Update on Relationship

On Tuesday night, my girlfriend and I had a rough patch. It all started when I had a serious talk with my girlfriend about her going to the Bahamas and celebrating her 21st birthday. As many people know, 21 is the legal drinking age. As many people don't know, I detest alcohol. Not only is alcohol not my cup of tea, but I just don't want it in my life.  I don't like being around it, I don't like being around people drinking alcohol, I don't wanna hear about, and I just don't want to be involved with it. Apparently, before I started dating Kitty...I failed to realize that her OkCupid profile marked "social drinker" or I just brushed it off. I've looked at her profile a lot before we started dating, and I'm concluding that I fell in love with her so quickly that I blocked it out of my mind and pretended that it wasn't going to be an issue. I'm not certain why I continued talking with her, but that's the way it happened. As you can imagine...that was a potential problem because not only is alcohol not my cup of tea, but I just don't want to be involved with it.

Over the course of our relationship, we've talked about that difference between each other; several times they've resulted in arguments. I'm fairly certain that she's been close to breaking up with me, and I want to say the same thing...but unless she does something absolutely horrid (like cheat on me), then I'll just end up biting the lemon. The truth is that I would almost never break up with her. We may get into an argument, I may threaten to leave, but I can guarantee you that I wouldn't walk 500 feet from her dorm without regret. It's funny how arguments turn out because, in the end, I'd be snuggling with her.

Tuesday night was probably the worst argument we've had. They've been escalating for a little while, and I know why...but I'll get to that later on in the entry. I don't want to what exactly happened that night, but things really tore me up. When my girlfriend mentioned that I didn't care about her, I kind of just lost it. She knew she didn't mean to say it because she knew it wasn't true, but it still got to me. That night, we were both in the wrong. She ended up giving me two sleeping pills that knock me the fuck out. I was passed out by the time she went to bed, and I don't even remember saying good night to her. I can't even remember saying that I loved her, when it was the last night I'd spend with her before she'd go to the Bahamas.

Now...I know what you're thinking...I've done this shit before. Instead of being without her for 9 days, think about two months (check out my June-July 2011 entries for that shit). I mean...we were only dating since April by that time, deeply in love, wanted to spend every second with her, and that shit sucked! I lost about 10-15 pounds because I wasn't eating enough. Woke up early, worried my ass off, etc. 9 days is nothing compared to what I had to deal with for those two months. That shit was ridiculous. When comparing to the 9 days I'm experiencing right now, I don't even know how I managed! I mean...yeah, it's only 9 days, but it's 9 days. I know it's not much, but it feels a lot longer. Time goes by incredibly slow; it's actually times like these when I want to do nothing but work. At least with work, I have somewhat of an occupied mind. Plus, I don't usually breakdown in public. Very rarely have I cried; let alone shed a few tears. However, I almost did when my girlfriend was in the first security checkpoint towards Bahamas. I said good-bye once to her, but it wasn't enough; I turned around and looked at the Airport exit and I could not bring myself to leaving without seeing her just one more time. Even still, it wasn't enough. I had to break through the line telling people that I was just going to say good-bye to my girlfriend, and one of the Study Abroad women said that she was about to cry because of what I did. 

Shit! I was about to cry as well! In fact, I choked up as I turned my back. I power walked out of the airport because I didn't want to tempt myself from going back and saying goodbye again because I knew that she was already close to passing through the checkpoint and there was nothing I could do after that.

It was funny because one of the first songs I heard on the radio was called "Faithfully" by Journey.

I'm forever yours...faithfully.

And then some other bullshit love song came on and I was like...what the hell is this? I already felt bad enough as it is sending my girlfriend to the Bahamas with the shit that went on the night before. The shit I've put her through, I don't even understand why she's even still with me. Again, I'm gonna add to that but later.

