I got off work at 10 PM last night and had to open up this morning at 7 AM. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep -- in fact, I don't remember getting any. I was sleeping, but I wasn't getting that restorative sleep. I'm sure the Coke that I had last night had something to do with it, but the dreams I were having were pretty intense dreams. The only dream that I even slightly remember was a dream I had of my girlfriend and I -- basically, I did something REALLY fucking stupid and kept trying to chase my girlfriend down. I'd go to her dorm and she'd have the door locked, I'd try to call her on the phone but she'd always send it to voicemail, I'd try catching her at school but I wouldn't be able to find her, and I'd wait for her to walk to school so I could catch her. The only thing I could catch was a glimpse and a voice, and the harder I tried to talk to her, the more distant she became. It was impossible to apologize and ask for another chance. It was probably the longest dream I've had in a while, and it actually caused frustration. I woke up with my heart pounding through my chest and pissed off.

I was pissed off at my girlfriend from a dream.

Of course, it quickly went away when I realized my alarm was going off and I feel exhausted. I wanted to turn the fan off, lay back down, and wake up at noon but I knew I couldn't do that. I mean...I could, but I'd probably get fired. I'm in no financial position to get fired -- plus, my grandmother would be super pissed that I'm only taking 1 class this semester AND being jobless. I seriously cannot have more stress right now because lately I've been the closest I'll probably ever get to an anxiety attack -- I've never had one before, to my knowledge, but there's been moments where my whole life is swinging back at me, throwing everything in my face, and I feel helpless. There's SO MUCH TO DO in my life, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm afraid about the more I think about my future, the less confident I am at deciding on what I want to do. There's only two things I'm confident about and that's proposing to Kathleen once we move into an apartment. She knows that I'll be proposing to her once we move into an apartment, I've mentioned it several times, and it isn't a secret. I've told her that I would've proposed earlier, but I don't have the financial means to, and we should be living on our own so we can start our own chapter. It wouldn't make much sense to get married and not be able to live together. Besides, when Kathleen and I can afford an apartment is when we'll be able to afford engagement rings and such.

Kathleen doesn't know how I'm going to propose to her. No one knows, really. It's in my mind, and I know exactly what I'm going to do. It's a very unique, Youtube worthy, proposal, and I'm excited about setting it all up and seeing out it all turns out. Of course, that's all down the road.

Here I am taking one class for a whole semester, expected to enroll into a university by next semester, and expected to graduate by 2014 doing the career of my dreams. In a perfect world, it's within my grasp -- however, my mind has not yet realized the severity of the situation. I can feel it's gradually getting worse and worse and I honestly think that until I breakdown, I'm really not going to put 100% effort into everything. I'm still at the stage in my life where I'm in between growing up and not growing up. I miss video games, I miss being able to wake up late and not worry about having to do much, but at the same time...I recognize the lack of benefit those things do in my situation and I'm trying to keep myself preoccupied. Kathleen is a major major source of per-occupation for me -- I pretty much drive all over the place, spend tons of money on stuff, etc etc with my girlfriend and I was never really home that much.

Since I go to school on Tuesday and Thursday, I opened my schedule up for work Monday-Friday -- unless I get days off in-between Monday-Friday, I'm at home pretty much all the time. When I got home from school at 2:30 PM, it was the first time in a long time where I was able to sit down for 8+ hours doing my normal stuff and not getting ready to go to work or go to Kathleen's dorm. You don't really think about how many hours 8 hours is until you sit down and realize that you don't really want to do anything besides drive over to Kathleen's place. I forced myself to play Left 4 Dead and Forza Motorsports 4, but that's really all I've done today. Well...besides cut the lawn, and clean my bathroom before my grandparents got home. Tomorrow won't be so bad because I'll be getting off at 7 PM. Thursday I work at 3 PM after I get off from school.

