Before I get into anything about my life, I just want to say that I'm on a college-issued laptop in my campus library. That's right...school has finally started back and I'm back onto pursuing...A dream of becoming a paralegal...or something in that field. Who knows! For school, I've got a pretty decent setup:

On Monday & Wednesday, I take Yoga and Beginner level Spanish (I already know some Spanish so it shouldn't be a huge problem). On Tuesday and Thursday, I'm taking a First Aid & CPR class, along with Environmental Science.

The only class that I really have to worry about is Environmental Science; even the teacher says that it's going to be a complicated class, but I have two PE classes and another class that won't be so difficult, so I really shouldn't have a problem this semester. Compared to last semester, this semester should be a piece of cake.

I've set my classes up just the way I wanted to, so I wouldn't be spending a whole lot of time at school for an unnecessary amount of time. On Monday and Wednesday, I spend about an hour in the library and go to class; on Tuesday and Thursday I spend about an hour and 30 minutes. An extra 30 minutes may be a crucial amount of time because it'll allow me to have extra time to study Environmental Science at the last minute or catch up on some homework. Last semester, I enjoyed sleeping in my car for 3 hours and stuff like that, but you really don't want to sleep in your car unless you have to.

I've mentioned the fact that I have a job, so if I really needed to take a nap, I could take one between classes for an hour. My schedule at work has changed, however, because I've actually transferred departments. I'm no longer a grocery bagger, but I work in the meat department now. To be quite honest, I feel more comfortable as a bagger than I do in the meat department; however, I need the money and don't really have much of a choice. Before I started school, I gave my supervisor (at the time) the hours I could work, and she explained to me that I wouldn't be given enough hours. Basically, I was on the verge of getting laid off because I wouldn't really be working much. 

My car has been experiencing more problems ever since the car has been out of the shop. I have about 200 dollars left in my bank account, and I'm pretty sure I'll be needing to borrow money to pay for the car shop. Basically, I'll be in debt within this weekend...probably. Financial aid for my college is supposed to come in within 4-5 weeks of school, but I'll need money in the meantime and can't afford to sit around and not make anything. They gave me the option to work the meat department with my requested hours, so I'm now working the meat department on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning. I'm off Tuesdays, Saturdays, and Sunday. Even though I...honestly, hate working in the meat department, it'll give me a chance to make some money to recover from the body shop costs.

I'll get more into detail about yoga, the car, and my girlfriend and I in my next entry...but I've got class in about 30 minutes and need to take me a nap.

Take care.

I remember playing a Grand Theft Auto game and I remembered a pedestrian saying "mo' money mo' problems" as I would drive by in some vehicle that I recently hijacked. Even though the quote was popular even before Grand Theft Auto, it speaks a lot of truth; even so, no money can cause more problems as well. Either way, when you live in an economy that requires some sort of monetary exchange (which is every type of economy), you have to acquire something of monetary value in order exchange it for goods and services. In my case, I have to acquire US currency to pay for goods (parts for my car) and service (manual labor). Due to inflation, my monetary value of $7.25/hr, and the condition of my car, I will probably be spending money that I don't have to fix my car up. Based on recent events, you know that I was experiencing problems with my car: for one thing, my suspension needs to be fixed, my rear tires need to be replaced, I had to replace a busted radiator hose (at a BP gas station by some random stranger I might add), and I'm currently dealing with my car not even managing to CRANK (which started out as just a stop-light stall). My mechanic told me that the suspension needed about 1,800 dollars of work to fix the suspension; that ain't gonna happen, so that's thrown out for right now. My rear tires also need to be replaced (which is a month of working at Kroger with my current hours and rate of pay). Right now, times have been stressful because my car has been sitting in the shop for several days and for whatever reason, they can't seem to find the problem. I'm not sure if they've tried looking at it deeply, or if they've had other cars to fix up (after all, it's a BODY shop and not a MECHANIC shop). The only reason why I'm using them as my mechanic is because my aunt hooked me up with management up there who "owes" her from previous business partnerships with HER store. Supposedly, it's saving me money; otherwise, I would've went to an actual mechanic so they could diagnose the issue. Right now, it's just a patience game. I'm waiting to pay money that I don't have; at least with patience, I'll have more of an opportunity to save up money so I can actually afford the bill on my own, but I gotta see my girlfriend too. Originally, she was just 25 minutes away, but now that she's back at her university, add another 20 minutes and you've got yourself a long drive. If I had my car, I wouldn't mind paying for extra gas; it's a great car to drive, really comfortable, big doors so you can rest your arm on it and everything. Relationships are about sacrifices and I have made a ton of them, but I'm not willing to stop. Times are just a little rough right now because I have to rely on my grandmother's car, and my grandmother isn't too happy about that because my dad has to rely on her car (since his Honda Accord is pretty much garbage); basically, I already rely on her for practically everything, and now I rely on her car to take me places. I understand her frustration, but I'm not too happy about taking her car either; I'd be more than happy to drive my car, but when you drive down the highway and your car stalls to the point that it won't even crank anymore, you have to throw in the towel and recognize that you have a problem and that you have to work towards a solution. I need to see my girlfriend, I have a lack of transportation, and therefore I must use all the transportation that I can get. I know that my girlfriend is willing to wait a couple months (considering I waited a couple months for HER), but we're young and in love...the last thing we want to say is "next week baby...next week." No, I want that shit to be tomorrow. I wanna roll up in my Firebird knowing that my girlfriend will be up there, that sexy and amazing Brazilian woman that I call my girlfriend, waiting for her future husband to breakdown that doorway and say "RAHHHHHHH...WHERE IS MY WOMAN! COME HERE BABEH AND GIVE ME SOME SUGA!"