The two months of being without her makes me feel a lot better about these 9 days. I do feel lonely, I do miss her more than anyone could ever imagine, but I act perfectly normal. I'm pretty much living a normal life. I send her tons of text messages (which she's not going to appreciate when she gets signal again coming back to America...), I've replied to her first e-mail (and only e-mail she's sent so far) two or three times, but I'm able to manage. The thing that has helped out the most was bringing along her work shirt. The reason why I brought it back to the house is because it's the shirt she wears the most in a week, and it's the shirt she's most likely to put her perfume on. As you can imagine, the smell is strong and I'm able to smell her. It brings me temporary happiness cause I can more accurately imagine being next to her.

I know it's more of a feminine thing to do, but you know what? FUCK YOU. It brings me joy, okay?

So I've been having to deal with that. The only reason why it's been tough is because I haven't been able to contact her. Her phone doesn't get service in the Bahamas, so I can't call or text her on the cell phone. I'm sure she could call me on a pay phone or something else with a long distance phone card, but I'm just going to assume that:

1) she doesn't have the time
2) and she can't call me without paying a large amount of money.

So I've kind of just sucked it up and hoped that I'd be able to talk to her on the internet, but the only thing I've gotten was an e-mail saying that she loves me, wants me to be there, and that she's okay. In a way, it's a good thing because we'll have so much more to talk about, but at the same time...I miss my girlfriend! I want to hear her voice. Even in Brazil, she's managed to talk to me. If I wasn't able to communicate with her like I'm lacking now for the Bahamas, I would've gone fucking crazy. Thankfully, it's only 9 days. I know it could be worse. The only thing I'm worried about is fucking things up. I don't want her to come home and start thinking how bad of a boyfriend I am or something like that and dating some other guy...cause I'd like to think that we have a lot in common and I truly feel a connection between us. If she ends up not feeling that connection that I feel, I'm fucked. Just. Absolutely. Fucked.

I don't even wanna mention what would happen. I don't even wanna think about it. I just hope it doesn't come to that, and I know that's not the right mentality when it comes to relationships...but I'm in love with a woman that I want to marry and have kids with. And to be able to say something like that should not be taken lightly.

Our one year anniversary was awesome. It's safe to say that I went all out because I wanted it to be extra special. I bought her an Anniversary ring, and a Nintendo 3DS. You can also count me paying for her ticket to Six Flags where I rode my first upside down roller coaster ride with her. After 22 years, she was the first person to be with me riding an upside down roller coaster. It was Batman, and it was Batman because my girlfriend said that it was a good first time ride and that it had pictures. I wanted to buy a picture for Batman and have it framed, but I found out as we sat on the ride that it didn't have cameras. Instead, I bought pictures while riding the Georgia Scorcher. Not my first upside down ride, but it was my first time riding that roller coaster so I didn't exclude its importance. 

My girlfriend got me Kinect...which is awesome because I've always wanted a Kinect.

Since I bought a couple video games for Kinect, the anniversary gifts, I was already down by a lot of money. Every paycheck, I set aside 50 dollars in my savings account...and it took a long time to get up to 950 dollars. Then I needed my brakes replaced for my car. Now I got almost 200 dollars, and my car is in the shop because it broke down.

Now is where it gets rather depressing (you thought the above was depressing...read this).

My sister recently graduated from university. She got a job at Carmax as a Statistics Analyst, and she'll be making between 50-60,000 dollars a year. She's got a career with a good salary. She's almost 21 years old.

I am quite a different story. I can't even graduate from a community college, and I have a job making 7.35 an hour. I'm 22 years old. As you can imagine, I'm very disappointed with myself; not because my sister got a career before I did, but because I'm off track. I've been off track for many years. While people were contemplating about what kind of career they wanted in high school, I spent most of my high school contemplating when and how I was going to kill myself.

It wasn't the best time for me.

As time went on, I didn't take my life very seriously. Part of the reason why I went to a community college was because I didn't care about my future. Why pay so much money for a university when it didn't really matter? I took core classes just to show my family that I was pretending that I was doing something with my life...but I never had an answer about why I was doing it. I have a major in communications, a general degree, and that's because I...again...didn't think it really mattered.

You catch my drift?