As you know, I'm taking Spanish II this semester. Today was an awkward day, and I wanted to make it more awkward by wearing my pink tie dye shirt but decided against it. I was going to wear my shirt that Kathleen and I bought in Florida, those tattoo shirt design thingys, but the white shirt shows off my nipples. I'm happy to say that I understood 80% of what the teacher was saying, so I'm predicting that I'll get a B in the class. The reason why a B is because Spanish I was mostly an online course. All our tests, quizzes, assignments, etc were pretty much online. We didn't really learn anything -- well, at least I didn't. Everything the teacher said went in one ear and out the other...so all those terms dealing with specifics I don't know. Telling time? Forget that. Counting to 100? Absolutely not. When I finish my blog, I'm going to try and install my Spanish software that I've had in my closet for a while...the only problem is that it's old and may not be compatible with Windows 7. Back then, it was probably when Windows XP was the new hype.

One more thing that I'd like to mention about this class, though, is that the teacher made us introduce ourselves -- not only did we have to say our name in Spanish, but we had to say what kind of jobs we had, how many siblings, where we live, where our family lives and I was not looking forward to spilling out my information. Especially when most of the class had like 2-3 jobs, one person owned their own transportation business, another person is a chef, etc etc. I know that college carries a variety of people's ages, but I couldn't help feel like a fucking loser when I told them I worked at Kroger. Then again, some people were unemployed or didn't want to admit it. I guess it's better to make 200 dollars a week than none. Even still, I felt judged but tried to hide the embarassment by cracking a joke saying that I like "dormir y comer." I weighed myself today at 215 pounds, feeling optimistic but realizing that the 215 is more fat than muscle now. Eating and sleeping is quite fitting because I sure do love to eat.

At least my car has been working great. I haven't had any problems for almost a month now, I think, and it's not showing any signs of needing repair. I guess fixing a fuse helped more than I thought it would. It's almost got 98,000 miles and I'm looking forward to breaking 100,000. It's a slow process.

I plan to go to bed a little bit early tonight so I can catch up on some sleep. After I install the Spanish program, I might test it out again or I might just go watch Netflix and lay in bed or read my book. I don't know yet. All I know is that I'm not staying up till 1:30 and expect to feel good 4-5 hours later again.

I got work in almost an hour, so I figured I'd type up a long entry while making a pizza. I'm starving right now because I only had a piece of my girlfriend's pop-tart this morning (that cardboard is delicious), and a bottle of Coke. Lately, I've been trying to cut back my intake of Coke by only buying bottles. I frequently visit the gas stations since I'm driving all the time in my 16 MPG vehicle so I figured that I'd just wait to get something at the grocery store or the gas station. I'll buy a liter of Coke at the grocery store when Kathleen and I go, but it's only been a couple of times so far. I figured that if I cut it back, it would be easier to quit. I know that I'm at the prime of my life right now, and my health is only going to get worse if I don't start exercising and eating healthy. I've made a few smart choices since I've been on vacation by buying yogurt as a snack, eating more fruit, and I bought a salad. I've said no to a couple things like baking a cherry pie and eating the whole fucking thing, and buying Krispy Kreme donuts. I haven't made drastic improvements, considering I'm planning on eating a whole damn pizza before I go to work, but I think it's best to take small steps and trip instead of taking big steps and falling back down. Academically, I'm trying to clean up a little bit considering I almost took a full load of classes that I didn't need just get full-time status as a student. I was afraid of what my grandparents and dad would say about only taking one class, but Kathleen convinced me a while back that I only need to be taking classes that are relevant to my major rather than taking classes simply to add extra hours to my portfolio. Don't get me wrong...I enjoyed learning CPR & First Aid, Calculus, Philosophy, Sociology, and all those things...but I'd be in a better place if I replaced those classes with the classes I needed. I would have an associates degree right now, but I was more concerned about having full-time status and doing things that I thought were fun rather than actually contributing to my graduation. I'm paying the price by skipping the Associate's degree and going straight for a Bachelors -- besides, I work for Kroger...what kind of job could an Associate's Degree get me anyway? I think in this job economy, an associate's degree won't get me much so it's not like I'm suffering to the max extent. My grandparents took it pretty well but I had to explain to them everything that's going on and what's going to happen in the future. It's all pretty much...I took classes that I enjoyed but wasn't required, I'm still doing pretty good considering I have over 60 credit hours, I haven't failed anything and still got a scholarship, and now all I have to do is sign up for university and take more classes to go for Bachelor's. It's not that big of a deal considering now I'm realizing what I want to do.

Could be better and it could be worse.

