Lemme tell you a little somethin' somethin' about the eSchedule at Kroger -- right now, my manager has the schedule to schedule our work times randomly. Although it seems like a good idea, it doesn't account for the fact that the meat department opens at 7 AM and closes at 10 PM. Today, I wasn't even supposed to be working because I wasn't scheduled to work on Friday (which was a new experience since I usually work Monday-Friday). However, I noticed that one of my co-workers was scheduled to open up the department at 9 AM, and I knew that it wasn't going to sit well with management. So, of course, naturally I offered to get here at the usual time of 7 AM and work till 1 PM (considering I had an appointment at the post office to request a US passport around 2:30 PM). Management approved my offer last night, before I got off from work, and I worked today. I expected to be opening up by myself so I specifically set everything to be easy for me to open up the department. When I walked in at 7:03 AM, my boss was taking all of the out-of-date products and putting them in carts. I was startled, of course, but something seemed kind of off. He wasn't very enthusiastic to see me. He told me that he wanted me to work Friday morning, which I accepted, but I've had those expressions when managers have wanted to say something to me but waited until the right time to say them. As it turns out, my suspicions were correct.

I didn't want to work yesterday, but I didn't have much of a choice. At 3 PM yesterday, my co-workers left for the day and I was left by myself -- without me working the department, no one would be working at the meat department. Management wouldn't allow that. So I didn't overly-exert myself. I "chilled," mostly because one of my co-workers said that everything was done and I didn't have to do a whole lot. The way the department works...well, used to, was that you had certain things to do during the day and whatever you didn't finish, you left for the guy during the night. My manager doesn't like that idea and insists on constantly keeping busy, which is fine. Sometimes I'm willing to constantly keep busy, but when I'm really not feeling well, I don't really want to do a whole lot. I retaliated, naturally, because most of the things I've failed to do was the result of the failure of the morning shift. In the end, I accepted responsibility because we are...after all...a team, so I can't really say that it's my fault or anyone else's. When it comes to mistakes, when one person makes a mistake...we all suffer. I already had a bad start to the day because someone was already giving me shit about something, and I was pissed off to the point that I worked my ass off. I was throwing fish around like it was nobody's business, throwing empty boxes into the trash can, packaging seafood up like a champ, and just thinking...well ain't this just fuckin' great. I had over 700 dollars in my bank account, more than half is going to my car insurance, another 150 dollars is going to my US passport, and I always spend a lot of money during the weekends. Last Wednesday,  I took my girlfriend out on a date to Carraba's (a decently nice Italian restaurant), and wore a dress shirt and pants. She likes a man in a suit, so that's the reason why I wore it -- otherwise, I would've wore jeans and a t-shirt while paying 65 dollars for a meal. In the end, I didn't think the date was NEAR as romantic as I had hoped, but I really wanted to treat my girlfriend. And I did, so I'm pretty satisfied in my decision and sacrifice.

I kind of just forget about my boss and think about future plans. I really was excited about getting my US passport because I'm really excited about going to Brazil. I've always wanted to go outside of the country, and I really want to see her mom. I really want to be a part of the family, because I know...soon enough, they'll have no choice but to accept me. I know that deep down inside, my girlfriend wouldn't give me up if her family told her too. I'm not worried about it, and I should be considering the fact that I can't speak Portuguese. For some reason, I believe that Kathleen and I give off this good vibe to people. You see some couples laugh together, but you don't see a couple and say "they look good for each other" all the time. Maybe once in every blue moon, but not every "happy" couple seems like they "fit" together, and I have this feeling that her mom will know that I was made for Kathleen, and that I won't fail as a husband. I believe, in every fiber of my being, that Kathleen was made specifically for me. Based on what Kathleen has told me about conversations with her mom about me, I think I've got this in the bag. My family loves Kathleen, and now it's my time for her family to love me. Even if they don't understand me. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'm sure a smile from my girlfriend will say enough. I ain't worried a bit.

