September 8, 2012

  • Philosophy About Life

    For a long period of time, before I met Kathleen, I thought that life was a complete fucking joke. Sometimes I still feel that way, actually. I've concluded that the reason why I've slacked off is not only because I was depressed, but because I've failed to take life seriously. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism. When you're born, your parents prepare you for school to learn. In elementary school, they prepare you to learn in middle school. In middle school, they prepare you to learn in high school. In high school, they prepare you for college. In college, they prepare you for a career. During your career, they prepare you for death. Once you get old enough to retire, the rest of your life is going through the phase of accepting your inevitable death.

    That's not even the best part -- the best part is when people tell you that you never work a day in your life if you do what you love. The best part is when school counselors tell you that getting a college degree is essential to your life, one of the most important things you'll ever achieve, because it opens up opportunity for a "better" future. We're shielded from the truth that, at the end of the day...we all die. We're shielded from the truth that...it's all still work whether we enjoy it or not. When we take time out of our schedules to do something obtaining money, we're working. If we didn't have to work, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to clean, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to wash dishes, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to work out, we wouldn't. Everything we do takes input, and that input is determined by how much work you put into it. Even if I had the most amazing job in the world, I'd still have to work. For a long time, civilizations needed a form of currency in order to afford goods and services, and the only way to make money is by working -- doing something to obtain that currency. It could be dealing drugs, selling lemonade, mowing lawns, law enforcement, protecting your country, driving a celebrity around town, or anything else. People frown on homeless people because they think that they've all given up on life and resorted to drugs and alcohol -- sometimes, in reality, people are just unfortunate.

    Sometimes I think the whole world is a joke. How can I take it seriously? I'm going to die. There's no getting around it, and I've failed to see the importance of life. It's all preparation. Before the ages of 3 is the most innocent moments of our life, and our brains won't even allow us to remember them. By the time you retire, you're enjoying the rest of life using the money you've saved up from working your whole life -- by that time, some of your friends are dead, some family members are dead, and you're ultimately trying to find stuff to keep you busy and active until you croak. Maybe you'll go work for Wal-Mart part time for the benefits, or work at Kroger because you realize that you need a family more now than ever before and they're all probably too busy to relax because they're spending too much time preparing for shit. You don't have time to relax anymore because the economy has gone to shit, you've got bills to pay, and you're dedicating a lot of your available time to studies under the assumption that you're going to get a good job by the time you graduate. Of course, there's never a guarantee. The only guarantee in life is that you're going to die. You might take your multi-vitamins every morning for breakfast, but life can always find away to put your life at jeopardy. People who are healthy can die at any age, just like people who are un-healthy can die at any age -- it's all an average. The more healthy you are, the longer you live...on average. Sometimes people die before they're able to accomplish anything in their life, and sometimes people die when they've been so miserable at an older age that they make themselves croak. We're ruining our civilization, we're going to make newer generations suffer from the mistakes that we make, we corrupt everything we touch, and we do all those things while preparing to do something. Life is all preparation. It's the path of life: you learn, you work, you die. It's just that simple.

    Hell fucking yeah that was and is my philosophy on life. My girlfriend is helping me see differently, and I've been having some major conflicts since we've been dating. I've still got a far way to go, but I'm not going to forget the fact that I thought (and sometimes still do) that life was all a joke and there's no point in trying. Cut out the work, and you're left with learning things and then dying.  That seemed simple enough for me -- I didn't have a problem with it. I didn't give a shit about my world, and it made everything in life simple. I had goals, I knew how to accomplish those goals, and that was going to be my life: learn what you can, and then wait for death. The only problem is that I couldn't wait much longer because I was sick of it all. I hated life and everything in it. I saw nothing but the ugliness in the world, and tried to cope by playing video games or spending time with friends. My friends would always tell me that I'm always laughing and smiling.

    How can I not smile and laugh? Russell Crowe said it best in Gladiator: "Death smiles at us all. All we can do is smile back." Life is a joke -- I didn't feel any pressure to better my life or anything like that because I was just along for the ride. Who the fuck cares? Enjoy every waking minute sober because I didn't plan for my life to last much longer. I live life in the present, but I think even Gandhi would disapprove of my lifestyle. I'm not perfect, and there's things that I need to change if I expect to have a bright future, but I'm going to be honest with you...

    It's fucking difficult as hell to change everything at once. Let me assure you, there's not a day where I don't struggle with thoughts of my future. It's to the point where I'm afraid of what's going to happen with my life. Kathleen brings me joy in life, and I'm failing to realize that I'd be more happy if I prepared for my future. Of course, I'm not your average joe -- I'm a different species. I'm a reject of a human. I'm the kind of human being God would throw away. I'm the human that even Mary would abort if she were pregnant with me.

    I need help. I'm going fucking nuts. I want to be everything for my girlfriend, but she came at a point in my life where...let's face it...it seemed that I just didn't give a shit. And I didn't. I see that now, and I'm suffering greatly for it. Thanks Brandon for being the way you are...you're an amazing failure. You should've killed yourself when you had the fucking CHANCE.