In other news, I started writing a book that I feel pretty confident about. It's going at a slow pace, but I'm still generating ideas on what to include in it. No, it's not an autobiography BUT there are some significant details in my life that may appear in the book. Basically, it's going to be a book about a guy falling in love with a girl. Is there a catch? Maaayyybbeee. I can't say till it's done. At the rate I'm going, it could be a loooooong book. Haha. Well, that's all for now.

About an hour ago, I decided to eat some left-over food from a multi-birthday party because I was hungry and I was tired; having to wait 30 minutes for the food to digest caused me to stay up longer than 30 minutes and thus...I am here now. While I'm here, I might as well do something productive and update my blog.

My girlfriend and I still have a very good relationship, in my opinion. Sometimes I feel like I say "I love you" too much, but I don't think we have any significant problems. With my pessimism working its way out of the picture, I'm getting more confident that if something were to arise, my girlfriend and I would settle those issues because we anticipate to keep our relationship for as long as possible. As I've mentioned in various blogs, I don't see my girlfriend as just a girlfriend; she has made an inCREDible impact in my life to the point that she's permanently ingrained in my mind. In other words, if something were to happen between us, I wouldn't associate her as "an ex-girlfriend" but "THE ex-girlfriend;" to me, those are significantly different because comparing my feelings of previous ex-girlfriends to my current girlfriend shows astronomical differences. Yeah, it sucks to get dumped regardless of how much they mean to you, but my current girlfriend takes it to a whole new level. When you love something so much, you'll never forget it; however, people suggest that you can "move on" and "live your life to the fullest." When I imagine my girlfriend breaking up with me in a purely objective perspective, I literally can't see it happen. I can't imagine myself saying "well, I enjoyed it while it lasted. Take care;" it's not that I don't think about it because it upsets me, but because my mind just can't see it happen. I feel like I've known my girlfriend since I was kid. It feels like we have a long story about growing up as kids and wanting to be with each other but never doing so, and one day I confess my love to her 16 years later. However, our story is simplistic; we met over the internet and it just happened. The only visions that I can see, regarding my girlfriend and I, is living together. I do think about marriage sometimes, but living together will definitely be a significant moment in time. I feel like I can conquer anything when I know I'll be seeing my girlfriend soon, and thinking about seeing her almost everyday makes me want those moments to come more than ever. Obviously, I believe that our relationship has continued to grow stronger ever since our first date. I'm curious to where it will lead us, but only time will tell.

Because I love my girlfriend so much, I've made a lot of sacrifices. I've got to give a lot of credit to my car for being so supportive because if it weren't for my car, I wouldn't have seen my girlfriend as much. For all I know, the relationship could've been over by now because it required too much commitment. However, my car has allowed our distance to be almost insignificant; no, I don't live next to her or go to her university, but I do have a car that was willing to take me wherever I needed to go. However, my car has been being very difficult lately. Yes, I've had to repair some things even BEFORE my girlfriend got back from Brazil, but I've had more problems with my car in the past week since I've acquired the car. Previously, you found out about the radiator hose that had a massive leak in it, but I had to take my car back to the shop because my car felt too dangerous to drive; I didn't know what the problem was, but I definitely didn't feel safe driving it. It turns out that my gut feeling was correct; I had to pay extra for a tow-truck, but I found out that my left front tire was supposed to blow-out/explode, but it didn't. Apparently, I got lucky and my girlfriend got even luckier. Apparently, I risked having a car crash on the highway from having my front tire exploding and causing me to lose control of the vehicle. My mechanic said that it was only a one time thing, and I had to take my tires very seriously. 

So two new tires, a tow-truck fee, and 300 something dollars more poorer. That ain't so bad right? Even though, of course, my suspension needed to be fixed for about 1,800 dollars. My car was running smooth, my car was driving just fine, and everything seemed to be working out. However, yesterday my engine started having trouble and it kept stalling on the highway. That's right...just two days later, and now I got another significant problem. An exploding tire is one thing, but a car refusing to start is another thing. At least with the messed up tire, I could've risked driving to my girlfriend's house; not being able to crank my car means my car is OUT OF SERVICE. Right now, it's in someone else's driveway because it gave up. It all started with a stall at a stop light that escalated to not cranking at all. My dad and I are going to look at it in...7 hours, and my dad is going to draw up no conclusion. We have to move the car TODAY...which means that either the car will run good enough to make it home, OR someone is gonna have to push it. The pushing won't be too bad, I don't think, but not being able to turn with the steering wheel might be a problem. Needless to say, it's going to be an interesting day. 