Around 12:45, one of my co-workers wanted me to pick up the supplies for the meat department -- I had some time left, didn't realize how fast time would go, but I was lead into a trap when she told me to empty all the cardboard from the bailer. I had to go at 1:00 PM considering I was supposed to get off at 1 PM, but I got off at 1:10. I had to stop by Quicktrip to get gas, and it took at least 35 minutes to get there. I had to fill out an application and print it out on my girlfriend's printer because I didn't have printer ink back at the house. In order to use the printer, I had to drop by my girlfriend's job, get the keys, and drive to the dorm. I got to her job around 1:55 PM, filled out the application and left around 2:20 PM. My appointment was at 2:30 PM, and I got there 5 minutes before. As it turns out, I printed the application incorrectly and had to re-do the application. Twice after I had an argument with a post office employee, ex drill sergeant in the military, based on what was required to complete the application. I was pretty pissed off at the guy because I was about to pay 155 dollars, and I was unaware that he wasn't having an attitude problem...that's just how he was supposed to be in the military. I just thought he was an asshole without knowing his background, but then once he mentioned about it in casual conversation while he was taking my picture for the passport, I stopped being upset. It was funny because once he mentioned he was a drill sergeant in the military for X amount of years, I said "oh...no wonder." Even still, I was pissed. My car has been acting strange lately...drives fine and all, but it just doesn't start-up that great all the time. Sometimes my car will start at 2,000 RPMS and gracefully go down to the normal idle speed...other times, it'll quickly descend the a dangerous 500 RPMS. I haven't stalled out though, but I've been in the situation where it started out a small issue and ended up developing into something better. So I wasn't too happy about coming to the realization that my car just may start having problems again because I've been saving up too much money. I don't know.

After all that, my girlfriend was waiting for me to drive with her to put oil in her car along with taking it to emissions. What ended up happening was that her engine started smoking. When we realized that, my girlfriend started freaking out and crying, and we were heading to an shop that does oil changes anyways. The mechanics suggest that the engine wasn't properly cleaned, so oil residue was left on the engine and causes smoke when the engine gets hot. We also found out that her friend put too much oil in the car.

I don't want to get all into it, but the car that my girlfriend purchased off a friend has given her nothing but hell. It's illegal to sell a car without a passing emissions, so the friend has been helping fix the car up. I want to say that I'm not very surprised that the mechanics have done low quality service on the vehicle, but saying stuff like that really upsets my girlfriend. Even still, it's been nothing but a stressful day. To end the day, I couldn't be at Kathleen's place because she was having girl's night at the dorm. I sure as hell didn't want to turn around at 7:00, drive home and then come back the next day. So you know what I did?

I bought reservations at Day's Inn for 30 something dollars, which is why I'm typing up such a long entry. I have nothing else better to do. Having a hotel room to yourself isn't actually that bad -- it's very quiet and relaxing. Would I rather be with my girlfriend? Well, yeah. It's kind of the reason why I'm over here. But after that long day being pissed off at the world, I think taking some time off and enjoying my new laptop is good too.

That's all I have right now. Haven't decided when I'm going to sleep. All I know is that I got 6 cans of Coke left in the mini-fridge, and I don't anticipate on waking up early for the mediocre breakfast at Day's Inn.

My girlfriend bought a car yesterday -- we've been looking at a Honda Accord for a short while that has...a fair amount of miles on it for the price. It has a few bumps and scratches but we just care that the engine is good and will last her a good while. The thing about the car is that she bought the car off one of her friends who has a side business of buying auctioned cars, fixing them up, and selling them for profit. To me, all of that seems sketchy because you never really know the condition of an auctioned vehicle, and some indications of future break downs are hard to tell. I just don't want her forking out money to fix the vehicle down the road and all hell breaks loose.

