June 23, 2012

• My body is not ready

  Just the other day, I was sitting at the gas station when a bloated Jaguar pulled up in the station in front of me -- a man around his 50's (probably) stepped out of his car and examined a small spot on his hood that had slight weather damage on it. While I pumped gas, I watched him clean that spot. From my point of view, I couldn't even tell there was a spot that needed cleaning -- the car looked nice, a luxurious car without a doubt, but I couldn't even tell it wasn't perfect. For a moment I wanted to laugh because of how obsessive people can get with material objects, but then I remembered my collection of model cars and even my own relationship with Kathleen. 

  I could argue that the man was being obsessive -- however, who am I to say what is obsessive and what isn't?

  I looked at our relationship, and I asked the question: at what point does someone's attitude toward a relationship become clingy? Is it the moment when someone has an emotional attachment to someone else, or is there a line drawn between "appreciative" and "clingy?"

  I didn't see an issue with the guy's Jaguar -- it seemed perfect to me and the fact that he would go out of his way to clean a small spot that wasn't even noticeable to me just seemed unnecessary. But what if it was bird poop? How many bird droppings would it have taken for me to agree with his actions on cleaning his car? If it was one and I owned a Jaguar, I'd probably just wait till it rained. If I can own a Jaguar, I'm not going to let a little bird dropping make me take time out of my profitable schedule to clean off a small spot on the car. But is what he did obsessive, though?

  In a way, my girlfriend is like my Jaguar. She's beautiful, and she helps me out in more ways than we really realize on a daily basis. I wouldn't have gotten to where I'm at in life without her -- to be honest, I probably would've done something very stupid by now, maybe even extremely stupid, if I had not met this wonderful woman. I'm not ashamed to say that I don't have much money. I have enough money to pay for my car insurance, but I never really save up. It's very difficult for me to save money because I don't make a lot. I make 7.35 an hour, I work almost 30 hours a week (sometimes more), and I can't save money. The reason isn't because I have an addiction to video games, buying clothes, buying weed, etc. The reason why I don't have money is I want to maintain that Jaguar, you know? If relationships are ticking time bombs, then I want to enjoy every second I have with this woman. I want to go out and do things: see movies, ride roller coasters, drive places, have dinner together, etc. Some people have regrets later on in life and say "oh, I should've spent more time with her" or "if only she was alive today." For the most part, we know what we have until it's gone.

  I believe that our relationship thrives because I recognize what I have. I know exactly what I have, and I know exactly how I would feel if I no longer had her. I have dreams of what would happen if I had cancer, a zombie apocalypse occurred, and other situations where people don't really want to think about because it makes them upset. No one wants to think about their significant other dying, getting cancer, etc. Many people believe that thinking about stuff like that is no way to have a healthy relationship -- after all, if people are more concerned about dying, they are less concerned about living. Not in my case, I don't think. Y' see...I embrace the possibility of things happening -- and sometimes it does get obsessive. I'm not going to live my life pretending that I'll die an old man, because I may not.

  On Thursday, a regular customer came in and he told me more about his wife dying at the age of 45 because of some condition that got worse and worse, and how he was 2 minutes away from the hospital when she died on the death bed. Didn't get to say his last words -- and I'm fairly certain that he's been single ever since. I would be emotionally devastated if that happened to me. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 8 years old -- neither of them have remarried yet. I don't think it's because they can't get re-married, but because they don't want to. For the regular customer, my mom, and my dad, I feel that it was an "all or nothing" deal. When you find someone you sincerely believe is the one person that was specifically made for you, you don't want to let go. An opportunity like that only happens once in a lifetime -- I'm not going to treat our relationship like it's anything less than a miracle. I may find someone who is more like me, but that doesn't mean they are more perfect for me. It would've been nice to find a woman who isn't into alcohol at all, but I used to be the person who laughed at my sister's pain when her make-up reacted with the sun and developed blisters -- I laughed because her cousin and her drank alcohol. I still gave them medicine, but I was an evil person. Being with Kathleen, someone who likes alcohol, has certainly been a challenge...but I believe that she was made for me because she's changed me in so many ways. She's made me a better person.