Yesterday, however, BEFORE the car stalled, my girlfriend went to my family's birthday party to meet my family. I think it marks a significant moment in our relationship because it shows that we want to be more part of our lives. Eventually, if everything works out, I'll be seeing HER family in Brazil (and I don't care if I have to get a LOAN to afford a plane ticket...I'm not dealing with my girlfriend leaving for long period of time again!) She was nervous, but I know that she had no reason to be.

The only good news right now that I have is that I'm picking my girlfriend up tomorrow night and we're going to spend all day together on Monday (my only day off this week...yup) and some of Tuesday. Despite my issues with my car and life in general, my girlfriend always makes things better. After all, my life has changed since I met her. 

It was 9:30 in the morning, and Brandon's Garmin GPS said "turn right" in an Australian female's voice. Turning right, Brandon saw the parking deck to the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Though he was only driving 20 mph, he felt like life was coming at him at a much faster rate: his heartbeat was exceeding 100 beats per minute, and he was loaded on caffeine. The excitement was almost unbearable because last night was the longest night he's experienced in a couple months. Every night since his girlfriend left for Brazil, nights have been tough for him; however, last night was tough but for different reasons. He felt like he had all the time in the world; he tried to play video games, he tried to video blog, he tried playing his acoustic guitar, but nothing was able to get his mind off the fact that he was close to seeing his girlfriend again. As Brandon approached the parking deck, he looked up at a plane approaching a runway and imagined his girlfriend being on that plane; he knew she wasn't going to land for another hour or so, but the very thought made him want to rush to get a parking spot so he could wait inside the airport. When he finally managed to walk inside the airport towards the baggage claim area, he got a chill down his spine; the air conditioning was cold inside, true, but he was in the very building that he would see his girlfriend again. He looked around the area and saw a bunch of couples and family members embracing, along with people traveling alone and not hesitating to grab their luggage from the baggage claim. Brandon walked around for a little bit trying to find which baggage claim his girlfriend's luggage would be at. A Delta employee pointed at the baggage claim that "all Miami flights" would be at, and Brandon found a lounge area that would allow him to do his word searches and listen to his music; Brandon called this area a "vantage point" because it would allow him to spot his girlfriend before she would spot him. He was amongst the crowd, sitting next to several people while having his purple earbuds in and his word search puzzles and Zune in his lap. For someone who was sweating just from excitement, he remained relatively calm. Occasionally, he would look up and spot another couple embracing and imagined that he would be doing that in a short amount of time. He still felt like time was going slow, but time was actually going pretty fast. After starting to watch How to Tame a Dragon on his Zune, he looked up at 10:57 AM and spotted his girlfriend at the baggage claim. For a brief moment, his heart sank and he couldn't bring himself to move; here he was, sitting at the airport and looking at his girlfriend when he never thought the day would come. Already resisting the temptation to cry, he slowly made his way over towards his girlfriend. Not knowing where he was, his girlfriend was staring at the baggage claim until she sensed him behind her. She turned around, gave a smile, and said "hey baby" and Brandon felt a surge of warmth throughout his body as he wrapped his arms around his girlfriend for the first time in two months.

Brandon wasn't upset that his girlfriend was gone for two months, necessarily; he was more upset that his girlfriend was going through physical and emotional problems, and Brandon couldn't be there for her. He wanted to support, to guide, to help keep her on her feet while she went through difficult times, but Brandon had a tough time settling with phone conversations and Facebook chat. But now she was here, and she was in his arms. It seemed like time stopped; ignoring whether people were watching or not, he didn't care about who was watching or why. He was lost in the moment, and felt like himself again. After a long embrace, Brandon gathered her luggage and made it back to the car. With his girlfriend at his side and two days off from work, the sun never felt so good in his life.

From that moment on, they were on each other like butter on bread. At the time, Brandon didn't think that he would be invading her personal space, but it wasn't until later when he asked if his significant involvement with her was a bad thing, and she insisted that it wasn't in a phone conversation. He couldn't help the fact that he missed his girlfriend a lot; he loves her with all of his heart, and felt like he waited an eternity for her return. Of course he's going to spend time with her, due to previous circumstances! Typically, he only planned on spending those two days with her but something bad happened that caused him to stay longer:

His girlfriend was having a housing problem at her university, and she needed someone to drive her there; working at night had its advantage that day because he had time to take her to her university and get some paperwork settled so she wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. All Brandon cared about was being with his girlfriend and ensuring that she will be okay. The ride there wasn't that positive because his girlfriend was feeling sick and felt like throwing up. Filling up on gas, his girlfriend opened up her passenger door and managed to spit fluid out a couple times and went into the bathrooms to dry heave. Brandon ended up grabbing a strawberry milkshake from inside as he waited for her to get out, and the rest of the drive was asking if she's okay and if she needed anything.

His girlfriend didn't take that long to get the housing situation settled, but most of the time was spent on her recovering from dizziness and spending time on the toilet. She felt like crap, and therefore Brandon did too. He waited for his girlfriend to get better, and they were back to driving back to her best friend's house to relax.

