June 21, 2013

  • Brazil

    My last entry was three months ago. I've got what they call "writer's block" and it's something that I've been struggling with for several years. It's tough now because I'm in the process of gathering ideas for a book that I'll eventually be writing and the ideas are all in my head but when I write it all down on paper, I can't do it. Sometimes I just write a couple pages and I end up throwing it away because I can't find a good pace to bring all my ideas out into a book. Writing a book is really fucking complicated and it's something that helps you appreciate a good book or author because it's not as easy as it looks. I can't imagine what J.K. Rowling was doing as she wrote the books because to put everything together into something beautiful like that is a concept that I may never be able to grasp. Of course, I don't plan on writing several books in a series but I plan on writing one really powerful book and seeing where it takes me. However, it's been difficult because, like previously mentioned, I've been suffering with immense writer's block. With a dash of laziness. But you know...the show must go on, and I'm going to provide a little update about what's been going on the past several months since I wrote a entry last semester.

    I'm glad the last entry was short and sweet because it helped me understand kind of how I felt at the time and what was going on; of course, it had everything to do with school. I was really afraid that I was going to fail Computer Science because it was one of the classes that I didn't quite understand. A lot of the people in that class had prior experience in different programming so I really felt out of place. I guess that Computer Science is something that you have to enjoy so much that you're willing to experiment outside of class but I really was interested in seeing what it was all about. It was much different than I anticipated but I did the best I could in that class and landed a C. When I found out, I didn't really give a crap because I expected worse. The thing is that I hardly even studied for the exam because I had...something lined up but it turns out that my plan went absolutely horrible. Some of the multiple choice I guessed, and I left some of the short answer blank. I thought I was doomed but it turns out that I wasn't so bad off.

    I was really happy that the semester ended but kind of scared because I've had a lot to worry about. My financial aid is about to get cut off because I'm about to reach the maximum hours...which is funny because I don't even have an Associate's degree. As we all know, I've been in a really fucked up situation with school and it's something that I'm slowly dealing with because it's all just too much for me to grasp. The thing about me is that if I'm stressed about something, I give up...but if someone else is stressed, they might step outside and smoke a cigarette. I've been too overwhelmed and my instant reaction is to duck and cover, but that's mostly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. So I've been major procrastinating on really important stuff, and you can bet your ass that it's going to eventually bite me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

    I've probably mentioned that on May 16th, I was supposed to go to Brazil with my girlfriend...if not, now you know. Um...yeah...I had pretty much everything planned out but I was starting to run into some complications with work.

    I didn't think there was going to be a problem because I had a week vacation and two personal days. I want to say that my dad told me that I could use my week vacation and personal days spread out so that I could take unpaid vacation in addition to prevent myself from getting knocked out of the system. For instance...I could use my paid vacation in the middle, use my personal days, and come back June with a job. It turns out that my store manager wouldn't allow that because according to her, the company policy has to abide by union regulations as well as their own. I don't particularly like my store manager; she's what my co-worker refers to as a "devious bitch." She called me into her room for a little talk and she started going on about favoritism, un-fairness, etc. Basically, she couldn't approve of that long of vacation because corporate wouldn't like it. She originally told me that I needed to request off at by sending a piece of paper into corporate and I went all out on that paper: I provided all my documentation, reasoning, nice letter, etc. Denied. To make matters worse is that I went a couple weeks without a response because someone responsible for sending those papers in didn't get around to it, so I didn't find out that I got denied till about a week before I was planning on going to Brazil.

    Of course, they told me that I didn't have to spend all month there, that I could pay the penalty for coming back early but this has been something that I've been planning for a while. No matter what, I was going to Brazil because it was an opportunity of a lifetime. I needed to meet her mom, and I needed to be there for my girlfriend for whatever she was going to go through. The last time she went to Brazil, her face got bit by a dog and it left a scar near her mouth. I wasn't gonna let that happen again. I wasn't gonna be there for a couple weeks and somehow find a way to travel back to the airport without knowing ANY portugese and spend tons of money to change my plane ticket to an earlier date just to keep my almost minimum wage job. 

    Ultimately, I was given two options: get terminated, or quit. If I didn't send in my two weeks notice, I'd eventually get terminated because I have to work a certain amount of hours per week. After a couple weeks or so, I get kicked out of the system and I pretty much don't get to re-apply because it wasn't on good-standing. But the benefit to it is that I get unemployment benefits or something along those lines. However, if I quit...I don't get unemployment benefits, but I get a chance to re-apply due to quitting on good standing. At the end of the day, I really could've disappointed my girlfriend by going back to America early (somehow), but I really dislike Kroger. I dislike working in grocery stores in general because I've been working in them since I was 18 years old and I'm going nowhere with my life. I need to move up, you know? I can't do that as a meat department associate. So I guess one of the main reasons why I quit was because I really wanted to quit, and this was a good opportunity to come up with an excuse. Well...that's partially true. Still...I hate working there. I hate pretending that I like working there because I really don't. So I sent in my two week's notice and started packing up for Brazil without giving a fuck.

    Prior to leaving for Brazil, we bought a lot of clothes. It's ridiculous how much clothes I bought; I brought way too many boxers but not near enough socks. I probably would've been okay with two pairs of jeans but brought four just in case. That luggage was just around the weight limit (of 70 pounds).

    As you can imagine, I had a lot to be nervous about; after all, I was heading towards a country where I didn't speak their primary language AT ALL, I wanted to make a good impression on her mom, and I was gonna come back to a shitstorm. I didn't know what to expect but it's something that had to be done. I was really excited about the flight because I've never been in a flight for more than a couple hours. Our flight was going to be 8 hours and it was over-night so I didn't know what to expect on how well I was going to sleep. I thought I was going to sleep pretty good but it turns out that sleeping in an airplane is fucking miserable. It's like trying to sleep on a tile floor; it's uncomfortable and no matter how tired you get, you will never get close to falling asleep. I remember that I wore my Walking Dead t-shirt because a TSA employee told one of his employees about my shirt and talked to me for a second about it while I was going through security. I think I also wore shorts but I can't remember.

    After we reached Brazil, we got picked up by her mom's current boyfriend. Of course, he couldn't speak much English so I spent most of my time looking out the window and noticing the world around me being so different than what I'm used to instead of listening to my girlfriend talk to her mom's boyfriend in Portuguese. The first things I noticed was the amount of motorcycles on the road compared to America. It seems like the motorcycles outnumbered other vehicles 4:1 because there were motorcycles all over the place. The motorcycles usually weaved through traffic and disobeying speed laws. Also, most of the cars were manual transmission. I saw a ton of old school beetles and to this day I'm not exactly sure why the old ones are popular.

