My girlfriend and I have been feeling like shit lately -- nothing to do with our relationship, but because I started coming down with the flu on Friday before work. Last Friday, I left about an hour early because I was feeling weak and was coughing a good bit. Not surprisingly enough, Kathleen and I didn't do anything on Saturday because I just wanted to stay in and rest -- which I usually want to do the opposite. Staying in paid off a little bit because I was able to gather some energy for going tubing on Sunday. By Saturday night, I didn't feel weak as much but I was dealing with a cold and couldn't sleep very well.

Tubing was fun. We went to the Chattahoochee river and paid for a two hour tubing trip. We went with her friends Chrissie and her boyfriend, and I figured that her seeing her old friends again is just another reason to go. Originally, I really didn't want to go because I was exhausted and didn't feel like doing anything. Plus I found out that Kathleen had work at 5 and felt we were limited on time. What ended up happening was we went tubing, went to Zaxby's, went to the mall (bought my girlfriend some REALLY sexy panties that she's gonna try on when she feels better), and then went home. 

That's really about it. Sickness isn't fun.

Last weekend was pretty exhausting. On Fridays, I work in the morning since I'm not available in the afternoon. The mornings are usually the busiest because we gotta get everything ready -- food in the service cases, stock up the shelves, etc etc. It's not hard physical labor...it's just repetitive and quiet. There's not many people in my store that have a sense of humor, and I refuse to be that type of worker that does the job. The last guy that I liked to be around with in the morning was the produce manager -- however, he actually got demoted and moved to a different store. I do the best I can to entertain the people around me because I like interaction -- I can't just do a job without communicating because time goes by slow and the grocery store will drive you insane. I make about 7.35 an hour and with my quality customer service and work ethic, you'd think I'd be a salesman making double-digit numbers an hour. I mean...I understand why I don't. It just so happens that my grocery store only gives you about a 10 cent raise every six months -- I've only been working about a year or so, so I won't be making 8 dollars an hour for quite some time. I definitely have earned at least 8 dollars an hour, but I understand that I work at a job that's most comprised of associates who are working part-time in between school, and full-time employees who have other jobs as well. I've accepted my place right now. I know that working a grocery store is probably not going to land me an apartment, so I know that at some point...I'm going to need a different job. My grandmother (from my mom's side of the family) sent me a letter telling me about 19 an hour job that I have a decent chance of getting if I so desired. The problem is that I'd have to go all over the world doing physical labor like I'm building pyramids in Egypt. I know what going two months without my girlfriend feels like, and it is the ultimate depression I've ever experienced. At least when I was depressed about my life from 2003-2007ish and wanted to kill myself, I didn't have anyone that didn't give me that option. Having my girlfriend, I want to do the exact opposite. Being depressed, wanting to stick a gun in your mouth but yet having no option because you have a girlfriend that you'll see eventually is the worst thing. I lost weight...that's how psychologically fucked up I was. Going around the world, not being with my girlfriend, working every bone in my body is NOT something I want to look forward to. Sure, the money pays pretty good, but my girlfriend is worth more than 19 dollars an hour. I'd rather work at a place making 7.35 an hour knowing that I live just 40 minutes away from my soul-mate than work in a different state, maybe country, maybe continent, and be hundreds or thousands of miles away. I know that the worst case scenario right now is if...I miss my girlfriend so much, I've got car keys, I've got money for gas, and I know where she lives. If I'm upset somewhere else and don't have transportation, there's nothing for me to do besides work or sleep. I just can't settle with that. I'm an emotional guy. I need my girlfriend in my life because she makes life worth living. She is the very essence of why I'm alive today. It's sad...but it's true. I'm not going to leave her for money.

I believe that people from corporate are starting to see my dedication. Honestly, if people weren't lazy and actually did the store's surveys, I would be loaded with positive feedback. Today, a woman had this vibe that she didn't feel comfortable in her own body and I called her a "beautiful woman" because she's been trying to work out. I said "you're a beautiful woman and keep up the good work." I'm pretty good with people. I hate how a lot of stores that have salesman jobs require 3 years of experience. How the hell am I supposed to get salesman experience without being a salesman?! Doesn't make sense to me. However, tomorrow I'm going to a different store to work 7 hours. It's a bigger store, more busier, and I'm not sure if I'll be alone till a certain time or what. I know that people will expect me to have some answers, so I plan to spend a couple hours tomorrow researching questions that I think people would ask. How to cook steaks...how to cook certain fish...what's the difference between this and that...etc etc. And then after I get off at 10, I gotta wake up at 8 AM to go to work till 2. However, Friday is when I get to see my girlfriend again after a long week...for both of us (well...more for her because she's been working and studying for final exams).