It couldn't have happened at a worse time; Brandon smelled radiator fluid but didn't think much of it until he saw that his engine was overheating. Now in downtown Atlanta, he found a parking spot to check his radiator fluid and found that his radiator was empty. No big deal, he thought, as he grabbed radiator fluid from his trunk. However, he shortly realized why his radiator was empty; there was a massive leak that prevented any radiator fluid from staying in the radiator. With an overheating car, a massive leak, a sick girlfriend, and hot weather, Brandon wasn't exactly feeling optimistic. After calling his dad, who suggested going to a nearby gas station and asking if they have a mechanic, Brandon went to a nearby gas station using his GPS only to find that the gas station wasn't there. With an overheating car, time was crucial because he risked messing up his engine even more. He ended going to a BP station and feeling like all hope was lost. Eventually, a man came up behind him and asked to buy a gold chain for 4 dollars so he could buy a breeze card, and he just so happened to have a mechanic background. 70 dollars and 2-3 hours later, he fixed the radiator hose that had a massive leak in it. While he was, fixing the car, however, a woman in a new Audi TT convertible tried to use an out of service gas pump and gas spilled all over the floor; it could've caused a huge explosion. The disaster was prevented, but a part of him wanted the gas station to explode so he could get a new car. At the same time, he was concerned about his girlfriend's safety (wasn't really concerned about my own though).

After everything was fixed, he drove back to her best friend's house only to find that they were locked out because no one was home. After spending another hour or so outside in hot weather, they finally managed to sit down in cool air conditioning and recover from a long day. Brandon was very upset though, and he had to sit outside for a moment, cover his face in shame, and cry because of what he put his girlfriend through that day. Since he couldn't make it to work, he figured he'd stay over another night since it was getting late anyways.

Now he's back home, and probably won't see his girlfriend till Sunday. His car is in the shop; otherwise, he would drive to the house late at night and spend till the next afternoon with her. He had to get the car towed to his mechanic; that's how bad the condition was. We shall see what happens within these next couple of days...

I had a whole entry about a couple things, but they don't matter anymore. I'm gonna stop being like this, and I'm going to get better. I'm done with pessimism. Absolutely done.

You may have noticed that my last entry was on June 26th; to me, that date feels like forever ago. I looked back at my recent entries, and it's obvious that I was feeling nothing but negativity. If I read my entries and felt nothing but sadness, then I have effectively blogged because June was nothing but negative thoughts. I had to deal with my girlfriend being in another country, I had to deal with my girlfriend being bit by a dog, I had to deal with my girlfriend being afraid of having the operation and making significant changes in her diet; essentially, I had to deal with giving my girlfriend emotional support when I could do nothing but speak words, make videos, poems, etc. I've honestly tried, but like cyber sex, it doesn't beat the real thing. If I could've been there, things would've been much different. Yes, my girlfriend would've still been worried about the operation, but she would know that I would be watching her like a hawk while they operated. If the plane tickets weren't so damn expensive and if I wasn't worried about buying a different car and selling my old one, I would've flew to Brazil before the operation to be with her. However, life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. However, life cut me some slack when I found out that the hospital she was going to attend had room phones so I was able to call my girlfriend and check up on things. 

The operation was successful. My girlfriend experienced many pains and had a slow recovery, but she's slowly managed to do so. She's not 100% yet, but she's been having some trouble with her stitches and physical weakness, but nothing she couldn't really handle. My girlfriend has had to remain strong without my support. She's overcome many obstacles (and will continue to do so for the next 6 months), and I can't help but be proud of her.

My girlfriend and I have talked a lot over the past (almost) two months since she's been gone. No, I haven't had the chance to webcam chat or even see many pictures, but that doesn't mean I'm not fortunate. I've hogged the phones by talking to my girlfriend for hours at a time, disabling people from calling up the people who live there permanently rather than temporarily, but I feel it's important to talk at LEAST once a day (whether it be on the internet and/or on the phone). Not sure if that's creepy behavior, but hearing my girlfriend's voice calms and reassures me that everything will be okay; and as far as I know, nothing bad has really happened since my girlfriend has been bit by the dog. She's had family drama and her mom has been annoying and pissing her off, but that's what mothers do...right? Mothers usually make good parents, but they sure are damn crazy.