I didn't take anything seriously, and as a result...I got severely off-track. In 2009 or something, I wanted to go into the military to basically sign up for the government and have them legally get me killed. I wanted someone to shoot me. I wanted to be deployed to Afghanistan, and I wanted to just fucking die saving someone else's life. My future didn't matter, so why in the hell would I think about what kind of career I wanted, or just a degree that I wanted to pursue in? I'd probably be graduated by now considering I've been going to school mostly full-time, but going to school just to do it is not the same thing as going to school to get a degree. There's different motivations. I suffered because of my suffering, and THEN my girlfriend comes along and really makes me feel like shit about feeling like shit.

I wish things were different, but they turned out the way they turned out. I lost 4 years of valuable thinking time about my career and etc, and now...all the sudden, I gotta start thinking about that shit. It's not so easy when everybody around you is graduating and you're stuck at a dead-end job living with your grandparents. I can't help but feel worthless, and I don't feel worthless because I know I fucked up...I feel worthless because I don't think I can be what she wants in a man with the amount of time given.

My sister and girlfriend are very similiar...they're geniuses, they know what they want to do in their life, and know how to get it. My sister already has...she's set. She's going for her masters and she'll end up making even more money. My girlfriend is making high grades, fluent in three languages, and can easily get a good paying job as an interpreter or something. I know I'm just making excuses as to not change my life, but you gotta admit...this shit ain't easy to deal with. So I've been dealing with nothing but stress, and that's mostly the reason why my girlfriend and I have had rough patches lately because...I'm just upset about everything, that's all.

I just hope she'll forgive me. I'm sure it's all fine though.

I'm done...so much typing, but I just wanted to update my Xanga on my relationship.

PS...don't conclude that I'm not satisfied with the relationship. I love my girlfriend, and I'll do anything to ensure that we stay together. I'm sure my girlfriend will do the same.

We're Both Humans!

Being shallow is part of being a human; many people have trouble accepting this truth because they claim that being shallow is a bad thing. Being shallow isn't a bad thing because we are all shallow to some degree. Of course, there is a line drawn between moderate and excessive just like there's a line drawn in everything else. Everyone has the ability of feeling beautiful/handsome because everyone is beautiful to a certain extent. Not everyone is going to find you beautiful, but there's not a certain number system that determines what level of physical attraction you are. If three girls find me sexually attractive, that doesn't make me sexually attractive; that makes me sexually attractive to those three women. I can be handsome to one person, sexually attractive to another, physically attractive, ugly, horrendous, monstrous, and etc to someone else. How I feel about myself is an internal agreement. Everyone in the world could call me ugly and I could still call myself handsome because how I feel about myself is not determined by what other people say, but influenced by what other people say. It's nice to receive compliments because it helps me feel better about myself, but the way I feel about myself is my own belief. I believe that I am handsome, and I believe that I am less handsome than some men; this doesn't mean that I am correct, nor do I think that they should feel the same way. As a result, I believe that I have earned the ability of dating women at my consciously-determined level of beauty, and would consider myself more fortunate to date a woman of higher beauty than my level. To date a woman of lesser beauty would be deprivation of the level of beauty that I have earned; to suggest that people should settle for less than what they earn is unfair. If I am over-weight, I have earned the ability to date women who are over-weight, but not women that are morbidly obese. I can date a morbidly obese woman, but other factors must take place to determine whether the the relationship is fair. I am growing bald; if I am to say that I have earned a woman with no genetic baldness (or carry the gene) is unfair. As a result of the unfairness, I would be unjustly shallow.