    It was kind of scary at first because we were supposedly in a really bad city, and there's nothing better than a Caucasian tourist carrying a big ass travel sized luggage and 500 bucks in his pocket. That was just a disaster waiting to happen. Prior to going to Brazil, Kathleen told me what to do and what not to do in bad cities like that, so we ended up getting on the bus without a problem. I did my best to look like everyone else, and I'm just glad that I had my girlfriend to do the talking; otherwise, I would've been a lost puppy.

    The buses were really nice. Of course it was about a 25 dollar bus ride, but it was considered an "executive" bus because it had air conditioning and all that stuff; Kathleen and I sat in the back next to the bathroom which was a pretty dumb idea. Every time the door would open it would smell like straight up ass. When we stopped by a food place, I got a can of Coke and it tasted distinctively different than American coke. My girlfriend told me a while back that their Coke was made with "real sugar" and all that stuff so I anticipated it to be different but not that different. It took me about 3 Cokes for me to get used to the taste; even still, there's been some Cokes that I thoroughly enjoyed, and some Cokes I didn't enjoy but drank it anyway because I knew I was addicted. I also saw model cars there at the shop but some were over 150 dollars. A lot of shit is imported there so I eventually realized why everything was so much more expensive and made me regret not packing an extra suitcase with all kinds of shit in it. If I really wanted to, I could've doubled (maybe even tripled) my money but I was ignorant.

    When we got to her mom's house 5 hours later, I found out that the apartments are usually surrounded by electric fences. I'm all about that security so I thought it was a pretty awesome thing. Also, the place didn't look that good but I didn't want to say anything to my girlfriend because I thought that it'd upset her. As it turns out, that's kind of the point. The city wants to build crappy looking exteriors because they don't want thieves knowing the nice apartments. The apartments look really good on the inside and a pretty good amount of space.

    For the month, I'm gonna pretty much summarize what all happened because I'm starting to get tired and this entry is entirely too long.

    Going to Brazil was nothing like I expected. We spent a lot of our time in the apartment reading books, watching movies, eating, etc rather than venturing out and seeing Brazil. Brazil is a huge place so it's not like I can just go to the beach without spending 25 dollars and 5 hours on a bus ticket. Everything that I wanted to do was at least an hour away, but we've done a couple of things. Her mom's best friend had barbeques every now and then; the meat that they used was the cow hump. It contains a lot of fat, but it's a meat that they usually have. I've never had cow hump before and I was excited because I like trying different kinds of meat and I've been used to strip steaks, ribeyes, filet mignon, etc. We don't really have the cow hump at grocery stores like Kroger. I also spent a lot of time drinking tons of Coke because there was a lot of awkward moments. It's not fun listening to a conversation and not being able to respond because you don't know what the hell they're talking about. So it's like you just sit there looking at someone without saying a word. No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't understand what they were saying even though Portuguese is like the "drunk version of Spanish."

    Despite soccer being the most played sport in Brazil, I only got the chance to play twice with a group of people and it was fun as hell. The only problem was that I was on the team that had to take my shirt off and I thought it was extremely awkward that I was the only dude who was not only fat but hairy as fuck. Also, there was a girl who was my defense who didn't understand a God damn word of English so she was probably feeling just as awkward as I was. I was the goalie for a team and apparently I was really good.  My girlfriend's cousin told me that they thought I was a very brave goalie because I ran in front of the ball to pick it up and someone kicked that ball into my face. I got a bloody nose from it and didn't even know till later. I was more concerned about my contact falling out because I can get over a nose bleed but can't get over losing a clear contact in dirt.

    We also celebrated a couple birthday parties as well as went to a couple of weddings. On both occasions, bad things happen and I guess it's because I anticipate bad things to happen when alcohol is involved around me and I get uptight about it. The first occasion I ended up having to drive a manual transmission and I was already pretty fucking pissed off about something. I didn't know how to drive manual and I was scared as shit because I didn't know the road signs one bit. The second time, my girlfriend and I got into another argument and it took a while for us to be able to sit down and eat something. What ended up happening was that we had a nice long conversation. We're okay now but my mom didn't like that. My girlfriend's mom is usually on my side, and she doesn't like it one bit. We came to a compromise, and now I know how I can prevent arguments from happening...it's just really difficult to do. Also, it was disappointing that I didn't get the chance to see the night sky without a lot of clouds because it's supposedly really nice where we were (the country side). We were there for about a week and it was cloudy until like..the day after we left. So I never got the chance to see a REAL nice sky; I saw a nice sky a couple times, but it wasn't totally dark and I didn't see everything. But it was nice.

    The farm was cool though; a lot of land, hummingbirds flying around, dogs running around, fruit trees all over the place, etc. I found out that I like Mishitika...which is a type of fruit, supposedly family of the tangerine, grown in Brazil. I really enjoyed that fruit that I actually brought back some of the seeds to try and plant them.

    We spent a lot of time looking for gifts and shit like that. I found Coca-cola glasses for my collection along with some other cool stuff to fill up in my collection cabinet so I'm very pleased with the things I've purchased. I even came back with 115+ dollars so I didn't spend all my money.

    We didn't go to the beach or waterfall, but I got to spend time with her family and that's pretty much what I was hoping for. I'm sure I could go into more depth about Brazil but it's time for me to go to sleep.

    When I came back to Georgia, my dad thought that I still had a job with Kroger; a part of me was hoping that I could get back in the game and start making a little bit of money again, but another part of me was hoping that I was off the schedule because I really needed incentive to look for jobs elsewhere. I really don't want to go back to Kroger despite how long I've been there. I need to move up in the world, and Kroger isn't that opportunity. Yesterday I had to drop something off at the UPS store (my ex-kindle that I thought was broken), and I went to talk to a Kroger employee about my potential return and she said that I'd just need the store manager's approval and I'm pretty much good to go. I told her that I'm not ready to go back to Kroger because I'm hoping to find something better. My sister is gonna try and hook me up tomorrow, and I'm also going to be sending more resumes into different places with desk jobs. If I had a desk job...that'd be amazing. I'd rather make minimum wage sitting on my fat ass than standing up all day. Working in the meat department is hard work...you ever try cutting a 50 pound Ribeye roast into 1 inch slices with a dull knife? That shit wears you out.

