June 27, 2013

  • Not Bad...

    Right now is the only time I'm glad that I don't live in my own apartment because I don't have a job. I'm an extremely fortunate person to have such supportive grandparents; otherwise, I don't know what I would do. Because I live with my grandparents and they provide for me what I can't provide for myself, I can't really fathom the real magnitude of the situation right now. If it was anyone else in my shoes, they probably would've set everything aside and  spent all day looking for jobs. They would've dressed nicely and took the time for apply for different positions at various stores. But for me...I'm more relaxed about it, and that's not something that I should really be proud of because I don't have a job. I'm not making money. The best thing about it all is the fact that I got all this time to do stuff and I've been practically stress free. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time cleaning up my room; I've wanted to do some stuff in my room for a while but never had the chance to get around to it because I'm very rarely home. I took all the crap from underneath my bed, re-arranged my clothes drawer, threw away damaged clothing and socks, and re-organized all my documents into more specific folders. All I gotta do is finish cleaning up, help my grandparents with some stuff around the house...and I plan on driving over to Kathleen's place tomorrow night. I told her that I wasn't sure what was going to happen and I'm telling the truth because I don't want to leave my grandparents without showing them that I've put forth effort for their satisfaction. The problem with my grandparents is that they don't really tell me specifically what they want done because they're old-fashioned. If they were me, they'd be doing all kinds of seemingly random things like planting more flowers in the backyard or something like that. They'll tell me what can be done around the house and I'll do it, but I always have this feeling that they're disappointed in my lack of effort. I'm pretty much the type of person who is okay with people bossing him around because that makes life simple. You tell me what to do, and I'll do it because I'll know that it's what you want done and there's not a problem. When I worked with David and his dad doing framing, that's what I pretty much did. They had the knowledge of how to do stuff and I was pretty much the "bitch" who gave them tools, carried heavy stuff around, etc. But I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid to do hard work but I don't usually do hard work on my own. I don't like to think too much. I am, by definition, type B. Some people believe that getting degrees and working hard is a good kind of stress but I don't believe there is such thing as good stress. Stress is stress, y' know? Ain't nobody got time for that.

    It's really unfortunate the way things have turned out in my life. Falling in love has been the most incredible experiencing and most wonderful thing I've ever experienced, but I don't feel like I've changed as much as I would've liked. You would think that having a competitive girlfriend would help me strive to be competitive as well but I'm still struggling to find motivation. My girlfriend and I both know that it's not there. I want a better life, but I don't realize it yet and I'm really fucking scared. Been scared for a while now, actually.

    Losing my job was the worst of my troubles. Going to Brazil, I really wanted to find myself and come out with a new perspective on important things and in a way...I have. People believe that I'm more talkative than I was and that's because I didn't really have the chance to talk that much in Brazil. I was really held back and put into awkward situations. I turned out okay thanks to my girlfriend translating for me, but it took an open-mind and a lot of patience. So I enjoy talking with people more because we can actually understand each other. That's basically what I came back with when I originally wanted to come back a different person. When I came back from Texas several years ago, I was a different person. I was very productive, woke up early, did shit, but it eventually wore off and I went back to my old self. But...things can change, can they not? I guess we'll find out.

    I also recently found out that Xanga is probably going to be shutdown due to insufficient funds to re-launch it. I've had my Xanga since around 2004 (14 years old) and I regret not doing more private entries. I don't really have any juicy stuff that makes me go "ahh yeah...I remember that." When I cleaned my room a little bit, I found some sheets of paper that had my writing on it, and they were old diary entries, poems, etc. I'm more likely to find juicy stuff lying around my room than I am looking in my own online diary. So I got my archieved blogs and I'm pretty much waiting till Xanga gets shutdown to figure out where I wanna take my blog next. I hope it doesn't get shutdown; the fund is already over halfway there and they've still got about 19-20 days left before it's gonna be shutdown. I can't really donate since I'm trying to save all the money I can since I don't have a job.

    What I plan on doing is Friday while my girlfriend is at work, I'm gonna spend time applying for jobs and being productive. I really need to apply for jobs because next week, I told my grandmother that I'd go back to Krogers if I didn't have a job...and I really hate that. I really didn't want to go back but I just might have to if I want to some money to be able to pay for gas and all that stuff. I really fucking hate working at grocery stores; I planned on applying for different jobs sooner but I haven't done anything. My sister talked to someone who manages a call center, and I was hoping that I'd land the job because it would've been awesome but, of course, "no experience required" just translates into "you don't need to be required to have experience, but we're gonna hire the people who do anyways so it doesn't really matter." I love it when businesses play around with words. I hate being a pessimist, but I just don't see how it's possible to overlook stuff like that and not die a little on the inside. The world fucking sucks, you know? I read a quote somewhere that said "we live to die, we rise to fall," and I thought that was very true. I hate the way I view life, don't get me wrong, but it's a gift to see that much detail in something to be able to point out such flaws, but it's a curse. I guess that's why they say "ignorance is bliss." I would've rather been ignorant because the stuff that I know is not only depressing, but it's non-motivational.

    I guess that's all for now.