  She's that Jaguar for me. Though people may seem nothing but perfection, it's essential that I get all the bird droppings. I don't do things for us because I'm clingy -- I do things for us because I'm appreciative. The things that I think matter the most in life are the things that need the most attention. Someone's health is always a concern, but going to the doctor isn't going to show me how beautiful life can be. Brushing my teeth may help my teeth health, but it's not going to help me appreciate the fact that I'm alive. To people, a relationship is just a Jaguar -- until you're the one behind the wheel. Until you can walk outside your house and see it in the driveway, it's just a nice car. But if you feel the Jaguar would help you feel better about where your life is headed, it'll give you more meaning. Just because you appreciate something doesn't mean that you cling to it -- it might seem that way, but it's really a choice with words. I'm not going to wait till I get into a car crash with my Firebird to realize that I wrecked the car I used to be a passenger in with my mom. The very seat I drive in is the very seat my mom sat in several years ago when I was growing up. I love my car. No, I don't like it when it breaks down, of course, but it holds a lot of sentimental value to me. In the end, I'd sell my car. My girlfriend means more to me than anything else in the world -- I care more about her than my health, my car, my computer, or anything else. If someone claims that I'm clingy, then I'm proud to be. At least if something bad happens with our relationship, I can truly sit down and say that my life has been significantly better since I met her. I wouldn't have changed anything about her, I wouldn't have done anything differently, because I've done exactly what an appreciative boyfriend would do...everything in his power.

  My body has been acting really weird lately, and being 50% sure that I saw blood in my stool two days ago has opened up the curiositity of my health. The reason why I say only 50% is because I've had powerade these past several days and I've previously seen powerade in my stool. I'm not 100% certain on the lightness of the redness -- I want to say that it was a lighter red than blood, but another part of me wants to say that I should go to the doctor soon and have it checked out. I don't have health insurance, so that's kind of a problem. That day was pretty tough because I was working by myself and had a lot of time to think about my health. I haven't been to the doctor in over 3 years or so, so I'm not exactly sure what's going on. I took some laxatives last night, but apparently it didn't work. Either way, I'm feeling better because I thought I was constipated...and perhaps I was. I don't know. I plan on going to the doctor at some point for a check up.

  My girlfriend woke up early to go to work, and left me to sleep till noon. It was great. I had a looooong dream about my girlfriend and I during a Zombie apocalypse. At some point, it started getting scary and that's when I decided to get up. It was the best sleep that I got in a while. It was much needed too because I've been staying up late and waking up early in the morning to either:

  a) take Kathleen to school/work
  b) go to work
  c) do work around the house

  I finally filled out my FAFSA for next semester. I only have two classes. I haven't mentioned to my family which classes I'm taking and why, but ignorance is bliss. I fucked up my school schedule, and I'm going to go to my school to enroll in the tag program so I can go to a university to get whatever I degree I decide to get. I'm still having trouble deciding, but it's been a rough ride. I've made a lot of progress, and I'm heading in the right direction.

  On a side note, I've decided how I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Obviously I can't mention it, but it's definitely unique and something that she would enjoy. As far as when that's gonna happen? She knows that the sooner we move into an apartment and whatnot is when I decide to get married. It wouldn't make any sense to marry her and not live together. I wanna live with her before I marry her, and we're not gonna be able to find a place till she graduates in 2014. So hey...works either way, right? A lot can happen in two years. She knows what's going down with her life, but I don't know where I'll land in two years. I just hope that I'll be almost done with whatever I need to do.

  We'll see.

  PS. I changed my Xanga up a little bit. I was getting tired of the other font, so I changed it to some Century Gothic. Ohhhh yeeahhhhh.

   

  • 3:36 pm
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