Point is that life hasn't been easy since my girlfriend left for Brazil. I ended up suffering the most with my lack of girlfriend, but she had other things to worry about that were more emphasized than me. For me, the pain was mostly psychological; for my girlfriend, the pain was mostly physical. Ever since my girlfriend's operation, I have been getting more sleep; however, I usually stay up pretty late. I started going to sleep around 1-2 AM, but now I fall asleep around 4-5 AM; can't say that I'm not always productive, though. I've managed to create a song for my girlfriend that I have on Youtube that is unlisted (meaning someone can only view the video when I provide the link), and I plan to play it for her when she gets back. For our third month anniversary, I've also managed to buy something over 100 bucks that I think she will find pretty significant. A couple days ago, I went to the mall by myself (yet again) and mostly looked around for jewelry that I thought might interest my girlfriend. I found a piece of jewelry for 169 dollars, but I consulted with many people and came to the conclusion that a gift like that would be best used later on in the relationship. I got pretty lucky when I searched on the internet and came across something that wasn't as expensive but still something potentially significant. Since I've also made a song for my girlfriend on my new acoustic guitar that I bought from Amazon for 100 bucks, that gift along with my song will make up for the two anniversaries that we've missed due to being in different countries. Our next anniversary is the 28th of July, but she'll be back by the 31st. Because I'm off work today (today being the 19th), I'm going to call my supervisor in the morning just to make sure I'll be able to get July 31st and August 1st off so I could spend some time with my girlfriend. One of the managers said that I shouldn't have a problem. I think my employees generally like me. Besides, I was recently off for 4 days (to some employees, they would consider that a vacation) and I just got off for two days recently. It's not so bad being off work; yes, I don't get paid and time is more slow without working but at least I can relax and think about how close I am to seeing my girlfriend again.

The thought of seeing my girlfriend entering the baggage claim area warms my heart up like you wouldn't believe. The feeling reminds me of Christmas as a little child; not being able to sleep much but able to wake up with a smile on your face and the energy to run for miles. Running down stairs and seeing those loads of presents sitting by the Christmas tree is the kind of moment that I'm going to experience with my girlfriend. It is THAT moment that I believe I will feel the closest thing to true happiness that I will ever feel in my life. In fact, that whole morning will be. I plan to leave a couple hours earlier to get to the airport and WAIT for a couple hours simply to soak up the moment. Yes, I'm weird like that. I want to be able to sit down in a busy airport, listen to my Zune and contemplate on the fact that my girlfriend is on a plane heading straight back to me. I guess you could say that love is like a natural caffeine at certain points in time.

I recently was able to record a 40 minute video blog that is strictly about my girlfriend and I if you're interested in knowing more about our relationship. I must warn you though, when I say 40 minutes...I mean 40 minutes. I had to split them up in 4 videos because Youtube won't allow that long of videos.

http://youtu.be/cOzsRn-MxWs?hd=1

If you don't wanna watch them, that's cool too. Basically, I'm really extremely happy. We've only got 11 days left and I know that it will be a breeze. Time is going by much quicker than in June so at least things are looking up. A lot of things are going to happen when she gets back, so I'll be pretty busy for several days after July 31st so I won't be able to blog about anything till later on.

That's pretty much it for now.

Originally, I only planned on adding some collections that were about my girlfriend and I, but I ended up filling a lot of space by adding Nintendo 64 games (difficult to see from this perspective but they are on the second shelf behind the cars), and various other games as well. Of all the games that I currently own, Medal of Honor: Allied Assault is the most significant because I have, easily, spent the most hours on it than any other game combined. Some video games are not that significant, but I was mostly just trying to fill up some space.

Not to sound corny, but everything that I've collected with my girlfriend and I are significant; obviously she means a great deal to me, so it would only make logical sense to keep those collections in good condition if we were to ever get married, we could look back and reminisce how young and innocent we were, and how I completely fell head over heels for this woman. I've had some pretty tough years in my lifetime, but 2011 has been, by far, the year that has packed the most radical changes. My girlfriend has changed my life, quite possibly, forever. She knows that she is in possession of my heart; if something were to happen and I would no longer be with her, I would be devastated. Quite simply, I will no longer be able to love, and I, essentially, will no longer be able to live; maybe not so much physically but emotionally. Without her, it is very difficult for me to come alive. The only people who have managed to make me feel more like myself is my friends.

I'm rambling...THE POINT IS that my girlfriend is significant and therefore the things I feel like collecting for us belong in my collection. Right now, that consists of a copy OF the note she wrote me before she left for Brazil, and the original receipt of the bowling alley we went to on our first date. Also, a temporary gorilla (located on the bottom shelf) is what my girlfriend won in a claw game at a Steak N' Shake; she says it reminds her of me, and I am happily a 21 year old who sleeps with it every night. I also have a ribbon that my girlfriend wore for her sexy pirate costume to a Renaissance festival, but I haven't put it in the collection yet. The question you might wonder is "am I crazy?" 

If you're stranded in the desert with no food and water and you end up eating a scorpion and drinking your own piss, people don't really consider you crazy because you're doing it to fight for survival. At the time, it's the only logical thing to do because you have needs and need to have those needs satisfied or you will die. However, when someone eats a scorpion and drinks his own piss for no logical reason, then we might question is sanity. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and opinions are all different and therefore everyone has a different concept of what is and isn't considered an obsession. My rationality for collecting things and soaking my girlfriend into my life is my fight for survival; it is a reminder of what my life was back before I had such a wonderful girlfriend. My life was dark, depressing, unfulfilled, and yet I was in denial. I felt happy, but we can believe anything we want to believe when we put our minds to it. There is ultimately no way of dealing with being single besides setting it aside; but we all know that setting aside our issues does not eliminate our problems, but for only a temporary moment.

Before I met my girlfriend, I was on the verge of ending my life. Essentially, I gave up fighting for survival and almost lost all hope; I lost hope in myself and the world around me. She has shown me different, though. She has shown me that life is worth fighting for because if I hadn't of signed up for that dating service as a last attempt, I wouldn't have met her.