    But that's enough of that. I'm tired, so it's bed time. Let's just hope that everything works out soon because I need a miracle.

     

March 28, 2013

  • Sick of this semester...

    I'm sick of this semester. I just want it to end. Then again, that's what I've been saying about all my previous semesters. I got a test tomorrow in computer science and I'm not even halfway done with the study guide. I plan on waking up at 8 AM to work on everything till about 1:30ish, then I'm gonna study between classes. I really shouldn't have this mentality, but I'm probably gonna fail that class. I just don't fucking understand it.

March 26, 2013

  • Mah Birthday

    The one thing you should never do when studying for a test is stay up all night to study for it...which is exactly what I did last Wednesday night. On Wednesday, I got home from work at 10 PM and had work at 6 AM the next day along with a Spanish test. I figured that I might as well study for the whole night, and accomplish whatever I needed accomplished. I went to work at 6 AM the next day feelin' like you just stayed up all night studying for a test. I work in the meat department, and it's always cold as hell back there. I had to organize some shit, so I ended up sluggin' 40 pound boxes all over the place until snot was dripping out of my nose. By the time I was finished, I was sweating, deep breathing, and pissed off. I wanted to go the fuck home but our newest co-worker was working today, and he's not 100% able to work the department in the morning by himself. No one should really open up the department by themselves but sometimes it happens. With all my stuff going on, I just wanted to do my shit and get out of there. I wanted to ask my Spanish teacher some questions about the test so that I could understand things a little bit better, so I wanted to leave a little bit earlier. Normally Kroger doesn't have a problem with that, but I failed to tell my store manager that I was leaving. The reason why I didn't tell my store manager was because I wanted to tell her, but she kind of pushed me off and didn't think anything I had to say was really important. Considering I was tired, I kinda got pissed off about that because I considered it rude and disrespectful; mostly because she's the store manager and she was in the building walking around. When you walk into your job's building, you can't just push anyone aside. Sometimes, before I clock in (or clock out), a customer might come up and ask me for something. What do you think I'm gonna say to that? "Sorry. I'm off work right now. Can't help you." You have a certain responsibility that you need to fulfill. Unless you aren't working for the day, then I don't see why you can't help someone. I was just gonna ask her for something and she brushed me off when she wasn't even busy. I waited for her to get to work so I could tell her as soon as possible so that she'll understand that I'm gonna leave at 12 instead of 1 PM, but she became an inconvenience to me because I had to wait even longer to tell her important information. So I just decided...to hell with it. If you're gonna inconvenience me, then I'm gonna inconvenience you. I didn't think it would be a problem considering the fact that my other co-worker was working and he would've had to only endure an extra hour by himself in the afternoon. The very least, he just had to stand at the service counters and weigh some shit up for some customers so it's never really a big deal. But 11:30 AM rolls around, she comes up, inspects our department, and says that I need to do the seafood service counter over again. 

    The seafood service counter isn't easy to set-up. It's a tedious process even if it's a simple concept. Apparently I fucked up certain things, added too much ice, and she told me to do it all over again. By the time I got the seafood case down to the beginning of setup, I had to go. I had shit to do. I told my co-worker I was leaving at 12, and I wasn't gonna wait. I told him "sorry" and that I didn't anticipate something like this to happen. We've been having to change some shit around, and I wasn't exactly sure where everything went. About 90% of the case was correct, but the 10% was what resulted in me having to do the service case. Since it was 12 PM, I slipped out of work to wash off the smell of fish off my body at home so that I could talk to my teacher and study for my test. As I went to school, I realized that working made shit even worse; now instead of having Spanish on my mind, I was pissed at my store manager for coming around our backs and making me do something right before I'm about to leave. I was sleep deprived and pissed, so you can imagine that I went into this test not very excited. When I finally got to do the test, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I skipped an entire section because I forgot how to do something, and my brain wasn't clicking. I wanted to go the fuck home after the test and go to sleep, but I had to attend my Computer Science class in case he gives a review or examples of what's gonna be on the next test. The test is Thursday, so I've gotta find time between then to create a study guide and shit like that. In between classes, I'll be doing homework so I won't have to do it during the night.

    The only reason why I made Thursday was because of my birthday. I was excited about celebrating my birthday with my girlfriend, so I accepted the fact that I probably failed the test. I went to sleep around 9:30 PM and had the greatest sleep this year so far. It was one of those sleep deprived sleeps where you wake up and don't even have a concept of time. I didn't even know why my alarm clock was going off; I think I woke up faster than my brain rebooting.

    Friday night was a kinda emotional night for me considering Spartacus is about to end and something happened to the point that I started to cry. Something happened to one of my favorite characters in the show, and it really hit close to home.
     It was pretty much an average weekend with my girlfriend until Sunday rolled around and she cooked me a dinner of my choice. For some reason, I was craving rice, corn, and chicken...so she cooked all those things and it was delicious. I ate about three bowls of rice, and I don't regret a thing. She also gave me an envelope that consisted of a ticket to ride in Rusty Wallace's nascar car (or something like that) on the Atlanta Motor Speedway. To me, that's really freakin' cool. I've always wanted to know what it's like going fast, but I've always wanted to do it legally and with a car to do it with. I won't be driving the car, but riding is still going to be an adrenaline rush. I'm sure there's going to be an option for me to take videos in-car camera for a certain price (hopefully not too expensive), and maybe I'll get a picture with a signature on it. I don't know. It's gonna be super fun, and it's going to be in May. May is the awesome month of the year, apparently.

    When I came back to work on Monday, a manager pulled me aside and told me that my store manager was pretty pissed that I left early. I told him about how I felt about the whole thing, that I know I'm ultimately responsible, but I told him that it could've been prevented if she had listened to me in the first place. Kroger isn't going to talk to me about being a "team" when there's segregation of managers and associates. But of course...no one really cares about what I think.

