May 13, 2012
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Update on Relationship
On Tuesday night, my girlfriend and I had a rough patch. It all started when I had a serious talk with my girlfriend about her going to the Bahamas and celebrating her 21st birthday. As many people know, 21 is the legal drinking age. As many people don't know, I detest alcohol. Not only is alcohol not my cup of tea, but I just don't want it in my life. I don't like being around it, I don't like being around people drinking alcohol, I don't wanna hear about, and I just don't want to be involved with it. Apparently, before I started dating Kitty...I failed to realize that her OkCupid profile marked "social drinker" or I just brushed it off. I've looked at her profile a lot before we started dating, and I'm concluding that I fell in love with her so quickly that I blocked it out of my mind and pretended that it wasn't going to be an issue. I'm not certain why I continued talking with her, but that's the way it happened. As you can imagine...that was a potential problem because not only is alcohol not my cup of tea, but I just don't want to be involved with it.
Over the course of our relationship, we've talked about that difference between each other; several times they've resulted in arguments. I'm fairly certain that she's been close to breaking up with me, and I want to say the same thing...but unless she does something absolutely horrid (like cheat on me), then I'll just end up biting the lemon. The truth is that I would almost never break up with her. We may get into an argument, I may threaten to leave, but I can guarantee you that I wouldn't walk 500 feet from her dorm without regret. It's funny how arguments turn out because, in the end, I'd be snuggling with her.
Tuesday night was probably the worst argument we've had. They've been escalating for a little while, and I know why...but I'll get to that later on in the entry. I don't want to what exactly happened that night, but things really tore me up. When my girlfriend mentioned that I didn't care about her, I kind of just lost it. She knew she didn't mean to say it because she knew it wasn't true, but it still got to me. That night, we were both in the wrong. She ended up giving me two sleeping pills that knock me the fuck out. I was passed out by the time she went to bed, and I don't even remember saying good night to her. I can't even remember saying that I loved her, when it was the last night I'd spend with her before she'd go to the Bahamas.
Now...I know what you're thinking...I've done this shit before. Instead of being without her for 9 days, think about two months (check out my June-July 2011 entries for that shit). I mean...we were only dating since April by that time, deeply in love, wanted to spend every second with her, and that shit sucked! I lost about 10-15 pounds because I wasn't eating enough. Woke up early, worried my ass off, etc. 9 days is nothing compared to what I had to deal with for those two months. That shit was ridiculous. When comparing to the 9 days I'm experiencing right now, I don't even know how I managed! I mean...yeah, it's only 9 days, but it's 9 days. I know it's not much, but it feels a lot longer. Time goes by incredibly slow; it's actually times like these when I want to do nothing but work. At least with work, I have somewhat of an occupied mind. Plus, I don't usually breakdown in public. Very rarely have I cried; let alone shed a few tears. However, I almost did when my girlfriend was in the first security checkpoint towards Bahamas. I said good-bye once to her, but it wasn't enough; I turned around and looked at the Airport exit and I could not bring myself to leaving without seeing her just one more time. Even still, it wasn't enough. I had to break through the line telling people that I was just going to say good-bye to my girlfriend, and one of the Study Abroad women said that she was about to cry because of what I did.
Shit! I was about to cry as well! In fact, I choked up as I turned my back. I power walked out of the airport because I didn't want to tempt myself from going back and saying goodbye again because I knew that she was already close to passing through the checkpoint and there was nothing I could do after that.
It was funny because one of the first songs I heard on the radio was called "Faithfully" by Journey.
I'm forever yours...faithfully.
And then some other bullshit love song came on and I was like...what the hell is this? I already felt bad enough as it is sending my girlfriend to the Bahamas with the shit that went on the night before. The shit I've put her through, I don't even understand why she's even still with me. Again, I'm gonna add to that but later.
The two months of being without her makes me feel a lot better about these 9 days. I do feel lonely, I do miss her more than anyone could ever imagine, but I act perfectly normal. I'm pretty much living a normal life. I send her tons of text messages (which she's not going to appreciate when she gets signal again coming back to America...), I've replied to her first e-mail (and only e-mail she's sent so far) two or three times, but I'm able to manage. The thing that has helped out the most was bringing along her work shirt. The reason why I brought it back to the house is because it's the shirt she wears the most in a week, and it's the shirt she's most likely to put her perfume on. As you can imagine, the smell is strong and I'm able to smell her. It brings me temporary happiness cause I can more accurately imagine being next to her.
I know it's more of a feminine thing to do, but you know what? FUCK YOU. It brings me joy, okay?