Anyways, before I get teary eyed...

To make a long story short, my girlfriend admitted that she had dreams about her ex. After a long conversation, I've realized that I have done nothing but jump to conclusions and my girlfriend has done nothing but prove to me that I'm being irrational. It's perfectly natural to be concerned about whether a relationship will last or not when she means everything to you, but it's not okay to obsess about it by over-analyzing. It got me to thinking that what my girlfriend needs is NOT a boyfriend who questions anything but a boyfriend who actually supports her and provides all that he can rather than worrying about losing her. So I've decided to change, and I have made some improvements. I will also continue to make improvements.

One of the ways that I will improve is that I actually started my one month free trial for Netflix. So far, it's actually pretty awesome; been watching The Office and trying to keep up with the seasons (I haven't finished season 2 yet so as you can imagine...I'm FAR behind). So I will be spending my free time watching movies and tv shows; next week is going to be good for that occasion because I'll be off 4 days in a row! I was told last week that I'd be working 30+ hours, but it appears that I'll only be working around 10-20.

I will also be getting my car back on Monday. The mechanic says that one of my engine's cylinders wasn't firing because it wasn't connected all the way and my sway bars needed to be replaced. He said that my engine should be good, but my car will still pull to the right. What I plan on doing is selling it (I'm going to ask my mechanic how much) and then we'll go from there. If everything works out, I'll have a different car by the time my girlfriend gets back. Otherwise, I'll still have my car. As long as it works, I'm okay.

I have work at 4:15 PM till 11:00 PM, so I need to go to bed. Long day ahead of me, but I'm glad that I'll (hopefully) be able to talk to my girlfriend for a while before I run off to work. I'm tired.

It's 2:13 AM, and I am already late to bed by 13 minutes. Though I am late to bed, I'm not surprised that I'm still up. I've developed a consistent routine at going to bed at 3 AM and waking up at 10 AM; in fact, yesterday morning I woke up 10 minutes before 10 AM. Yesterday morning, I woke up looking at my alarm clock as if I was late to school. Realizing I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm went off, I jumped out of bed and went directly to my computer.

For the people who know me, they would find it hard to believe that I do a lot of things in a pattern: this morning I woke up, opened my door, said my "good morning" to my family members, and turned my computer on. Because I usually anticipate my girlfriend to be on, I'm always in a rush to get on Facebook because I'd have a feeling that I'd be under a time constraint before she'd exit Facebook; like in the movies where there's a bomb and they only have a certain period of time before it explodes. I know she's never on, but my mind tries to rationalize everything; at least it allows me to get up early with ease, right? If I never met my girlfriend, I'd probably be waking up at 1 PM and simply not giving a shit about it. I could still wake up at 1 PM, but sometimes I have a life that requires me to go to work for a certain amount of time; today I work at 7:15 to 11 PM (not long at all), so waking up at 1 PM would mean that I'm giving her a 5 hour window of opportunity to talk to me on the internet or phone. However, I like giving her as much opportunity as possible. In some depressing sort of way, I actually feel better about waiting for her. Yes, life does feel kind of slow when you're sitting on your chair and looking at a computer screen for an extended period of time, but it's all worth it when you find out that she's signed on.

Point is that I've been adjusting to my new schedule, and I didn't really mind it. However, I was told by my supervisor last Tuesday that I'm working 30+ hours next week. Because my car is in the shop, and I'm anticipating the bill to be around 600 dollars, I certainly could use the money; however, less personal free time means less time to potentially talk to my girlfriend. I also found out that my girlfriend's operation is in early July, and I may or may not be working another 30+ hours. I think working more often would do me some good, especially when I won't be in contact with my girlfriend from 3-5 days. I need to do something about it NOW, or that's going to drive me crazy. The operation will mark an important day; especially for my girlfriend. my girlfriend will have to adjust to new eating habits, but at least the operation will be over and we can finally focus on each other's emotional support until she arrives back in Georgia. Because I'll be busy all next week and because she'll have the operation, these next two weeks should be (mostly) a breeze; while I'm out of contact with my girlfriend, I'll be able to sleep a little bit better and get some things accomplished. By the time she's done with her operation, we'll only have three weeks left. After that point, she'll be around more often to talk to me, and each day will bring us closer and closer to seeing each other. By that time, my car SHOULD be out of the shop and I should be in the process of selling it OR seeing if I can get the seat belts replaced. Basically, once July rolls around, I believe that things will start improving. I'm not sure about my girlfriend and how well she's going to deal with significant changes, but at least I'd be in a good mood by helping her feel positive rather than talking to her on the phone about depressing shit. The last thing I wanna talk about with my girlfriend is sad things because it ends up making us both sad.