Fuck, I hate final exams.

Last weekend was pretty productive. Last Friday after work, I found out my girlfriend had to move dorms. Thankfully, all she had to do was move downstairs so I just had to walk down a flight of stairs and drop stuff off. Not extremely heavy stuff, but heavy enough to the point that your muscles get exhausted by surprise after you finish. I promised my sister that I would help her move and felt pretty good about it too. I planned on leaving at about 6 in the morning, which I wasn't looking forward to, but thankfully my sister rescheduled till about 9:45 AM and I took a risk by driving during traffic hours. I was surprised there wasn't any traffic so I made it in pretty good time. Along the way, I drove past my old middle school, East Paulding Middle school, and I couldn't even recognize anything anymore. I wanted to drive to my old house but I didn't even remember the way. A lot of things have changed since I was kicked out of the house. For the first time in a very long time, I missed it.

I got a pretty sweet deal out of helping, though. I got 30 bucks for gas, and my sister gave me some middle school and elementary school yearbooks. When I got back, I showed my girlfriend my yearbook and nostalgia'd all over the table. Looking at all the people that used to be my friends, I forgot a whole bunch of shit about my past. Plus, I got a brand new lamp and used printer. The printer doesn't have any cords, but I'm sure I could sell it for a quick buck. I thought I could use it, but the online reviews were terrible. I felt like I was someone on Pawn Stars. It really made me want to visit a large garage sale somewhere.

But I've realized lately that I actually want to have a career doing some kind of security thing. I wanted to build cars, still do, but I was never fixed on something as a career. I really do feel that having a career dealing with computer security or home security would really be something that I'm interested in doing. It kind of struck me during a conversation with my girlfriend, and it made me think about the obvious clues that I didn't really think about. I love spy gadgets, privacy, etc. For some reason, I was clouded and I feel that I should focus on majors that have to do with computers and security. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I can definitely see myself graduating with something 3 or so years from now. I know that I've wasted a lot of time and I know my girlfriend is going to be upset about how long it's gonna take me to get a good career, but I think it'll be worth it when my girlfriend and I do apartment shopping. I'm really looking forward to the future, which is not something that I usually say because I haven't always felt confident about myself and where I'm going in life. But you know what? Maybe there's hope.

I've never really considered myself a religious person. I've always believed in God, but inconsistently -- I've doubted His existence on a couple of occasions, but I've never down-right said "God exists" or "God doesn't exist." The reason why I've never made such a conclusion is because of my lack of evidence to support that belief. If I said that "God exists," without a doubt, then people would ask "why?" I can't just say "because He just does." Typically, that doesn't sit well with people. Even if I had some kind of spiritual experience, there's still people who would doubt that God exists because there's explanations. Kathleen and I have watched a couple shows that have dealt with spiritual things and people analyzing those experiences to see if it's real or fake. Even still, they don't conclude that "it's a ghost" or "it's bigfoot" because there's still room for interpretation. There's never any clear-cut answer. If someone asks an Atheist why they don't believe in God, they might bring up the fact that there's no hard evidence to suggest that God exists. Some Atheists are under the impression that there's a competition between Religion and Science -- that for every science discovery, religion loses points. Not surprising, a lot of the people who believe that religion and science is in competition with each other are often hypocrites -- they preach about Christians being close-minded while, in turn, they attack other Christians by questioning their beliefs. Some Atheists might say that they are genuinely trying to figure out how someone can bring themselves to believe in something so extreme. We all know the answer to the question because Atheists have been asking the same questions for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years. There is *probably* not going to be someone, A Christian for example, that can provide hard evidence to support their belief that a Christian God exists. Yet when a Christian mentions faith/belief in something without having any credible evidence and only a book to quote, an Atheist might continue the "questions" until someone gets upset. An Atheist might call a Christian "ignorant" for not having an answer and/or the denial of the possibility of God not existing, while a Christian might call an Atheist an "asshole" because...well...why the hell does it matter?  If there was any hard evidence to support the existence of God, it probably would've been mentioned by now in the news.