    This weekend will be kind of difficult for me because I'll be going with family to a family reunion of some sort in North Carolina. My sister is going and everyone else is going, so I don't want to feel like I'm not being part of the family. My dad thinks I'm a stranger and that I'm excluding myself from the family, but that's his own personal opinion...which everyone is entitled to. He's wrong, but you can't please everybody. I'm growing up, you know? I found something that keeps me pre-occupied and feelings of ANY kind of motivation, so I'm gonna keep doing what makes me happy. It has come at a cost, for instance not being able to see my sister as much, but we still hang out every now and then. Kinda sucks that she has cats in her apartment because I'm allergic, but...what can you do? It's gonna suck because I won't be able to see the next episode of Spartacus with my girlfriend (or even at all). She may not be able to either considering she's got another "girl's night" and she expects to be home by 10 PM to watch the episode. Oh...my baby sure is funny. The thing I've learned about college kids in university is that they sleep all day during the weekend and stay up all night...which is great if you're 14 and it's summer vacation. But after 20? It's like...can't tell if you're too boring during the day time or a vampire. If you're a vampire, then I completely understand going out during the night time.

    I'm just glad I'm not working tomorrow. My grandmother on my mom's side of the family gave me 30 bucks for my birthday and  10 dollar lottery ticket (I didn't win anything). I almost used the 20 dollar bill to buy a 20 dollar lottery ticket, but then I thought about it and realized that I could pay for gas, or even another model car. I never win on those things, and I think Kathleen and I are starting to get addicted. We're getting too desperate, and that's obviously why the thing works out so well. Welpp...I help myself pay for my own college tuition, so it's like giving myself a pat on the back. Gotta stay positive.

    Can't decide if I should read a book, or play some games.

March 20, 2013

  • We'll See What Happens...

    On Monday morning, I saw some pretty bizarre shit on the highway headed towards downtown Atlanta. I was driving in the middle lane of the highway, what I tend to do, and there was a big rig about three seconds distance away from me on the far right lane. I didn't notice anything suspicious until I saw the big rig turn the steering wheel too fast like he was avoiding an obstacle on the road suddenly. Naturally, I released the gas pedal in case there'd be a sudden stop on the highway so I wouldn't have to slow down so much but realized everything was cool about a second afterwards when the driving collected himself. I kept my eye on him and I saw him drift off into the emergency lane, narrowly avoiding the bridge wall and I immediately noticed that his hood was open, water was gushing out, and sparks were flying everywhere. I thought the big rig was going to explode. I wasn't sure what the heck was going on -- a guy in a small truck pulled over from a short distance, and I was on my way to school.

    A couple distance away, I realized that I had my dashboard camera recording the whole time. To avoid any content writing over it, I decided to turn off the camera. Today was going to be the first time my camera recorded anything other than the normal driving routine. The whole time during Psychology class, I couldn't help but think about that video I recorded and was excited about taking it home, plugging it up the computer, and reviewing it. However, when I got home, the video where I had the incident with the big rig was black. There was no video. There was audio to it, but no video. The videos before that were fine recording and even after I recorded, but it was just that one that didn't record correctly. Even still, I put it on my computer in hopes that it would show on the computer and it didn't work.
    When I realized that it was all hopeless, I thought to myself..."well, that would happen."

    Sounds awfully similar to the experience I had many years ago when I was a kid. My sister had a friend who I really liked. My sister and her had the door locked, and I found out she was naked. Naturally, I wanted her to come out. Eventually she did, but as she opened the door, my eyes went blurry to the point that I had to wipe them. By the time I got rid of the blur in my eyes, the door was already closed. I missed my golden opportunity all because my eyes got blurred for that 5 seconds. And that 5 seconds would've made all the difference if I had just had a PEEK at that body, but I didn't get anything. It's something that I'll never forget. And it totally sucks ass.

    So I didn't get the video of the big rig, but you can imagine that it was definitely something to wake up to in the morning.

    Last Sunday, my girlfriend and I went out to a dinner and a movie. I wanted to take my girlfriend to TGIF's for steak along with a movie. The original plan was that we were going to see two movies, but TGIF's was going to take too long of a time so we decided to see a late night movie. It was almost a bad date because we got there super early and we sat down like a bunch of homeless people for a while before we decided to go outside and walk around. Then we sat in the car and talked. The movie started at 10:00 or something like that and we saw the new Oz movie. I gotta say that it was really good. Certain parts tugged at the heart strings a little bit, but I enjoyed it. We even saw a scene from Jurassic Park 3D and it was fucking amazing. That night, I had a nightmare about dinosaurs and I don't regret a thing.

    I'm still getting ready for Brazil. Tomorrow I plan on giving my letter and everything to my store manager so that she can send it into HR to get it approved. I just really hope that I'll have a job when I come back. But some good news though is that I think I found out what I want to do with my life: become a high school guidance counselor!

    I really thought about it one day and I think it's something that I would really like to do. It's something that I feel passionate about, about helping kids through an important part of their lives set themselves on the right track, and I just can't see myself doing anything else. Which is great because I've really narrowed it down. The problem is getting to that point. Apparently I need a masters, and I really don't know how I'm going to stand another 100,000 years in school. I may not be working till I'm 31 years old at this point. I don't know how my sister did it so fast. But hey...at least I got a dream now and understanding of what I want to become, right?

    Well, my birthday is in 4 days. It's on a Sunday, but I don't know if my family is going to celebrate it this weekend or not. I know nothing about it. I'll be 23...can you believe that? Ridiculous.

  • Haven't posted in a while

    I haven't posted in a while. My birthday is in four days. Shit is pretty much the same right now. Gotta update my shit so I won't feel so bad about my Xanga. One day I'll have a good little update. But not right now.

January 26, 2013

  • My Friday Night

    At this very moment, my girlfriend is either:

    a) asleep
    b) having fun with a bunch of girls (the term commonly known as "girl's night")

    It's probably option B, because the ear plugs that we bought are decent but they aren't THAT great. Several years ago when I had to hear Fleetwood Mac for the whole damn night, I realized that I'm only a heavy sleeper when I fall asleep. Before that point, any disturbing sound could wake me up. Kathleen is worse than I am, but she can't drink a whole lot without starting to have an upset stomach. Last time she had Girl's night, it was at the dorm -- instead of being financially smart about the whole thing, I decided to fork out 40+ dollars for a night at some 3-4 star hotel. I'm not going to lie, it was actually pretty cool to get out, spend time with myself, and brainstorm book ideas (which I later all trashed). Instead of spending more money on a hotel again, I decided to just stay at home all Friday and wait till tomorrow morning to leave. It actually works out for me because my store manager is going to be working tomorrow morning, and I really need to get the ball rolling on the whole Brazil thing. The plane tickets have been bought, and I'll be in Brazil for a month -- with or without my job. However, I'm trying to keep my job...but first I have to go through the ultimate challenge which is confront my store manager about it. Everybody else has pretty much approved of it, but she's gotta finalize it and say that it's all right before I know for certain what's going to happen. In the mean time, I was able to clean my room before my grandmother comes home on Sunday, and I was able to help my grandfather put Christmas decorations in the attic. I wrote a list of all the things I need to pack tomorrow morning before I leave so I won't forget anything important -- I could do it now, but I need to get my mind into get early in the morning. I plan on waking up super early, like 7:30 AM so I can be down at my girlfriend's dorm early in the morning before she wakes up so I can climb in bed with her and sleep some more. My store manager should get there at 7:30, ideally, so I'll be able to have a little conference and be on my way.