Being shallow is perfectly rational because it is biological; like our desire for procreation, it is something that we have limited control over. What also occurs biologically, in our genes and in our environment, we develop preferences to people that we consider dating. If I find a woman sexually attractive, these preferences are different than the preferences of women that I find beautiful. Preferences are NOT necessity; this is commonly confused among many women, especially in teen/young adult forums, who wonder if they are not being pursued because they don't possess preferences that men desire. During sexual reproduction, meiosis produces genetic variety; as a result of genetic variety, variety occurs in human beings. If there's a variety of men, there's a variety of preferences. There are men who are sexually attracted to women who are morbidly obese, there are men attracted to overweight women, there are men attracted to normal weight women, there are men attracted to under-weight women, and so forth. The same applies to every other thing about a woman: whether it's the color of hair, eye color, nose length, breast size, nationality, etc. When it comes to breasts, it's a little bit more complex; however, small breasts still don't determine whether someone will find you beautiful, sexually attractive, etc. Perhaps it's an influence, but the variety in human beings allows possibility for a potential mate. Regardless of your looks, there is always someone who finds you beautiful/handsome. Asking other men about their preferences is pointless because men, like women, prefer different things for different reasons. If I prefer an overweight woman, and an under-weight woman likes me enough to become over-weight herself, she now possesses a preference that I like, but lost another man's attraction because she no longer has a preference.

If you believe that you can only love one person, then one person is all you need to love. Only one person is important in attraction; all the other individuals are irrelevant. Therefore, there is always someone willing to date you, it's just that...you may not find them at first.

What it all comes down to is that men and women aren't that different: we're both shallow, we both have preferences, and we both want different things. Women can have desires for sexual relationships, but social pressures suggest to women to keep quiet about those sexual relationships or refrain from having those relationships because she would be considered a "slut." Many thoughts or feelings that men share can also be shared by women, and vice versa. We are human beings, after all, and are both considered homo sapiens. If men and women really were that different, then we would not be classified as the same. Just because a man or a woman is shallow doesn't automatically make him/her a bad person. There will always be plenty of fish in the sea, and there will always be someone out there who shares your common ideals. Someone out there wants to date you, someone out there wants to have sex with you, etc etc. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. If you ever ask yourself "why are men/women so complicated," it's because you're making them look complicated. Biologically, we're complex individuals but if you are able to understand yourself, you are able to understand the opposite gender. If you can successfully do that, then you will know that you don't need to change a single thing about yourself, and you're perfect the way you are.

The Stress of Parking Lots

I own an 85' Trans-AM and it's probably one of the worst cars to park near other cars. Unlike newer vehicles, the doors feel considerably heavier and much more in length. As a result, I can't just pick any parking spot in the parking lot without considering the possibility of hitting another vehicle. My driver's side lock is messed up, so I have to unlock the driver's side by crawling through the passenger side; it's not a difficult task because I am considerably flexible compared to some guys my age, but that requires space on both sides of the vehicle. As you can imagine, I tend to stay away from parking spots that are closer to buildings -- the reason, of course, is because people usually park closer to buildings because it requires less walking and less time. I don't blame people wanting to walk less and waste time walking through the parking lot, but the determination that some people have of getting a close parking spot is embarrassing. On two occasions, I've witnessed cars try to fit into tight spaces and ending up scraping against the car at my college. The first time I've witnessed it happen, I called my campus security and they didn't do a damn thing about it. In fact, the parking lot didn't even have security cameras. When I was walking towards Target, I watched a woman squeeze into a tight parking space to the point that she probably scraped the entire side of the car. The other person's car was over the line, a bad parking job, but I didn't stand around to witness her trying to get out of the vehicle while the door was against the other car's door -- I'd imagine that she had to climb through the passenger side, or through the sunroof. 

I know a couple of my friends who own handicap papers that you put on rear-view mirrors: these are the same people who can run a mile, play a long game of basketball, or anything else physically challenging without a problem.

I don't claim to be the most physically fit person, the best car parker, or anything else...but I've never completely understood the importance of getting that close parking spot.

