August 2, 2012

• It's 3 AM

  I find myself awake at 3 which is strange because the past couple nights I've been going to bed around midnight or so. Then again, Kathleen and I are knocked up on drowsy medicine at night because we've been dealing with the flu. I started getting the flu last Friday, and I've been slowly recovering. It's been one issue after the next -- at first it was a sore throat, then it was weakness, then it was a cold, then it was messed up sinuses, and now it's pretty much light coughing and sinus issue. I can feel a lot of pressure in my head, towards my nose, and it's not very pleasant. It was serious during work, but it's managed to calm down to the point that I know it's still there...but I can probably manage to sleep.

  My girlfriend has it worse than I do. On Saturday I felt pretty weak and didn't want to do anything, but my girlfriend has not wanted to do anything for the past couple days since we went tubing on Sunday and she's been coughing a lot. We've had the same symptoms, but hers were more serious than mine were. I felt like crap, but she feels like shit. When we went tubing on Sunday, the river was about 50 degrees -- not terribly cold, but we believe that her immune system was affected by the cold water which allowed her to catch the flu from me.

  Makes sense to me. Either way, we've both been feeling bad lately, and now I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. Not like it's much of an issue, but I haven't been able to taste anything for the past 2-3 days. Last night, I had a late-night snack that consisted of bread, ham, and mashed potatoes because I've been trying to eat food that feels good in my mouth rather than tastes. It's amazing the things you'll eat and drink when you can't taste anything. I slowed down on the Cokes because the pain from drinking the Coke is more noted than the good taste of it -- as a result, I don't drink Coke as much because it's not really worth it. I don't like going out to eat right now because fast food isn't worth it when you can't even taste it. A couple days ago, I bought some Chinese food...beef fried rice, and it was delicious only because it was hot and had rice in it. I fucking love rice.

  I'm hoping that Kathleen is better by Friday because we'll be celebrating my grandmother's birthday on Friday, and it'll be our last night for about a week for some "alone time" if you catch my drift. Not that it's a big deal -- clearly I'm capable of going a week without any of that kind of romance, but seeing my girlfriend in a bathing suit all week and being all romantic will certainly drive me crazy. It won't affect me as much as you may think because I've been waiting for this week for a very long time. All my life, I went on vacation to Florida with family members as a single guy and I'd look at all the attractive people on the beaches, suck in my stomach with a glimpse of hope that maybe some woman will approach me. It's never happened. Every year, I'm disappointed that I don't pursue and don't get pursued. This time is changed because I'll finally be able to spend time with someone else than myself at the beach. My sister is more of a reader at the pool with her sunglasses on and whatnot -- I'm more of a person who spends all day at the ocean with or without sunscreen. I hope that my girlfriend will feel the same way because I'm really hoping to boogey-board with her. More importantly, I'm really hoping to go on walks with her, collect seashells, sit on a towel and watch the sunset. She actually gave me an idea of waking up early in the morning to watch the sun rise over the ocean and it put a twinkle in my eye because Kathleen is romantic in her own way. I've learned to accept our difference on romance, and I've learned to identify her romance. A moment that really stood out was when we went tubing and she urged me to put on more sunscreen during the two hour tubing session. I was getting kind of annoyed because sunscreen and I aren't very good friends only because I've never really used it and never had desire to use it. My philosophy back then was...if I get sunburnt, so what? But my girlfriend brought up the idea of getting cancer and all this stuff, and that she doesn't want something bad to happen to me. She doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life, and that really brought out something in her. Those are the kinds of stuff I'm looking for to indicate to me that she really does, truly, love me. I know that she loves me, but we don't know how much until we get tested. When I flip through the channels and see Cheaters, I'll take a look at it -- it's always someone claiming to "love" someone but ending up cheating. Some people may only love someone enough to where the problems that arise in relationships are just set aside. When Kathleen and I have problems in our relationship, we try and talk it out. I'm not going to pretend that my relationship is perfect and set aside the potential problems in hopes that things will get better because I know that they usually don't. My girlfriend and I have already been through enough together, and I still feel confident that we'll last another year. How will I feel another year from now? I hope she doesn't do anything to change how I feel, but I feel that we'll last for the rest of our lives. I couldn't possibly imagine myself with another woman. I don't want another woman. I'm convinced, actually, that I will grow old alone if I don't grow old with her. I won't date again if our relationship fails and it wouldn't be because I'd lose all my faith in women, but I wouldn't get another girlfriend because no one would be able to replace her. Why would I date someone who could potentially fall in love with me when I'm the one who will always be in love with someone else? To me, that isn't fair to the other person.

  She continues to open my mind to the dangers I've set aside in my own life...about getting cancer from drinking Coke, not regularly brushing my teeth, exercising, etc. Financially, I know that I have a lot to learn and accomplish, but physically is not much different either. I need to improve in all aspects in my life, and it's quite possibly the worst time in my life because I gotta make all these big decisions about what kind of career I want to pursue in...decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I wouldn't even be surprised if I found out soon that Kathleen is pregnant. I highly doubt it's going to happen, but life has a funny way of showing its power over you -- how you think you're above everybody until something bad happens and you're faced with huge challenges such as raising a child and whatnot. I want to be a father, I'm ready to be a father, but financially...I am not ready. We are not financially ready and probably won't be for several years. Not only do I have to change all aspects of my life, but I've practically got deadlines to do everything.

  Pretty stressful shit going on, which is exactly why I need this vacation so I can step back and enjoy the little things in life. I want to dedicate a week to appreciating life and what it has given me this past year or so. The gift of love is no small gift. I believe love is the single most powerful thing in this world. Stronger than fear, even. I have been fortunate, and not a day goes by when I don't think about how fortunate I am. This vacation isn't just to enjoy the presence of my girlfriend, but it's to enjoy the gifts of life.

  I need to go to sleep because I've *planned* on going to school early to settle my financial issues. Apparently I owe 600 dollars, but I found out that my financial aid hasn't been added. Typically, I'd actually be getting money in my pocket rather than spending money. Tomorrow is really the only time that I have to go even though I have work at 2. I really don't want to wake up early considering I've been sick this past week, but I really need to do a class this semester instead of waste all that time doing nothing -- otherwise, I will NEVER graduate. I'm almost certain I won't graduate with my girlfriend does, in 2014, but I better be damn well close to it. My girlfriend has not settled on a deadline, but if I don't want her to leave me...I better be doing all that I can. It's a slow process, there's still millions of things that I have to do, but once school starts...I'll get into school gear and be able to get a lot of things accomplished. Then again, who knows? I can only hope.

  • 3:44 am
  • 1 Comment