; I thought that love was just a four letter word describing a whole bunch of emotions. Let's face it...I was a guy who was torturing himself by claiming that life isn't worth living for because my life is worthless and I benefit but rather take up space. A blob of fat. True love? That was the last thing that I deserved and yet my subconscious kept fighting to at least get to the point of finding a relationship.

  When I finally managed to go on a date with Kathleen, my life instantly changed. Never in my life have I been able to look at a woman and feel confident that this is it. This is my moment. This is the answer to my life, to my prayers; everything that has happened in my life has lead up to this moment.

  I fell...I fell hard, and I fell fast. I didn't even see it coming; my defenses were knocked down as if she just stepped through the front door. One minute, I felt like all hope was lost and I'm going to end up killing myself if I don't get the opportunity to save someone's life through sacrifice, and another minute...I'm surrounded by ideas of marriage, dating, happiness, and every positive feeling I could describe.

  For several months, those feelings were conflicting with my original feelings; the good was literally clashing with the bad. The black clouds over my head has been hiding the sun for so long, and the sun finally managed to break through the clouds.

  I felt warm.

  Everyday I'm with her, my heart melts. When I wake up next to her, I ask what I've done to deserve such a wonderful person. Why is she with a guy like me? The bad wants to come back, but knowing that I'll see her again gives me the strength to tackle mountains.

  Before I met her, I felt like a bird without its wings; not only has she glued back my wings, but she's searched through thorn bushes to find the heart that I originally thought I never had to begin with.

  I feel more alive than I have ever felt in my entire life.

  In the beginning, I asked what true love felt like. If no female would ever truly love me, then the least I can get is the experience of knowing what it feels like. Now that I have experienced it, I know that true love exists.

  And after all these years of wanting to save someone's life, mine was the one that needed saving. She saved my life; as a result, I am a new person.

  Life is beautiful.

  • 11:22 am
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