    This past month or so has been pretty crazy though. I had the flu not so long ago, and then not long after...I caught my girlfriend's cold that resulted in me losing my voice and dry coughing. I didn't know where I got the flu considering she had the cold at the time, but I know for a fact that I got the cold from her because she had the same symptoms. I was working one night and started feeling really weak at work -- ended up with the chills and a 103 fever that same night. Now I can't speak very well, and I just got through weakness a couple days ago. At this point, I need to shut my mouth and let my body recover but haven't been able to because I'm working. Of course, my girlfriend is still coughing, but we've both been sick off and on for a while now and I'm really starting to get concerned. The good news is that I got health insurance -- worst case scenario is I pay to get a check-up and give them my arm for a prescription or something of that nature. I'm more concerned with my girlfriend, however, because...well...she's my girlfriend and she's been sick just a little bit longer than I have. Supposedly there's a lot of cold/flu cases going around this year. I think I even read somewhere that it's the most ever in like a billlion years. I don't know.

    I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, but I don't really have anyone anymore to spend time with besides my girlfriend. Normally I'm okay with that because I spend my quality time with her as much as possible, and she's also my best friend. However, when she has plans with her friends and others, a thought crosses my mind that maybe I could utilize my time by hanging out with friends as well. The only difference is, of course, we don't have a "boy's night" and it's more of a catching up on old times, going out for a bite to eat, and sharing funny stories. Considering I can't really talk, I don't really blame myself for not trying to hang out with someone. I can think of a few people who might would've been able to, but I didn't really think about it for too long. I spent most of my day playing Skyrim -- recently downloaded the DawnGuard add-on, so I got hooked up with more adventures. Searching caves and shooting rabbits with arrows isn't my preferred activity during a Friday night, but it was nice to kick back and enjoy the silence. Besides, I didn't want to get my mind on my girlfriend because I would've done something stupid if I thought about her for too long...like renting a damn hotel room just for the sake of being closer to her. And you know? I would've done it again if I had a laptop, but based on my last entry...it's still broken. I really plan on getting it fixed because it was really something special to me, but right now it's just laying in my room getting old. Just like me. I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm not saving a whole lot of money considering I got Netflix and a subscription to LA Fitness with my girlfriend. It's cheaper than my grandfather's gym, but I'm just not going. I'm not getting my money's worth, and I really should give a shit but I don't. My muscle is pretty much non-existent, my stomach is getting to be American sized, and shit is going down this year. Don't get me wrong...this year is off to a good start considering I'm taking a full load of classes and trying to transition into a University system for Fall semester, but then there's that lingering problem of NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK I WANNA DO WITH MY LIFE. Which is juuuuuussssstttt perfect, right? My academics would look pretty damn good if I had an idea of what I wanted to do a long time ago, but now is crunch time and I haven't gotten the faintest idea. Still. But I've been doing what my girlfriend says, and that's pretty much it. We're trying to get there, all right? I'm trying.

    I don't suspect my girlfriend will call me tonight. I would've given her huge brownie points if she had called me before she went to bed, which she still might, but won't hold it against her if she doesn't. But to hear her voice and tell me that everything went great and that she's going to bed would make me feel a little bit better about sacrificing some time out of my schedule for my girlfriend to have fun. That's what a good boyfriend does, right? I think so. But if she does call me, and EVEN if she wakes me up, I'll still give her loads of kisses when I get there and we lay back down to go to sleep together...how a weekend night should be.

    Gonna be a busy weekend for sure! Need to go to bed before I decide to stay up all night. Need to rest my voice so I can talk to my store manager today to get everything in order.

    Regardless, I'm going to Brazil. No matter what. It's a done deal. It's gonna happen.

    I'm finally going to meet her family.

January 24, 2013

  • Anger Issues

    Before I met my girlfriend, I lived a life without doing drugs or drinking alcohol. I didn't smoke cigarettes, chew tobacco, or anything of that nature. To me, that's a huge achievement...something, to this day, that I'll always be proud of. I didn't succumb to peer pressure, I didn't make horrible decisions that would affect my criminal history, didn't get involved with the wrong people, etc. I even started going to college and taking classes when I actually was planning on killing myself. My academic record isn't good, but I believe that my personal record is. Unfortunately, that's not what colleges look at. They don't give a shit about what you've been through -- they only care about your letter grades, and your volunteering. To you, you're just a number. We live in a society where people believe that depression is just something voluntary -- that people can just "suck it up" and deal with it. I don't know about you, but for a large portion of my teenage and young adult years, I was hurt.

    And yet...I still managed, by some miracle, to push through. Of course I've made some bad decisions, mostly academically. Of course my hatred for life brought consequences of developing...no, feeding my anger issue.

    I remember a long time ago when Ginger (my mom's oldest dog that died a while back) had puppies, they were all in the bathroom. They were being so loud that I got frustrated and ended up kicking a hole through the door (almost). What led up to that point? I have no idea. However, I still did it. The question might be: is that a rational response? Probably not.

    Of course, my dad and I have had family issues over the years. I couldn't look up to him like I wanted to as a child. I thought he was the coolest dad, but then I started to realize that he was no one. My father is an example of what not to be -- yet I hear all these stories of people who are very motivated in life who grew up with parents that they looked up to. I could be that kid who is motivated through superheros and whatnot, but I've never read comics, didn't take a personal interest in movie celebrities, or anything else. I spent most of high school afraid of failing because my dad was going to punish me if I didn't. It wasn't until my junior and senior year when I actually liked school -- by that time, school was pretty much over. Of course, this is all while I was still feeling guilty about fucking my mom's life up and everything, feeling unwanted because I didn't deserve to live, and etc. I've been traumatized by shit that shouldn't have traumatized me like it has, but this is the way my life has led. And yet...there was still that black cloud of "anger" over my head.