So I've been having to deal with that. The only reason why it's been tough is because I haven't been able to contact her. Her phone doesn't get service in the Bahamas, so I can't call or text her on the cell phone. I'm sure she could call me on a pay phone or something else with a long distance phone card, but I'm just going to assume that:
1) she doesn't have the time
2) and she can't call me without paying a large amount of money.So I've kind of just sucked it up and hoped that I'd be able to talk to her on the internet, but the only thing I've gotten was an e-mail saying that she loves me, wants me to be there, and that she's okay. In a way, it's a good thing because we'll have so much more to talk about, but at the same time...I miss my girlfriend! I want to hear her voice. Even in Brazil, she's managed to talk to me. If I wasn't able to communicate with her like I'm lacking now for the Bahamas, I would've gone fucking crazy. Thankfully, it's only 9 days. I know it could be worse. The only thing I'm worried about is fucking things up. I don't want her to come home and start thinking how bad of a boyfriend I am or something like that and dating some other guy...cause I'd like to think that we have a lot in common and I truly feel a connection between us. If she ends up not feeling that connection that I feel, I'm fucked. Just. Absolutely. Fucked.
I don't even wanna mention what would happen. I don't even wanna think about it. I just hope it doesn't come to that, and I know that's not the right mentality when it comes to relationships...but I'm in love with a woman that I want to marry and have kids with. And to be able to say something like that should not be taken lightly.
Our one year anniversary was awesome. It's safe to say that I went all out because I wanted it to be extra special. I bought her an Anniversary ring, and a Nintendo 3DS. You can also count me paying for her ticket to Six Flags where I rode my first upside down roller coaster ride with her. After 22 years, she was the first person to be with me riding an upside down roller coaster. It was Batman, and it was Batman because my girlfriend said that it was a good first time ride and that it had pictures. I wanted to buy a picture for Batman and have it framed, but I found out as we sat on the ride that it didn't have cameras. Instead, I bought pictures while riding the Georgia Scorcher. Not my first upside down ride, but it was my first time riding that roller coaster so I didn't exclude its importance.
My girlfriend got me Kinect...which is awesome because I've always wanted a Kinect.
Since I bought a couple video games for Kinect, the anniversary gifts, I was already down by a lot of money. Every paycheck, I set aside 50 dollars in my savings account...and it took a long time to get up to 950 dollars. Then I needed my brakes replaced for my car. Now I got almost 200 dollars, and my car is in the shop because it broke down.
Now is where it gets rather depressing (you thought the above was depressing...read this).
My sister recently graduated from university. She got a job at Carmax as a Statistics Analyst, and she'll be making between 50-60,000 dollars a year. She's got a career with a good salary. She's almost 21 years old.
I am quite a different story. I can't even graduate from a community college, and I have a job making 7.35 an hour. I'm 22 years old. As you can imagine, I'm very disappointed with myself; not because my sister got a career before I did, but because I'm off track. I've been off track for many years. While people were contemplating about what kind of career they wanted in high school, I spent most of my high school contemplating when and how I was going to kill myself.
It wasn't the best time for me.
As time went on, I didn't take my life very seriously. Part of the reason why I went to a community college was because I didn't care about my future. Why pay so much money for a university when it didn't really matter? I took core classes just to show my family that I was pretending that I was doing something with my life...but I never had an answer about why I was doing it. I have a major in communications, a general degree, and that's because I...again...didn't think it really mattered.
You catch my drift?
I didn't take anything seriously, and as a result...I got severely off-track. In 2009 or something, I wanted to go into the military to basically sign up for the government and have them legally get me killed. I wanted someone to shoot me. I wanted to be deployed to Afghanistan, and I wanted to just fucking die saving someone else's life. My future didn't matter, so why in the hell would I think about what kind of career I wanted, or just a degree that I wanted to pursue in? I'd probably be graduated by now considering I've been going to school mostly full-time, but going to school just to do it is not the same thing as going to school to get a degree. There's different motivations. I suffered because of my suffering, and THEN my girlfriend comes along and really makes me feel like shit about feeling like shit.
I wish things were different, but they turned out the way they turned out. I lost 4 years of valuable thinking time about my career and etc, and now...all the sudden, I gotta start thinking about that shit. It's not so easy when everybody around you is graduating and you're stuck at a dead-end job living with your grandparents. I can't help but feel worthless, and I don't feel worthless because I know I fucked up...I feel worthless because I don't think I can be what she wants in a man with the amount of time given.
My sister and girlfriend are very similiar...they're geniuses, they know what they want to do in their life, and know how to get it. My sister already has...she's set. She's going for her masters and she'll end up making even more money. My girlfriend is making high grades, fluent in three languages, and can easily get a good paying job as an interpreter or something. I know I'm just making excuses as to not change my life, but you gotta admit...this shit ain't easy to deal with. So I've been dealing with nothing but stress, and that's mostly the reason why my girlfriend and I have had rough patches lately because...I'm just upset about everything, that's all.
I just hope she'll forgive me. I'm sure it's all fine though.
I'm done...so much typing, but I just wanted to update my Xanga on my relationship.
PS...don't conclude that I'm not satisfied with the relationship. I love my girlfriend, and I'll do anything to ensure that we stay together. I'm sure my girlfriend will do the same.
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