If an Atheist is going to question a religious person already knowing the answer to the question, I believe that those Atheists are bad representations of an Atheist. A true Atheist will not believe in the existence of God and nothing more. They will not have the objective to try and prove people wrong, try to claim that they're more intelligent simply because they support science more than they support a religion, or anything to represent superiority over an idea or concept. They'll let Christians believe whatever they want, stand up when an individual questions their beliefs, but does not force his/her opinion down a religious person's throat. I'd expect the same treatment from the Christian who judges people based on certain attributes, and forcing their beliefs down someone else's throats. The arguments are almost completely pointless because nothing gets accomplished. Who said that God didn't create science? What if we are to find out how the Earth was created, but it was set in motion by God? Who created God? We could ask so many questions that are often repetitively asked during debates, but it all boils down to...we will probably never know the truth. And that's why I consider myself an Agnostic Theist because I believe that it's the most realistic approach. I believe in God, but I have no way of knowing whether He actually exists or not. I can't provide any proof, any evidence to support my belief -- I simply believe in God because I know that life is very complex when we get down to specifics, and I just feel that there is some sort of supernatural power out there. Do I not support science just because I believe in God? Of course not. I'm interested in science discoveries. I'm open-minded to the possibility of there not being a God, but I will never know the truth. I can only go by what I believe, and that's why I don't consider myself religious, nor do I consider myself an Atheist. To think that there's a competition between science and religion is ignorant because both are treated differently. Stop the nonsense on BOTH SIDES because we all die. What happens after death is something that we may only know when we die. We'll never know the truth about whether there is a God or not because we can prove many things in life but we can't disprove the existence of God. Believe what you wanna believe, and fuck what other people think.

I'm really excited about going on vacation. After the things I've been through these past several months, I really need to settle down and enjoy company with Kathleen. I've got a lot on my plate psychologically that's been really tearing me down. Getting paid while I'm spending time with Kathleen and enjoying the moment is exactly what I need. I really regret how my life has turned out, and the only really time where I do not think about anything else is when I'm in the ocean. I love to boogey-board because it's never boring and keeps your mind pre-occupied.

I'm finally going to be able to walk on the beach holding a woman's hand. I want to collect seashells, talk about everything together...what kind of dog we'll have, what kind of cat, what our lives will be like, how happy things will be...how happy we are now. We're talking about nothing but romance. Kathleen and I express ourselves differently, which has been a problem once or twice, so she'll have a lot to take in during Florida.

Things have been all right, so far. I really need to apply for different universities, and I really need to start deciding on what I want to do for the rest of my life. Not an easy decision...but I'd like to think I've been making progress this past several months.

I'm also planning on going on a diet sometime, but I'm not going to rush into it until I know I'm ready. I'm planning on cutting my soda intake, and cutting my calorie intake as well. Eating small portions and drinking less soda can help me lose like...10 or so pounds off the bat. As far as exercise goes, I'm trying to figure out household items that I can use as work out equipment. Right now, I'm in the planning stage of everything. I realize that I need to lose weight because I've certainly lost muscle and gained fat this past year considering my girlfriend and I have been going out to dinner a lot. Plus, I never really have time to exercise because I'm not willing to wake up early on a work day, and I'm not willing to spend time away from my girlfriend during the weekends to work out. Don't worry though...all of that is about to change, but I'm in no rush. I hope that universal healthcare turns out to be a success because I'm willing to pay a little bit of taxes to provide everyone with universal healthcare. I haven't been able to go to the doctor since I was 18 because...healthcare is expensive and I don't have a good job. Kathleen doesn't either, and we both recognize that the economy is bad because Kathleen can't get a job. I hope things will get better for us because I would love to live in an apartment with my girlfriend to start our own lives together. I'm 22 years old and now that I've been living back and forth with Kathleen, life is wonderful when you get to fall asleep next to the most beautiful woman in the world...

That's all I have for now. Just wanted to say a couple things...