    Oh yeah. I had anger issues. Had. Past-tense. I have anger, but my anger isn't an issue anymore. It used to. Yeah. I remember fighting with my dad from dusk till dawn, having my internet cord yanked out of the router, crying while having harmful thoughts, etc. One time, I over-dosed on sleep medication because I was so angry that I wanted my death to be an inconvenience to people. Do I do that shit anymore? No. With my dad, I have a lack of caring. I pick my battles, I'll confront people about them, but just because someone has a disagreement with me doesn't automatically send me into anger mode. It's not a sudden thing. My anger builds up just like any normal person, and there's a threshold just like any normal person. I've thrown a thing or two, dropped a thing or two, but I don't harm people. I don't even harm myself. Maybe financially considering I dropped a laptop on the floor while having an argument with my girlfriend. Yeah, anger tends to lead to irrationality. That's why they say that you shouldn't drive angry -- not just me...everybody.

    Just because I've had an anger issue, some people still think I still do. The reason why my dad believes that I don't care is because I choose not to respond or to have something to say back. When I do say something back, however, my dad might think that I have an anger issue. We'll have a disagreement and if it's something that I feel needs to be addressed, I'll express myself. If my dad is talking on the phone with a loud tone, I'll just talk louder so he can hear me...otherwise, I can't get the message across. He's the type of person who wants the last say in everything, and will walk away thinking that he's making you think. He thinks that he's always right, a mastermind, and everybody doesn't know what they're talking about. When someone confronts him, he'll just say that he's just asking questions, trying to "figure it all out" or something. It used to push my buttons, but not anymore? I just tone it out. I pick my battles. I'm not going to argue over drinking the last can of soda in the fridge -- if it's really that big of a deal, I'll go somewhere and by another one. I'm not going to argue about eating the last chicken thigh because everyone in my household is an adult. If I really wanted some food, I could cook myself something or go to a fast food place and get something to eat. I ain't going to argue about it though because I've done too much arguing over the years and I've just realized that it's just not worth it. My girlfriend and I have argued some big shit, though. I love my girlfriend, I would do anything for her, I would sacrifice my life for her. She has made me vulnerable. I care about her, and therefore I care about what she says. Sometimes the shit she does and says pisses me off, and we end up arguing. It's not an everyday thing, of course, but we'll have arguments that escalate out of nowhere from shit that's basically caused by miscommunication. I would never hurt her, I know there's a certain point where my anger needs to be toned down. I cause more damage to inanimate objects because I know that they're not going to fight back, they're not going to push me to get more angry. I don't pick fights with people -- in fact, I've never gotten punched in the face with full force. But with inanimate objects, I know that the only damage I'd be causing is to another inanimate object, and me financially. Even when I'm angry, there's a degree of rationality. Yet some people still believe I have an anger "issue."

    What is an anger issue? My anger is controlled. I don't just blow shit just because a car cuts in front of me -- mostly because I know how people drive and can predict it happening. I don't blow shit about someone going slower than me -- I may get irritated, but who isn't? Our lives are ticking. If I can travel 10 miles faster to get to a destination 10 miles quicker, I'm gonna do it. The only people who have time to drive under the speed limit are the people who are retired. I've looked this shit up, and I can not think of myself as someone with an anger issue. Of course I used to have an anger issue, but that was in the past. Just because I had it then doesn't mean I have it now. It's not a denial thing -- it just ain't true. I get angry sometimes, I get irritated, I get happy, etc. It's a biological emotion, and I'm not going to waste my time trying to defend myself when I had a logical response.

    I'm not even mad right now as I'm typing this entry -- I just don't like that my past is still with me. I don't want that past anymore. I want to be motivated, I want to be outgoing, I want to be energetic, etc. There's a lot of psychological things holding me back to my true potential, but referring to my anger as an "issue" is something that I don't like because it brings back the shit I don't want to remember. The past Brandon is gone. This is 2013 -- I'm almost 23 years old and going nowhere real fuckin' fast. I don't want someone to tell me that I have an anger issue. I just want someone to one day say "Brandon, I can understand why you're angry."

    I just want to be understood, that's all.

December 11, 2012

  • The Truth of Life: My Philosophy

    There are three ultimate truths about life:

    1. You were born.
    2. You will die.
    3. You are limited.

    These truths are guarantees; they are unavoidable, and there's nothing that you can do about it. You are limited in your capabilities: no matter how far we travel across the galaxy, no matter how big we build sky scrapers, the ultimate truth is that we are limited. We are caged. We are not free. Though some may believe that the universe is infinite, we are only limited. The things we know now may only be a small fraction of the truth. If the universe is ever expanding, we may never truly understand everything there is to know about the world. We always try to understand how death occurs, how our deaths can be prolonged, but we still die. We may be able to prevent pregnancies and stop pregnancies, but humans are born -- if they weren't, our human civilization would die.

    Not only are you physically caged, but you are mentally caged -- you put yourself in a cage, throw away the key, all because of your illusion of truth. The illusion is, of course, what you find to be "the meaning of life." You might grow up believing that you were set on this Earth for a purpose: perhaps you're motivated to earn money, raise a family, donate to charity, build cars, or whatever it is you find to be "the reason" why you are here. However, there is no meaning: you were born because you were born, you will die because you will die, and you are limited because you are limited compared to the universe. In a way, the reason why you are here is because you will die. You might also believe that living according to your pursuit of your "meaning of life" is considered "success." You may feel that in order to be happy, you must be successful; you may feel that in order to feel alive, you must be happy.

    You may feel that living is something that is achieved through success, rather than the fact that you are alive. However, if you are alive...you were born, and you're not dead. Right now, you're simply transitioning from one truth to the other. As a result, your life is confined through a beginning and end -- a inevitable limitation. Will you grow up to be successful in business? Will you be homeless? Will you be able to produce offspring? Will you be able to save someone's life when the opportunity arises? There are no guarantees in life. No matter how hard you work, no matter how much you learn, you will die just like everybody else.

    In between your transition into death, you will be micro-transitioning through stages:

    1. When you are born, you will prepare to learn.
    2. While you learn, you will prepare to work.
    3. While you work, you will prepare to die.

    Ultimately, everything you do from your birth to your death is you are preparing to die. That is life: you are born to die. Everything in between is irrelevant. Your boss cannot prevent death, your money cannot prevent death, your exercise cannot prevent death because death is one of the ultimate truths; you will die either now or later.