Kathleen and I are doing pretty well. We've had a few hiccups during our Florida vacation (which I enjoyed), and we've had a few arguments before vacation. I don't like to argue, I don't like to see Kathleen cry, but I think that our relationship is improving more. We've both been under some stress, and what we've needed is each other. I think she's the best moral support I'll ever need, so I'm not taking her lightly.

During Florida vacation, the waves were horrible -- almost non-existent. The water was pretty clear so it allowed us to swim around with fish trying to catch them. One time I even saw a sting ray on the ocean floor, and Kathleen and I bolted out of there. If we had not had our goggles, I probably would've stepped on it. Then again, we were out far in the ocean to the point that we couldn't even touch and the ocean was about 20 feet below us. I dived about 20 feet to obtain a dog leash, and that was the dumbest decision I've made. I had a migraine and my ears were popping for a good 5 minutes. I spent over 150 dollars down in Florida, but I think it was well worth it. 60 of those bucks were to buying shirts for Kathleen and I at Wal-Mart. If I didn't buy those shirts, I probably would've done pretty well with managing my money considering we went out to eat a lot, bought groceries, etc. Kathleen didn't get to do everything she wanted like jet ski, but I didn't have that kind of money and I was trying to save it for something special. We got a lot of exercise walking and stuff, read books, relaxed, watched TV, so it was overall a decent experience. I would've changed a few things, it wasn't the best vacation I've ever had, but I enjoyed it because Kathleen was there and it was our first time in Florida. I would've really hated the vacation if the waves didn't start getting big on Thursday. Kathleen and I both wiped out -- one time she got scared as hell after wiping out because she thought she broke her nose. They were pretty good waves, but was disappointed that they didn't come sooner.

I wanted to rant about coming back to work, but I'll save it for a different day. I start school next week, so I probably won't be working as much. I've applied for a couple jobs so far, sent a couple e-mails, but nothing has really changed.

Time for some pizza, though.

I find myself awake at 3 which is strange because the past couple nights I've been going to bed around midnight or so. Then again, Kathleen and I are knocked up on drowsy medicine at night because we've been dealing with the flu. I started getting the flu last Friday, and I've been slowly recovering. It's been one issue after the next -- at first it was a sore throat, then it was weakness, then it was a cold, then it was messed up sinuses, and now it's pretty much light coughing and sinus issue. I can feel a lot of pressure in my head, towards my nose, and it's not very pleasant. It was serious during work, but it's managed to calm down to the point that I know it's still there...but I can probably manage to sleep.

My girlfriend has it worse than I do. On Saturday I felt pretty weak and didn't want to do anything, but my girlfriend has not wanted to do anything for the past couple days since we went tubing on Sunday and she's been coughing a lot. We've had the same symptoms, but hers were more serious than mine were. I felt like crap, but she feels like shit. When we went tubing on Sunday, the river was about 50 degrees -- not terribly cold, but we believe that her immune system was affected by the cold water which allowed her to catch the flu from me.

Makes sense to me. Either way, we've both been feeling bad lately, and now I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. Not like it's much of an issue, but I haven't been able to taste anything for the past 2-3 days. Last night, I had a late-night snack that consisted of bread, ham, and mashed potatoes because I've been trying to eat food that feels good in my mouth rather than tastes. It's amazing the things you'll eat and drink when you can't taste anything. I slowed down on the Cokes because the pain from drinking the Coke is more noted than the good taste of it -- as a result, I don't drink Coke as much because it's not really worth it. I don't like going out to eat right now because fast food isn't worth it when you can't even taste it. A couple days ago, I bought some Chinese food...beef fried rice, and it was delicious only because it was hot and had rice in it. I fucking love rice.