I always park at a distance; in fact, I walk about a good 3 or so minutes in a parking lot to get to my class from my usual parking spot. I park far away because traffic gets bad the closer you get to school (not very surprising), and people usually don't park next to me. When people do, they always keep a good distance away. Last semester, I parked on the top of a 3 deck parking lot. I guess you could say that I'm anti-social when it comes to parking close to other cars; it's not because I'm afraid of people hitting my car because I've had it happen before and I know that, at some point, it's going to happen again. The reason why I park away from other vehicles is because I spend less time looking for a parking space, I risk hitting a car less, I get a little bit more exercise and sunshine, I can see my car from a farther distance so I won't forget where my car is, and I give the people who really need a closer parking spot a chance at getting it (but even that's debatable for every individual). I'm 22 years old; my health is only going to get worse if I don't eat healthy and exercise. I eat poop and drink carbonated acid as a diet, and my exercise routine (at the moment) is walking during work, walking to class, and masturbating. The least I can do for myself is park a little bit further away so I can walk a little bit further.

If someone asks the question "why are so many Americans obese?" This is one of the reasons...we don't like to walk. In the movie "Supersize Me," the guy had to walk less as part of his diet to help gain weight; no surprise there. I'm 210 pounds and 5'8. I used to be 230 pounds when I worked out, but now I'm just a blob. I'm not saying that I'm not perfect, but I just don't understand how people can get away with scraping up against each other's cars, sometimes 15 to 50,000 dollars, all for the sake of spending a couple minutes less of walking. I think it's the stuff like this that can really make a difference in America (I don't know about other countries because I've never been outside of the country) if we be a little bit more responsible and proactive in parking lots. 

Have you ever witnessed someone hitting another car for the sake of getting a close parking spot? If so, how did it make you feel? Do you think that America needs to change its habits more than its choices for food consumption?

Am I Screwed up?

When I was 8 till 13 years old, I grew up around a mother that spent her weeknights usually grading math papers with a cigarette between her fingers and a can of Budweiser next to her on the table. Sometimes, I'd walk around the house when I'm supposed to be in bed, and I'd throw in the towel by walking downstairs and admitting that I couldn't sleep. The smell of the cigarettes bothered me, and the image of her sipping on a can of beer made me feel like there was something that was going on with my mom that she didn't want to tell me; not only that, but she was always taking naps when she had the opportunity. Years later, I found out that she was in debt, spending money for her children that she didn't really have to spend, and trying to work hard to make up for it.

Up until about a couple months ago, I never understood why I detested alcohol use, drug use, and tobacco use until I thought about why I detested the idea of taking naps from ages 15-18. The reason why I didn't take naps at home was because I thought it was a weakness; as a result, I'd either sleep during some high school classes or force my eyelids to stay open. In my mind, during the time, I thought school was absolutely boring and didn't blame myself for falling asleep when teachers were practically singing me a lullaby; however, taking naps at home when I have access to the internet, video games, or any other kind of entertainment wasn't acceptable. After naps, I'd feel more energized while mentally beating myself up I thought that naps were for kids. Now that I'm 22 years old, considerably more knowledgeable about life than when I was 16-18 years old, I realized that I was against the idea of taking naps because my mom took naps and I didn't like seeing her tired all the time. After I came to that realization, I started thinking that maybe...just maybe...my mom's alcohol and tobacco use triggered my detestation of alcohol, drugs, and tobacco for the same reason: she drank alcohol but was still the same person the next day, and the same thing goes for tobacco. The idea of using tobacco, alcohol, and drugs for temporary satisfaction with the amount of risks involved didn't really interest me. I'm not going to say that I never tried my mom's Budweiser secretly, but I know that I've never tried smoking cigarettes (my best friend convinced me to try chewing tobacco ONCE and I never did it again). I had no curiosity for it, so I've never tried any drug before, never got drunk, never smoked cigarettes (at least intentionally), and I've never done chewing tobacco more than once.

It has been surprisingly difficult getting accustom to the idea that I'm over 21 years old; I could walk into my local grocery store, buy 100 dollars worth of alcohol, and not get in trouble. The reason I'm having trouble isn't necessarily because I've never had any interest in alcohol, but because society has been indirectly trying to convince me that I have not lived a normal life. I haven't been to any of those teenage parties that had alcohol and such, I've never got high with anyone, or anything like that. I detested all those things, so I chose to stay away from it all. TO make matters better for me, my mom promised me her 1985 Firebird Trans-AM by the time I was 16 (things happened in 2003 and as a result she gave me the car when I graduated high school instead) if I didn't do drugs, tobacco, or alcohol; if I detested everything, then I easily obtained the car without any problems. Now that I'm 22 years old, I have talked to a number of people...10-20 years older than me that have smirked when they found out that I'm over the age of 21. They'd comment about them doing "crazy" things when they were around my age with a smile on their faces, and I'd tell them that I've never done any of those things because I'm not into it. They'd all have the same responses: "oh...okay."