    We once believe that the Earth was the center of the universe; even though we may only be a small fraction of the Universe, we are still important to ourselves. The most important person in our lives is ourselves because we were born ourselves, and we will die ourselves. The only person you will ever fully understand is yourself. No one will always understand everything you say or do because you are yourself. You are alone in your world. You may find yourself asking for understanding, but sometimes your tears will drop to the floor and melt just like your illusion of truth. Ultimately, you can only help yourself.

    That's the general idea of my philosophy, something I've had real trouble getting over the past year or so. It's going to be a real challenge for me to actually care about my future, but I'm gonna try...for what it's worth. Don't know what I'll be doing, but I'm just gonna wing it. Kathleen gave me some ideas on start, so I'm just gonna look for a direction and shoot for it...even though I know I won't feel confident that I'm going to stay on that path. We shall see though...

     

December 5, 2012

  • Tired of Everything...

    I went to work at 3 PM. I was feelin' pretty good about everything because I went to bed a little bit early two nights ago and got 10 hours of sleep. I mowed the front lawn, since my grandmother asked me to, and I got out of class a little bit earlier than usual because it was only a review session. When I get to work, some parts of the shelves are practically empty. Immediately, I question why the shelves aren't full like they're supposed to be and I see our new co-worker walk around the corner. I figured since she's kind of new, she didn't know any better so I didn't jump to any conclusions or accuse anyone of anything. She told me that we didn't have any product to put out, so I checked the back cooler and found out that our cooler was practically empty. We have some fresh seafood, whole strip steaks, tenderloins, tyson chicken, and ham. Everything else we're out of. I knew that we were going to get a truck yesterday night, but it was only 3 in the afternoon -- I still had till 10 PM to worry about that shit. I didn't have any product to put out, so I reminded the managers that I have no product...so when they're walking by and notice empty shelves, they'll know exactly why it is. "I would fill it up if I could, but I have no product to put out," I told the new manager when I started my shift. I'm not all concerned about having empty shelves because I could care less about what product comes in and what product comes out -- that's not my responsibility because I don't do orders. I'm not paid 18 bucks an hour to do all kinds of shit. I'm paid about 7.45 and work part time -- I already do more than I should, so it's not like I'm doing my fair share. I'm definitely working like I have a 9 dollar an hour+ job, but what do you expect when you work at a grocery store? It's like I've allowed myself to be degraded. It's not the fact that we have no product to put out, it's the fact that people come by and want to buy something but are unable to do so. What ends up happening is that the meat department gets bad reviews, and that effects the over-all percentage of satisfaction from the store. The managers look at customer comments and whatnot, and they'll usually go with the customer's side of the story rather than the employee. We're supposed to have meat on the shelves, and there's hardly ever any exception. They'll say that the reason why we don't have product is because someone didn't order -- it could be the case. Like I said, I don't do orders so it's really not my problem in that aspect. But you know what else it does? I have to tell all my customers that I don't know what's going on, and that I'm sorry. I've been saying sorry all damn fucking day over something that was out of my control. My manager is probably going to come in tomorrow, wonder why the fuck the shelves are empty, and look at me weirdly for the rest of the day like there's something wrong with me. He probably already knows, but he's going to say that I could've cut this, I could've grinded that, I could've cubed this, I could've sliced that, I could've steamed that, I could've cleaned that, or anything else. And worst of all, he'll say that I got a bad attitude or something when I lay down the facts. If people accuse me of something, I'm gonna tell them the facts. People can say whatever they want about my anger issues or whatever, but I have a right to get angry and shit and just because I have a retort doesn't mean that I have uncontrollable urges. I'm angry because I wanted to complete a challenge that my store manager gave us, but I couldn't do it. How do you expect me to get a 5 star comment when we don't even have product to put out? The bottom line is that people want the product more than they want the customer service...it's the FUCKING REASON WHY THEY ARE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! If we don't have hamburger meat, people can't buy it. I could tell him all the information about it, recommend something else, change a price, give them a raincheck, but you know what is gonna happen? Absolutely nothing. They'll go to Publix practically next door and tell someone about their bad experience at Krogers because our shelves were practically empty. To a customer, I just wasn't doing my job...but I can't explain to a customer the situation, because no one gives a fuck about what I think. I hate my job so fucking much, but I work my ass off doing things that's not even my own job description to do, and I don't get any appreciation. But yesterday was fucking retarded.

    I had to deal with customers asking questions about...you know...why the fuck there's a big ass empty section of the meat department missing of product, and I was checking for expired products in the lunch meat. As I expected, I found a lot of expired products from October and November...which goes to show me that no one is doing markdowns or scan outs, so they're just leaving it on the shelf hoping someone will buy it. In my mind, I can't sell an expired product to a mother who is giving lunchables to her kid; I'm surprised we've been able to get away with that stuff for a while, because there's a lot of empty spaces in the lunch meat area. Of course, my manager might ask about that as well, and I'm just gonna try to remain factual as possible. I mean I could have the sweetest voice in responding and people would still assume that I'm having a bad attitude. People don't even know what a bad attitude is...I don't know if it's because they're fucking stupid, or they're just around perfect people. I don't know.

    So it's like...fuck it, right? I might as well be the only one to carry the team by looking for expired products since no one else will. Apparently, that's my job and I haven't been doing it when really it's everyone's responsibility. Fuck me, though. No one cares about what I think. Everything I say is pretty much dismissed because I apparently have an anger issue. I have no right to be angry at anything and express myself because I'm being totally irrational!

    No big deal. I just let it go. Besides, it killed an hour and I'd need to do all that I could so I could remain sane for the rest of the day. After that, I took all the black totes to the receiving area, and put another pallet in the area so I could put the remaining 50 totes scattered all over the fucking cooler on the pallet. No big deal because working in the cooler makes you warm. Sweat feels pretty good when you're in a cooler, fyi. No big deal.

    I take out the trash when the trash is heavy as shit when it gets dark. When I throw it into the dumpster, the trashbag breaks open and all the stuff inside spills out NEXT to the dumpster. We're not talking big things, we're talking like...fat trimmings of beef, fat trimmings of chicken, expired products, gloves, paper towels, etc. I'm picking that shit up with my bare hands even though I know for a fact that none of my co-workers would take responsibility and just walk away. It's always "let someone else take care of it" at my store. I'm fairly certain the receiving manager will comment to me about that or some shit, and which I'll remind them that it looked a lot worse when the entire trash bag spilled -- they're actually fortunate that I picked up the mess. But no one cares about what I think.

