September 7, 2011

• Life is Funny Sometimes

  Before I signed up for OkCupid, I was the type of person who thought that the ideal life was staying inside the house and playing video games; according to that ideal, I was living in that fantasy world. I was 20 years old and had the temper tantrums of a 16 year old. Every time I was interrupted by a family member while playing video games, I would bite my lip and hold back the urge to tell them to just "leave me alone." Even when I would play single player, I would have a trouble time doing so because I never wanted to stop playing video games; when I would stop, I'd migrate over to the computer and feel just the same way.

  My life was predictable because it was consistently the same thing everyday; either I would go to school and spend the rest of the day playing games, or I'd spend the whole day playing games on weekends. I wasn't always paying attention in school because my mind was focused on video games (whether it be games I enjoy playing or games that are coming out). The reason why I ate fast in the beginning was simply because I wanted to hurry up and eat so I could go back to playing video games.

  The question I eventually asked myself was:

  Why?

  The truth was that the future scared the shit out of me. I was afraid of putting forth any REAL effort into my future: I was afraid that life wouldn't be how I'd want it to be. If someone asked me how I pictured myself in five years, I imagined myself as a homeless man, eating food directly out of trashcans, asking for money, and yet realizing everyday that my life may never get better. What everything comes down to is:

  I was afraid of the future because I felt that I had no future.

  This belief sent my mind into complete pessimism. Well...a mixture of everything, really; especially pessimism. Ultimately, I was afraid of dying and yet felt like dying was the best way to deal with my future. The funny thing was that I didn't even feel depressed. In fact, I felt completely rational and that my excuse for those thoughts was simply because I messed up with my life. In several crucial months, I've made some significant changes in my life: I got a job, I was working out, and I was essentially playing less video games (or at least was less affected by them). Even still, I felt empty inside to the point that my plans never really changed. Before I signed up for OkCupid, I made plans to kill myself in the Summer of 2011.

  ...And then she came into my life.

  Isn't it funny how the thing you've been avoiding for so many years is the thing that you need the most?

  My life has changed because of her, and I'm even willing to say that I am still here today, fully intact, because of her. I know that it's a bad thing to say, but she means a great deal to me.

  With all that being said, you know that, based on previous Xanga entries, I've been having a lot of trouble with my car. However, as of right now, my car is in decent driving condition. On Tuesday, I had to buy a new battery for my car, but I can manage to drive to my girlfriend's dorm and back to my house without a problem (though traffic is still a bitch). I'm dirt poor (and I'm actually in debt...no surprise there), and I'm excited about this weekend. My girlfriend and I are going to the Georgia Aquarium, and I'm going to try and take a bunch of pictures and videos.

  I love my girlfriend...more than she will ever know.

  • 11:35 pm
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