I'm hoping that Kathleen is better by Friday because we'll be celebrating my grandmother's birthday on Friday, and it'll be our last night for about a week for some "alone time" if you catch my drift. Not that it's a big deal -- clearly I'm capable of going a week without any of that kind of romance, but seeing my girlfriend in a bathing suit all week and being all romantic will certainly drive me crazy. It won't affect me as much as you may think because I've been waiting for this week for a very long time. All my life, I went on vacation to Florida with family members as a single guy and I'd look at all the attractive people on the beaches, suck in my stomach with a glimpse of hope that maybe some woman will approach me. It's never happened. Every year, I'm disappointed that I don't pursue and don't get pursued. This time is changed because I'll finally be able to spend time with someone else than myself at the beach. My sister is more of a reader at the pool with her sunglasses on and whatnot -- I'm more of a person who spends all day at the ocean with or without sunscreen. I hope that my girlfriend will feel the same way because I'm really hoping to boogey-board with her. More importantly, I'm really hoping to go on walks with her, collect seashells, sit on a towel and watch the sunset. She actually gave me an idea of waking up early in the morning to watch the sun rise over the ocean and it put a twinkle in my eye because Kathleen is romantic in her own way. I've learned to accept our difference on romance, and I've learned to identify her romance. A moment that really stood out was when we went tubing and she urged me to put on more sunscreen during the two hour tubing session. I was getting kind of annoyed because sunscreen and I aren't very good friends only because I've never really used it and never had desire to use it. My philosophy back then was...if I get sunburnt, so what? But my girlfriend brought up the idea of getting cancer and all this stuff, and that she doesn't want something bad to happen to me. She doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life, and that really brought out something in her. Those are the kinds of stuff I'm looking for to indicate to me that she really does, truly, love me. I know that she loves me, but we don't know how much until we get tested. When I flip through the channels and see Cheaters, I'll take a look at it -- it's always someone claiming to "love" someone but ending up cheating. Some people may only love someone enough to where the problems that arise in relationships are just set aside. When Kathleen and I have problems in our relationship, we try and talk it out. I'm not going to pretend that my relationship is perfect and set aside the potential problems in hopes that things will get better because I know that they usually don't. My girlfriend and I have already been through enough together, and I still feel confident that we'll last another year. How will I feel another year from now? I hope she doesn't do anything to change how I feel, but I feel that we'll last for the rest of our lives. I couldn't possibly imagine myself with another woman. I don't want another woman. I'm convinced, actually, that I will grow old alone if I don't grow old with her. I won't date again if our relationship fails and it wouldn't be because I'd lose all my faith in women, but I wouldn't get another girlfriend because no one would be able to replace her. Why would I date someone who could potentially fall in love with me when I'm the one who will always be in love with someone else? To me, that isn't fair to the other person.

She continues to open my mind to the dangers I've set aside in my own life...about getting cancer from drinking Coke, not regularly brushing my teeth, exercising, etc. Financially, I know that I have a lot to learn and accomplish, but physically is not much different either. I need to improve in all aspects in my life, and it's quite possibly the worst time in my life because I gotta make all these big decisions about what kind of career I want to pursue in...decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I wouldn't even be surprised if I found out soon that Kathleen is pregnant. I highly doubt it's going to happen, but life has a funny way of showing its power over you -- how you think you're above everybody until something bad happens and you're faced with huge challenges such as raising a child and whatnot. I want to be a father, I'm ready to be a father, but financially...I am not ready. We are not financially ready and probably won't be for several years. Not only do I have to change all aspects of my life, but I've practically got deadlines to do everything.

Pretty stressful shit going on, which is exactly why I need this vacation so I can step back and enjoy the little things in life. I want to dedicate a week to appreciating life and what it has given me this past year or so. The gift of love is no small gift. I believe love is the single most powerful thing in this world. Stronger than fear, even. I have been fortunate, and not a day goes by when I don't think about how fortunate I am. This vacation isn't just to enjoy the presence of my girlfriend, but it's to enjoy the gifts of life.

I need to go to sleep because I've *planned* on going to school early to settle my financial issues. Apparently I owe 600 dollars, but I found out that my financial aid hasn't been added. Typically, I'd actually be getting money in my pocket rather than spending money. Tomorrow is really the only time that I have to go even though I have work at 2. I really don't want to wake up early considering I've been sick this past week, but I really need to do a class this semester instead of waste all that time doing nothing -- otherwise, I will NEVER graduate. I'm almost certain I won't graduate with my girlfriend does, in 2014, but I better be damn well close to it. My girlfriend has not settled on a deadline, but if I don't want her to leave me...I better be doing all that I can. It's a slow process, there's still millions of things that I have to do, but once school starts...I'll get into school gear and be able to get a lot of things accomplished. Then again, who knows? I can only hope.