When my girlfriend got her operation, she was instructed by the doctor to not drink any alcohol -- this felt like a victory for me because I didn't like the fact that she was a social drinker. I knew that it was going to bring a lot of relationship complications if she were to bring alcohol into my life, and I kind of hoped that she'd lose incentive to drink alcohol when she's fully recover. It didn't happen, and that's one of the main reasons why her turning 21 in the Bahamas was a big deal to me. Everything built up to that moment, and I just had that feeling like she'd bring me bad news. Of course, being highly against alcohol and finding out that my girlfriend couldn't remember everything about that night...didn't really help anything. To this very day, I don't even know if something happened. Hell, she doesn't know either. The only thing she told me was what other people told her that she got wasted and they ended up dragging her back to the room. I have no choice but to believe her, right?  I trust her. But the fact that she can't remember everything scared the shit out of me and confirmed why I get upset in the first place. I believe that regardless of whether people consider themselves social drinkers or not, at one point...they'll get carried away by getting caught up in the moment...take a few sips too many or mix something together that is stronger than they think it is, and end up having those "I don't know what I did last night" experiences. I trust my girlfriend 100%, but I don't trust alcohol. I don't think she saw the clear distinction when we argued. When you drink alcohol, especially too much, your judgment gets clouded. How much? It varies, of course. However, at some point...you run the possibility of something happening. Being in a room with a bunch of other drunk people that you hardly know, you can't eliminate the possibility of something bad happening. It doesn't take much for a guy to pursue a woman. The question is how far is a woman going to go before she realizes that the guy is trying to have sex with her? Is it with everybody else in the same room, or is it away from the crowd...in another room on the bed when you're just trying to "talk." I know my girlfriend is smart enough to know the difference between pursuit and friendship, but I've never had alcohol...I don't know how bad it fucks you up. I know that drinking while driving is bad, I know that people have died from doing something stupid while drunk, so I didn't completely trust alcohol...and I never will. I have no reason to trust alcohol. Alcohol holds no prejudice against people -- at some point, drinking will impair your judgment, and at that point...I wouldn't care if you were the Pope or 40 year old virgin woman. The risk, to me, is unnecessary. Why would I get drunk to the point that I don't even remember what I did? Just for "fun?" For all I know, two months down the line...I could be slammed with a DNA test to a baby I didn't even know was mine and would be like...wtf is this? When did I get a woman pregnant? Of course I would deny anything to do with the baby because I would feel wrongfully accused of getting a woman pregnant, but then I'd remember "that one night" where I forgot what happened.

That's not something I'd ever want to be put into. I never want to wake up and not know what the hell I did.

And apparently, neither did she. She told me that she regrets mixing the alcohol because she didn't realize how bad it affected her body. Before she realized it, she was already intoxicated enough to the point that she wouldn't remember the stuff by the time she woke up. Which is good for us because we were at an agreement. If mixing alcohol causes shit like that to happen, then you don't want to mix alcohol anymore. I think my girlfriend was scared to a certain extent, and maybe she won't do it again. She also says that she never wanted to get that drunk with those people because she didn't trust them enough. If she was with her real friends, the people that she trusts with anything, then she'd feel comfortable getting to that point...and my girlfriend also says that I have every right to be angry if she does get drunk in public and/or around people she doesn't trust. Of course, there's many variables that come into play on what is and isn't reasonable to be upset with, but we've found something that I can agree on that alcohol is very dangerous and needs to be done responsibility. If my girlfriend claims to be a social drinker, not an alcoholic, then she would never drink beyond what she deems appropriate. I'm sure if she felt buzzed or intoxicated enough to know that she's drank enough, she would stop for her safety. And if she didn't...she know she'd be putting herself at risk, and therefore it would be reasonable to be upset. Ultimately, I wish that she stopped drinking alcohol...but, it's not my decision to make. But if we can agree on SOMETHING, we can come to an understanding. I think that she's starting to understand my point of view, and we're taking the issue to the appropriate level. I know a compromise won't be reached, but I know that my girlfriend makes decisions based on her safety. It's a start, right? I can't guarantee that we won't have another argument, but at least we're moving in the right direction (I think at least).

I just thought it was important to note in my Xanga for later.