Already things have started to improve. On June 21st, my girlfriend sent me a blog she typed up and it made me feel better about our situation. Unlike being a stereotypical guy, I actually enjoy reading or listening to my girlfriend's thoughts or feelings. I want the relationship to work out, and I think it's important to really understand each other. Her blog consisted of our potential future; it seems corny, and it is, but it puts a smile on my face to hear the possibility that my girlfriend and I could get married in the future. You have to keep in mind that I used to be COMPLETELY against marriage all together; you know your girlfriend has made a significant difference in your life when she's changed some viewpoints that you've had for long periods of time. I'm usually an argumentative person also; I'm very good at debates, but my girlfriend has influenced me without even saying a word. That's how serious love is, I suppose.

We've been talking more about our feelings lately, and I always enjoy those conversations because it gives me hope that everything will be all right. It's like throwing water on my pessimistic flame; it still burns, but not as much as it used to. I'm glad that despite our circumstances, things are still working out. I've also learned something that contributes to "major coincidences;" I can use my phone charger to charge my girlfriend's phone. May not be THAT big of a deal, but when coincidences add up, you've just got yourself even more reason to believe that she's "the one." In her blog, she claims that I'll be stuck with her, but if that's the case then I'm more than okay with that. She's my first true love, and I feel as if she'll be my last. I'm gonna do my best, that's for sure. 

Anyways, it's time to go to bed. It's 3 AM, and I need to wake up at 10 AM to mow the grass real quick so I could (maybe) catch my girlfriend online before I head off to work. She's my fuel; if I can't talk to her, then I won't feel like myself. I have never been so proud of myself in my life; I've finally found what I've been looking for.

Last night, I went to sleep around 10:30 PM because I was, literally, falling asleep in my chair. Before I went to sleep, I was excited about going to bed because my sleep schedule has been consistently bad to the point that I've been losing about 1-2 hours of sleep a day. Because I mostly work during the afternoons, I don't have many incentives to wake up at 10 or 11 AM; the only incentive I have is to jump on Facebook to see if my girlfriend is online. She usually isn't online when I get on, but I sit on Facebook with the anticipation that she will get on before I go to work. Since my girlfriend has been in Brazil, one of the greatest sights is seeing her name pop up on the Facebook chat or the green circle next to her name in our previous conversation box. To me, the feeling is almost like finding a water source in the desert after walking for several days without water; it's the only closest thing to true happiness until you're saved. Ever since my girlfriend's been gone, I've felt like I've been lost in a desert; I'm walking, but I don't know where I'm going. Salvation could be near, but I can't see anything for miles. I hear a voice inside my head that reassures me that I'm walking with a purpose, and it keeps me walking. The days and nights seem long. The sun beating down on my body is the cause of my physical suffering, but it also gives me strength and energy. The sun is the love that my girlfriend has given me that gives me strength and suffering at the same time. Fredrick Nietzsche once said "to live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in its suffering," and I have survived because my girlfriend gave me more meaning in my suffering. What I am experiencing is a necessary suffering because I have learned to appreciate every moment that I'm with her. I appreciated a great deal, but I would always go back to my regular life feeling like I haven't done all that I could with her. When she comes back, things will definitely be changed; I will no longer be doing things with the fear of losing her. Instead, I will do things to enjoy every moment that I'm with her. She will be changed, and so will I. Slowly, I'm working my way towards optimism.

It's no easy task, but what I went through a couple days ago really exposed my irrationality. To make a long story short, I invaded my girlfriend's privacy by accessing her e-mail and I found, what seemed to be, an e-mail from a dating service asking to be verified. I was under the impression that she just signed up for it, and I couldn't help but call her about it when I found that she was listed as single. It was, by far, a very difficult conversation for me because I had to make a decision whether I should completely trust my girlfriend or not. I eventually decided that I should trust her, completely. But I believe we're back to normal.

My girlfriend is also going through tough times because of family drama. She cares a lot about most of her family, and she found out that there was a huge fight and some people got sent to the hospital while some are in psychological pain. She's got a lot on her plate, and it honestly hurts me even more knowing that she continues to go through tough times. But I believe that the pain and suffering we are going through will really intensify my experience seeing her again. I've got about 39 days left, which is a long time, but June will eventually be over. I feel that when July comes around, things will get better because we'll be halfway through. I will also probably be able to talk to my girlfriend more often on the phone, and the topic of conversation will probably be our excitement towards being back to the way things were before. Just thinking about how much excitement and sadness we'll have when she gets back brings excitement and sadness to me already. It's going to be one powerful day; I know it.

I pray for it to come every night.

When we look back at previous experiences (which, in my case, is a Xanga entry), we may say that it "wasn't that long ago." I could say, right now, that June 8th doesn't feel that long ago. Of course, we feel more optimistic after something's good happened rather than something that we're anticipating to happen. If you asked me if June 17th would ever come, I would tell you no. During the time, I thought I was just experiencing a hump, a challenge, in dealing with my girlfriend being in another country, but my poem summarizes these last almost 10 days since then:

I thought I had the worst,
but the worst has just begun.
I've lost my appetite,
I've lost my sense of fun.