Their tone of voices was the tone of disappointment. Some people have said that what I have done is the "right" thing to do; if that is the case, why have people directly told me that I'm not "open-minded?" If I'm doing the right thing of not involving myself with drugs, alcohol, or tobacco...then am I not open-minded because I don't have a history of doing anything like that? Sometimes I feel like I'm less of a person because I've never had those wild experiences like seemingly everyone else has. My little sister is a genius, going to be graduating and moving onto grad school soon, has a 9 dollar an hour job working at a desk while I'm working at a grocery store making $7.35 an hour, and yet she was the one who got caught smoking marijuana in the girl's bathroom in high school; she was the one who drank alcohol with my cousin while in Florida. I'm almost beginning to believe that I am a failure because I didn't involve myself with those things; what I used to feel great about is now tearing me down because society is telling me that I've never really had fun. Perhaps I've skipped the fun stage, and now that I'm 22 years old, I feel deprived because of the good choices that I've made. The good choices I made lead to bad consequences, so it seems. I've tried alcohol, but it's never been because I've wanted to drink alcohol, but because I've wanted to live a normal life of rebelling against their parents (which I've done), rebelling against religion (which I'm an Agnostic Theist), going to alcohol parties, smoking weed, and practically everything else an "open-minded" person does. Now that I'm 22 years old, I feel like I missed an important part of growing up because I was against doing drugs, doing tobacco, and drinking alcohol; I feel alone in the world with this point of view, and I screwed up.

Maybe I should've done bad things after all. After all, you gotta go through the bad to get to the good, right?

What do you think? Am I screwed up?

Everything is Great

About a week ago, I purchased a Kindle on Amazon; the 79 dollar one (hey...I don't read that much so give me a break). It's actually a good investment, I think, because the books are decently cheaper than buying in store, and it can be accessed in just a couple seconds. The book that I started reading is called "A Walk to Remember." Yup...there was a popular movie that was based on it that women melt over.

It's one of those romance movies that women love. Not surprisingly enough, I got motivation to read the book after my girlfriend watched the movie for the first time. I gotta say...it hit some spots; I probably cried more than my girlfriend did. Granted, she's probably watched the movie over three times and memorize where all of the juicy important content was in the movie. There were a couple scenes where I could tell what was about to be said, but yet I still cried.

After that movie, I came to the conclusion that I am a very emotional person. I've probably cried more with my girlfriend than I've cried while I was depressed and contemplated suicide. No, I haven't always cried for good reasons but my girlfriend and I are still together, and I still hope and pray that we will always remain together.

Now...my second to last post was during November, so I won't get into much detail about all the events that have happened...otherwise, I wouldn't get much sleep because I got work at 8 in the morning.

Basically, the fact that my girlfriend and I are still together means that we've celebrated Christmas together, New Years, and even Valentine's Day. This is going to sound...I forgot what you call it...but being with her on those days is the greatest gift that I could've ever received. This Christmas, I got gifts that I've wanted; however, I now had a girlfriend that I feel very confident about. When New Years 2011 came around, I never would've imagined that I'd be celebrating next year's new year's with a woman that I love. It's mind boggling how things can change so quickly without you even realizing. Not everything in my life has changed for the good (for example...I've lost a lot of my muscle mass and look much more fat than I used to), but I believe that my life is on the right path. I can change my diet and weight, but now I have the motivation to better my life. Maybe sometime soon I'll get more into depth about everything, but I just want to emphasize before I go to bed that...these past several months have been, overall, great. I'm very fortunate.