January 24, 2013

• Anger Issues

  Before I met my girlfriend, I lived a life without doing drugs or drinking alcohol. I didn't smoke cigarettes, chew tobacco, or anything of that nature. To me, that's a huge achievement...something, to this day, that I'll always be proud of. I didn't succumb to peer pressure, I didn't make horrible decisions that would affect my criminal history, didn't get involved with the wrong people, etc. I even started going to college and taking classes when I actually was planning on killing myself. My academic record isn't good, but I believe that my personal record is. Unfortunately, that's not what colleges look at. They don't give a shit about what you've been through -- they only care about your letter grades, and your volunteering. To you, you're just a number. We live in a society where people believe that depression is just something voluntary -- that people can just "suck it up" and deal with it. I don't know about you, but for a large portion of my teenage and young adult years, I was hurt.

  And yet...I still managed, by some miracle, to push through. Of course I've made some bad decisions, mostly academically. Of course my hatred for life brought consequences of developing...no, feeding my anger issue.

  I remember a long time ago when Ginger (my mom's oldest dog that died a while back) had puppies, they were all in the bathroom. They were being so loud that I got frustrated and ended up kicking a hole through the door (almost). What led up to that point? I have no idea. However, I still did it. The question might be: is that a rational response? Probably not.

  Of course, my dad and I have had family issues over the years. I couldn't look up to him like I wanted to as a child. I thought he was the coolest dad, but then I started to realize that he was no one. My father is an example of what not to be -- yet I hear all these stories of people who are very motivated in life who grew up with parents that they looked up to. I could be that kid who is motivated through superheros and whatnot, but I've never read comics, didn't take a personal interest in movie celebrities, or anything else. I spent most of high school afraid of failing because my dad was going to punish me if I didn't. It wasn't until my junior and senior year when I actually liked school -- by that time, school was pretty much over. Of course, this is all while I was still feeling guilty about fucking my mom's life up and everything, feeling unwanted because I didn't deserve to live, and etc. I've been traumatized by shit that shouldn't have traumatized me like it has, but this is the way my life has led. And yet...there was still that black cloud of "anger" over my head.

  Oh yeah. I had anger issues. Had. Past-tense. I have anger, but my anger isn't an issue anymore. It used to. Yeah. I remember fighting with my dad from dusk till dawn, having my internet cord yanked out of the router, crying while having harmful thoughts, etc. One time, I over-dosed on sleep medication because I was so angry that I wanted my death to be an inconvenience to people. Do I do that shit anymore? No. With my dad, I have a lack of caring. I pick my battles, I'll confront people about them, but just because someone has a disagreement with me doesn't automatically send me into anger mode. It's not a sudden thing. My anger builds up just like any normal person, and there's a threshold just like any normal person. I've thrown a thing or two, dropped a thing or two, but I don't harm people. I don't even harm myself. Maybe financially considering I dropped a laptop on the floor while having an argument with my girlfriend. Yeah, anger tends to lead to irrationality. That's why they say that you shouldn't drive angry -- not just me...everybody.

  Just because I've had an anger issue, some people still think I still do. The reason why my dad believes that I don't care is because I choose not to respond or to have something to say back. When I do say something back, however, my dad might think that I have an anger issue. We'll have a disagreement and if it's something that I feel needs to be addressed, I'll express myself. If my dad is talking on the phone with a loud tone, I'll just talk louder so he can hear me...otherwise, I can't get the message across. He's the type of person who wants the last say in everything, and will walk away thinking that he's making you think. He thinks that he's always right, a mastermind, and everybody doesn't know what they're talking about. When someone confronts him, he'll just say that he's just asking questions, trying to "figure it all out" or something. It used to push my buttons, but not anymore? I just tone it out. I pick my battles. I'm not going to argue over drinking the last can of soda in the fridge -- if it's really that big of a deal, I'll go somewhere and by another one. I'm not going to argue about eating the last chicken thigh because everyone in my household is an adult. If I really wanted some food, I could cook myself something or go to a fast food place and get something to eat. I ain't going to argue about it though because I've done too much arguing over the years and I've just realized that it's just not worth it. My girlfriend and I have argued some big shit, though. I love my girlfriend, I would do anything for her, I would sacrifice my life for her. She has made me vulnerable. I care about her, and therefore I care about what she says. Sometimes the shit she does and says pisses me off, and we end up arguing. It's not an everyday thing, of course, but we'll have arguments that escalate out of nowhere from shit that's basically caused by miscommunication. I would never hurt her, I know there's a certain point where my anger needs to be toned down. I cause more damage to inanimate objects because I know that they're not going to fight back, they're not going to push me to get more angry. I don't pick fights with people -- in fact, I've never gotten punched in the face with full force. But with inanimate objects, I know that the only damage I'd be causing is to another inanimate object, and me financially. Even when I'm angry, there's a degree of rationality. Yet some people still believe I have an anger "issue."

  What is an anger issue? My anger is controlled. I don't just blow shit just because a car cuts in front of me -- mostly because I know how people drive and can predict it happening. I don't blow shit about someone going slower than me -- I may get irritated, but who isn't? Our lives are ticking. If I can travel 10 miles faster to get to a destination 10 miles quicker, I'm gonna do it. The only people who have time to drive under the speed limit are the people who are retired. I've looked this shit up, and I can not think of myself as someone with an anger issue. Of course I used to have an anger issue, but that was in the past. Just because I had it then doesn't mean I have it now. It's not a denial thing -- it just ain't true. I get angry sometimes, I get irritated, I get happy, etc. It's a biological emotion, and I'm not going to waste my time trying to defend myself when I had a logical response.

  I'm not even mad right now as I'm typing this entry -- I just don't like that my past is still with me. I don't want that past anymore. I want to be motivated, I want to be outgoing, I want to be energetic, etc. There's a lot of psychological things holding me back to my true potential, but referring to my anger as an "issue" is something that I don't like because it brings back the shit I don't want to remember. The past Brandon is gone. This is 2013 -- I'm almost 23 years old and going nowhere real fuckin' fast. I don't want someone to tell me that I have an anger issue. I just want someone to one day say "Brandon, I can understand why you're angry."

  I just want to be understood, that's all.

  • 3:07 am
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