    After that, I just pretty much relaxed to calm down. I was pissed off about a lot of things, about the fact that I want to help my girlfriend anyway that I can but all of her problems are something out of my fucking control. I've been trying to brainstorm how I can help my girlfriend, but there's literally nothing I can do. Last night when I asked Kathleen about it, she started to cry and didn't want me to remind her about the situation...so I pretty much ruined her night by making sure everything is going according to the plan. Fuck me for being persistent in ONE THING, by trying to help my girlfriend be persistent in getting the shit she deserves. Everything else she's going through is stuff beyond my control. The only thing I can do is spend time with her which is great and all, but she's still gonna be upset that shit is going on in her life. I listen to her cry, I talk to her, do all the kinds of shit a real boyfriend should do but in the end...she's still suffering. So I got shit like that on my mind while being pissed off, which I piss myself off because I'm unable to provide for her the things she needs to feel better...which is fuckin' cool. So I'm super pissed, and 8:30 rolls around and the night manager says that I need to unload truck. I've never done it by myself, but I didn't think it would be so bad. Turns out the packing company who packed all the shit up did a horrible job because eggs were spilled EVERYWHERE. We had to put product on two different pallets, so it ended up being a total of 8 pallets I had to move BY MYSELF. I could've easily let the manager do it consider it's the manager's responsibility to unload the truck, but I'm a nice guy and a hard worker...and no one cares what I think. So fuck it. I do that shit, and it takes me until I close AND then 30 minutes extra that I probably won't be paid for over-time because, quite frankly, Krogers doesn't give a shit about me and no one cares about what I think. Oh, and I spilled some product here and there, but hey...it was disorganized in the beginning. I don't give a shit. Some people are going to go to work tomorrow unsatisfied with "whoever" did the truck last night, and I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. I'll say I did, and leave it at that. It was the best thing that I could do, and that's it. Fuck it.

    I'm just tired of everything. I wanted to go over to Kathleen's place tomorrow, but she said no because she's gotta study. This is her final exam week, so I completely agreed with that. Instead, I'm gonna spend all day Thursday on a bench at the nearest lake. I haven't decided what I'm going to do, but I may just sit there and watch my life pass me by, because the only person who cares about what I think is myself...and I'll think all....fuckin...day. It's gonna be great!

December 3, 2012

  • Up's and Down's

    I'd like to say that I'm generally happy -- sometimes I forget that I have shit to do, and that's part of my problem. I easily forget the seriousness of my life. The longer I sit and down nothing, the older I get before I'm able to retire. I wish there was some kind of medical condition that is able to explain why I do what I do, but the only logical explanation that people could come up with is possibly "because I'm retarded." Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the sense that I am fucking up my life and yet I'm doing nothing about it. For a while now, I've gotten so scared that I'm afraid of myself. I know that I gotta get my shit together, but I'm holding myself back. It's the worse fucking feeling in the world. I look into my girlfriend's eyes and I feel my problems just melt away. I am the prime example of living in the present because every so often I'll worry about my future, but I'll just go right back into my present state of mind where I'm here. I wish I could explain it, I wish I could find something to help me...but it's pretty rough.

    I know for a fact that I love to talk to people, and I love to help people. I'm pretty good with naming cars, and I thought that maybe I could become a car insurance agent -- turns out that they work on commission. I'm not a competing type of guy because I feel pressured. I talked to a school counselor about becoming a guidance counselor or something, but she just kinda laughed -- it was either that or a Psychiatrist. I thought about becoming a car journalist for magazines, but you gotta start out freelance to build a reputation. Again...competition. I don't want a job that requires physical labor, I want a desk job. I want to deal with people, I want to help people, and that's pretty much as far as I've gotten.

    I also know that I want to write a book -- I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to write about, even skipped a few Spanish classes to brainstorm ideas, but I can't generate anything onto paper. The first book I was going to write about is actually becoming a movie, so it seems that the only good ideas that I have are going to be taken from Hollywood...SOON.

    Despite all of this, I'm generally happy. I look forward every weekend to seeing my girlfriend because, I'm not going to lie, she's an important part of my life. I believe she's my soul-mate -- why the hell should I treat her as anything less? Why should I pretend to not be devastated if something were to happen to her? Some people believe in soul-mates, but don't think they should put their significant others on a pedestal? Call me crazy, but I just don't get that. If you truly love someone, you don't want anything to happen to them. I'm 22 fucking years old -- how the hell would you expect me to live 80 more years under the assumption that I'm going to find someone better than my soul-mate? She's got a permanent place in my heart -- I would never be the same without her. Hell yeah I'd probably think about ending my life. Because you see...before I met Kathleen, I've spent over 20 years getting ready for a career. But you know what's made me feel alive? Nothing. Sure...I've learned a lot about the world over the years, I've learned how things work, I've made some money here and there...but a video game doesn't make me feel the way I feel with my woman. I am more than just a credit score number, or a business partner. I'm a human being with emotions and a passion for something. It just so happens that my passion isn't building a business from the bottom-up, or making six-figure digits as a well respected attorney. My passion is love, and that's more passion than what I've had.

    Things are changing, though. Eventually I'm going to reach a transition by realizing the importance of my early adulthood. I may end up regretting more than I do now, but only time will tell.

    My girlfriend has been going through some major shit as well. It's a long story, and for legal purposes I'm not going to get into it too much. Basically, we found out that she purchased a vehicle that wasn't supposed to be sold. It's between family members, and she's caught in the middle of it. She's cried a lot about it, and I wish I could settle everything myself...but I'm letting the seller take care of everything since he's a friend of my girlfriend, and suggests that he doesn't like bad business. We'll see about that, I suppose. My girlfriend, of course, has a "bad feeling." I can't say that I don't blame her because I've had that bad feeling before she even purchased the vehicle, and she knows it too. We got past it, shit went down, and now she's gotta deal with either

    a) getting the money back or
    b) getting a different car

    So far I haven't heard anything else, but I'll keep Xanga updated when big news comes up. She loved that. I even got her a some car seat covers for Christmas (though she already knows this).

    Thanksgiving was pretty great. Work sucks, as always, but I'm looking forward to going to Brazil next year. I don't know when it'll be and I'm getting nervous that it won't happen, but I really want to go.

    That's all I can think of right now.