In other news, I bought another model car. It's an old school mustang that I went to Michaels for. It came pre-painted, but I built it. I was in the building mood one day and figured I'd by a 1:24 scale Mustang for 14 bucks. That makes like...25 or so model cars to my collection. I'm starting to run out of room...

My girlfriend made pancakes. They were delicious. She also didn't want to go to school or work today, so I get to spend all day with her on my off day. I work on the 4th of July, so at least I'll get a little bit of fun this week.

Last night, I got home around 3 AM because I offered to be a designated driver for "girl's night out." My girlfriend and her friends went to Applebee's and I waited in the parking lot for a little while before I got hungry -- unfortunately, it was 11 by the time I realized I only ate once that day, and the nearest Publix and fast food restaurants were closed. I didn't want to go into Applebee's because it would've been awkward, but I wanted a cherry coke and a quick order of fries to satisfy. I walked in and immediately noticed my girlfriend and her friends from across the room and tried my best to be secret. Apparently I was seen because as my waitress sat me down near a table across the room from them, I saw Kathleen come from the distance and wanted me to sit with them. Her other friends said it was all right, but I honestly just wanted to be alone with just me and my thoughts. My waitress had that look in her eyes and tone in her voice that asked "are you okay?" It was that awkward tone. I don't really blame her because when I walked into Applebee's, she asked "hi, how are you doing?" I didn't answer because I was looking at my girlfriend trying to have a good time when just a little while ago...her and I were balling our eyes out. Again. The waitress came into focus and then she asked again, only this time I actually responded with "I'm good. Just one."

She asked me where I would like to sit, and I pointed to across the room. I had two choices: sit near the girls, or sit across from the girls. I didn't even want to look at them. I didn't even want to be alive. For the first time in a while, I felt alone. I sat down at the table and I felt like it was my last meal alive. What is a guy like me doing with a beautiful woman like that? I don't even deserve her. I'm someone that should stay away from society. Maybe signing up for that dating service was a bad choice -- being single was simple and I didn't have to worry about all the shit that I worry about now. Since I'm not single and with the woman that I believe is the woman of my dreams, there's an unlimited amount of things that I worry about that about drives me over the edge. I feel like I'm headed for disaster.

After Applebee's, I dropped the girls off at the Coronet club. If you don't know what kind of club that is...it's a strip club for women. Looking at the entrance while I was sitting in the car on the other side of the street reminded me of how much I dislike strip clubs. Grotesque places. Wasting money on naked men/women while drinking over-priced alcohol, and women claim that it's fun. The more I thought about everything in the car, the more I just wanted to give up. I was tired, the temperature was still hot enough to where I almost broke a sweat with the windows rolled down, and I couldn't help feeling like everything that is going on right now...my girlfriend receiving a private lap dance, going to the club, drinking alcohol, is because I've failed to be a boyfriend. Of course I could feel that way considering we previously spent 30 minutes or so before driving to Applebee's arguing back and forth, exchanging punches through words, breaking each other down until I was convinced that she didn't want anything to do with me. I seriously was about to break up with her -- she believes that it's because I was bored of her, or something along those lines, but the reason why I wanted to break up with her was because I have the feeling that she isn't satisfied. The last place that you will ever see me at is a strip club, drinking alcohol, or anything along those lines that might even HINT your dissatisfaction...either with your partner, or yourself. I don't wanna deal with that shit anymore. I've been really upset about how things have been turning out lately, and I'm not sure if marriage is really all that realistic...at least successful marriage. We'll get married, if we stay together that long, but do we see each other together for the rest of our lives? I certainly do. I don't want anybody else because I feel like I've found the best woman for me. Does she feel the same way after last night? Honestly...I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes, you really can't tell what a woman is thinking. Right now, I just feel like crawling up into a corner and holding myself. I just want someone to tell me that I've been doing the right things and they understand how I feel, but right now...I feel like I'm a monster to society.

I wish that I could be like everyone else. I wish I could be the "man" that my girlfriend wants in a guy, but I feel that I'm a large disappointment and it's all just a ticking time bomb. I don't know what to do anymore. It reminds me of a blues song "I'm a prisoner, captured in your eyes. I've been taken...I've been hypnotized." At this point, there's nothing I can do. I'm fucked, and I guess I'm okay with it.

Don't mind me...I've just been upset. Life sure is beautiful sometimes, isn't it?