Now, not only did I miss my girlfriend an incredible amount, but I started to lose my appetite and my sense of fun; when you start having physical effects to your psychological issues, you know that you need to deal with the issue. Missing your girlfriend is one thing, but missing her to the point that it prevents you from living a healthy lifestyle is another. I even could've spent some time with my friends watching TNA (just for shits and giggles), but I told my friend that I was going to talk to my girlfriend on Facebook; at the time, I didn't even know my girlfriend was getting online. Because she's an hour timezone away and the family usually wakes up around 6-7 AM, her circadian rhythm is pretty much telling her to go to bed early. By the time she got on Facebook, it was 11:00 PM. On the previous night, she mentioned that she'd probably get on during the night, but I started to assume that she wasn't getting on at all. Around 9:00 PM, I started coming to this realization and decided to play Forza Motorsports 3; there was a race that I haven't completed that was 35 laps (which took over an hour to complete), and I figured that now was the best time to utilize that race to fast forward time. Before I finished the race, I saw my girlfriend message me on Facebook and my heart skipped a beat. I'm always excited to have a chance to talk with my baby, but was even more excited this time because I've waited since 10 AM.

Even though she mentioned the night before that she wouldn't be on till during the night, I'm not exactly sure what justified me into waking up at 10:00 AM. My subconscious was telling me to "hit the snooze button...she ain't on man" but my conscious was telling me that she could be on! What better way to start a wonderful morning by talking to the only person who I think about every night on a consistent basis? She wasn't, but my conscious lead me to believe that she'd get on after her doctor's appointments. So, I continued to wait. The question is why? If I knew she was going to a doctor's appointment and wouldn't be on till later during the night, why wake up early? Is it because I love her? Or perhaps I love her too much? What is too much? When is the line drawn? In my perspective, I didn't think there was such thing. I consider this woman to be my other half; the soul that completes my very existence. Why the hell wouldn't I treat her like she's important to me? Important things should be treated with importance, no? At least, that was my mentality.

Before I talked to my girlfriend, a portion of my poem describes my feelings:

I don't want to upset you
because I know nothing can be done.
You're always on my mind,
like the sky containing the sun.

Irrationality occurs,
and my imagination runs wild.
I choke a couple tears,
but I want to cry like a child.

Point is that I was deeply upset; I had that feeling where I wanted to ball in tears but couldn't bring myself to do so. I choked up a couple times looking at videos and pictures of my girlfriend and I, but nothing recuperative. I wanted the tears that would make me feel better; not meaningless ones that capitalized on my loneliness. 

Before she came on, I assumed that she wasn't going to get the chance to talk to me. One day of not talking shouldn't be bad, but I was having a tough time dealing with the possibility that I'd go to sleep not knowing whether my girlfriend was okay or not. Though I expected her not to, she came on and I wanted to have a depressing yet productive chat with her about our feelings. In her text, I sensed that she was feeling...well, feeling better than me at least, and I didn't want to ruin that moment. But we managed to get onto that conversation and I decided to spill my guts. She already knew that I was hurting, but what I described to her was more than hurt; the hurt I was feeling was psychological pain and suffering. I told her about being a little bit depressed, and just about anything that would make any woman go "he's obsessed with me...this isn't good." However, I felt it was necessary because I really want a relationship. If I were to be asked the question about my current state of mind, I wouldn't lie and say I'm "fine" because answers like that are what can cause relationships to fail. I don't want the relationship to fail, so it's always better to be upfront and honest.

Her responses to my feelings are what convinced me that I needed to adapt better; she opened up to me and mentioned that she was scared about the surgery, that she was putting on a mask to hide her real emotions. After that point, it occurred to me that I really wasn't suffering alone; her and I are suffering for different reasons, mine because I missed her too much, and her because she anticipates that the surgery will change her life. I certainly hope she won't change so much that she'll no longer be attracted to me, but I'm sure everything will be better than I expected. Because of her opening up, it allowed me to witness first hand that when us getting upset will only drag each other down. She's already got enough on her plate, and putting more on her plate is inconsiderate. What I'll be working on for the next month or so is learning to deal with my girlfriend being in Brazil. She makes a valid point that I should be happy that I have a woman who is willing to see me; however, pessimism isn't just a simple change. Pessimism is a perspective on issues; it might be an acquired perspective, but it is difficult to get rid of. So, I won't get up early unless she specifically requests that I get up early because it'll be the only time I get to talk to her, and I won't sit on Facebook until she gets on. I'm going to try and stop being irrational, to stop thinking about how many days we've got left before I see her again, and I'm going to support her to the best of my abilities. Because, let's face it, if I really wanted to support her, why would I cause more hurt than she's already in? That's not very productive.

So I am trying to better myself; not really for my benefit, but for my girlfriend's benefit. If I do better myself, it'll benefit me anyways regardless of whether I did it originally for me or not. Since I'm going to wait 43 days to see my girlfriend again, I think now's a good time to deal with my issues; hell, maybe the time will go faster!

In other news, I called my other mechanic and he said I can drop the car off on Monday. I work today and I'll get off in time to cash my paycheck; more money in my pocket means less stress about how much the bill will cost when my car gets fixed. We're finally making some progress; I anticipate that I'll have my car back in decent condition, at least, before my girlfriend gets back. If I manage to sell my car and buy a new one before she gets back, that would also be super. Anyways, take care.

PS: I love you baby.