July 1, 2012

  • First time designated driver

    Last night, I got home around 3 AM because I offered to be a designated driver for "girl's night out." My girlfriend and her friends went to Applebee's and I waited in the parking lot for a little while before I got hungry -- unfortunately, it was 11 by the time I realized I only ate once that day, and the nearest Publix and fast food restaurants were closed. I didn't want to go into Applebee's because it would've been awkward, but I wanted a cherry coke and a quick order of fries to satisfy. I walked in and immediately noticed my girlfriend and her friends from across the room and tried my best to be secret. Apparently I was seen because as my waitress sat me down near a table across the room from them, I saw Kathleen come from the distance and wanted me to sit with them. Her other friends said it was all right, but I honestly just wanted to be alone with just me and my thoughts. My waitress had that look in her eyes and tone in her voice that asked "are you okay?" It was that awkward tone. I don't really blame her because when I walked into Applebee's, she asked "hi, how are you doing?" I didn't answer because I was looking at my girlfriend trying to have a good time when just a little while ago...her and I were balling our eyes out. Again. The waitress came into focus and then she asked again, only this time I actually responded with "I'm good. Just one."

    She asked me where I would like to sit, and I pointed to across the room. I had two choices: sit near the girls, or sit across from the girls. I didn't even want to look at them. I didn't even want to be alive. For the first time in a while, I felt alone. I sat down at the table and I felt like it was my last meal alive. What is a guy like me doing with a beautiful woman like that? I don't even deserve her. I'm someone that should stay away from society. Maybe signing up for that dating service was a bad choice -- being single was simple and I didn't have to worry about all the shit that I worry about now. Since I'm not single and with the woman that I believe is the woman of my dreams, there's an unlimited amount of things that I worry about that about drives me over the edge. I feel like I'm headed for disaster.

    After Applebee's, I dropped the girls off at the Coronet club. If you don't know what kind of club that is...it's a strip club for women. Looking at the entrance while I was sitting in the car on the other side of the street reminded me of how much I dislike strip clubs. Grotesque places. Wasting money on naked men/women while drinking over-priced alcohol, and women claim that it's fun. The more I thought about everything in the car, the more I just wanted to give up. I was tired, the temperature was still hot enough to where I almost broke a sweat with the windows rolled down, and I couldn't help feeling like everything that is going on right now...my girlfriend receiving a private lap dance, going to the club, drinking alcohol, is because I've failed to be a boyfriend. Of course I could feel that way considering we previously spent 30 minutes or so before driving to Applebee's arguing back and forth, exchanging punches through words, breaking each other down until I was convinced that she didn't want anything to do with me. I seriously was about to break up with her -- she believes that it's because I was bored of her, or something along those lines, but the reason why I wanted to break up with her was because I have the feeling that she isn't satisfied. The last place that you will ever see me at is a strip club, drinking alcohol, or anything along those lines that might even HINT your dissatisfaction...either with your partner, or yourself. I don't wanna deal with that shit anymore. I've been really upset about how things have been turning out lately, and I'm not sure if marriage is really all that realistic...at least successful marriage. We'll get married, if we stay together that long, but do we see each other together for the rest of our lives? I certainly do. I don't want anybody else because I feel like I've found the best woman for me. Does she feel the same way after last night? Honestly...I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes, you really can't tell what a woman is thinking. Right now, I just feel like crawling up into a corner and holding myself. I just want someone to tell me that I've been doing the right things and they understand how I feel, but right now...I feel like I'm a monster to society.

    I wish that I could be like everyone else. I wish I could be the "man" that my girlfriend wants in a guy, but I feel that I'm a large disappointment and it's all just a ticking time bomb. I don't know what to do anymore. It reminds me of a blues song "I'm a prisoner, captured in your eyes. I've been taken...I've been hypnotized." At this point, there's nothing I can do. I'm fucked, and I guess I'm okay with it.

    Don't mind me...I've just been upset. Life sure is beautiful sometimes, isn't it?