That happened to my car -- it all seemed like a simple leak in the radiator, and my car has broke down many times these past two years. A Honda Accord doesn't usually just stall out. She bought the car rather quickly, but I understand her position and don't really blame her for it. She was really excited to tell me, and I haven't heard that excited on the phone in a while, so it made me smile. The important thing is that she's happy, and I'm happy as well. I won't have to worry so much about having us stranded because my car failed to cooperate, we'll start spending money on gas together, and I'll feel a lot more comfortable with her driving. I plan on selling my car soon as well because it would be nice to get a Honda Accord for 2,600 dollars with 130,000 miles. I'm certain I can sell my car for at LEAST 3,000 on craigslist or something because I almost did it before. I really need something more reliable, but I plan on borrowing some money later to buy a car and THEN sell the Firebird so I'll always have transportation.

That's all in the future, though. Way down there.

Things are looking up for the both of us. I got an appointment...I think...next week to get my US passport. Then, I'll be getting my Brazil visa to travel to Brazil in May. I know I haven't mentioned this yet because I didn't want to run the risk of my work finding out just yet because I plan on being gone for a whole month. I've never been out of the country before, and I haven't met her mom yet...and it's something that I gotta do before her and I get married. What better opportunity than now, you know? Despite the fact that my whole life seems like a vacation to most people, I need one. We went to Florida recently, but it was not like I anticipated. I also need a better job because I'm really starting to dislike working at Kroger. The store manager is an absolute bitch and really starting to piss me off. Of course, I don't want to run the risk of getting fired so I don't let her get to me. I almost did yesterday, and it's all making me realize that...it doesn't matter what I do. I had to listen to the fire alarm for about 5-7 minutes because the fire alarm in the meat department has been broken for a while and my co-worker accidentally bumped into it (without even knowing). The sound was so loud, I could feel the vibrations on my ears. It's made me realize that the safety of the employees is less important than the safety of customers and trying to make a profit. I can't say that I don't blame them, and I've always known that I don't really matter...but I really do try hard, and it seems that it's not worth it. 10 cent raises every 6 months doesn't add up. I'm not willing to work several years before I can make 8 bucks an hour. Worst case scenario is that I'd have to find a new job, which may prove to be difficult...but I really want to visit another country. Most importantly, I want to meet my girlfriend's family, spend time with them, play soccer, look at the stars, etc. It's going to be a really amazing time while my girlfriend, and I'm really looking forward to it. I also won't let anything stand in my way.

In other news, I got a wart on my stomach that I've had for...maybe my whole life. I got some Dr. Scholls wart remover, and I've been applying this liquid for a couple days. A piece of outer layer skin fell off, exposing a deeper layer of skin...and it rubs up against my shirt causing pain. I know it's not exactly a fun description, but it hurts.

I got off work at 1 yesterday, cut the grass, and did nothing else. I enjoyed the relaxation. Today I work from 3 to 8 PM, but I gotta go to school at 1. I'm gonna wake up early and study, because I have a feeling we're going to have a quiz in Spanish class and my quiz average pretty much sucks dick right now.

Hmm...a while back, we went to the zoo. Her and I met up with my sister and her boyfriend, and afterwards we had pizza at this local place. Little Five Points is what the area is called...very popular in Georgia, and it was not like I expected. I didn't like the area too much.

That's about it right now.

Didn't do shit except worked and went to school. I think Kathleen and I are going to work out this weekend. Probably go for a walk around the lake or something, have sex, etc.

I slept in till about 11:30 AM today -- it seems like a big deal, but I went to bed around 2 AM or so. I more or less got the recommended amount of hours of sleep -- it just reassured me that I'm not sleep deprived. I set my alarm for 2 PM just in case so I wouldn't be late going to work, but I knew that I was going to wake up before then. If I plan on making any changes in my life, I gotta get some good beauty sleep -- stress plays a big toll on health, and it's important to be well-rested before tackling difficult tasks. Before I went to sleep last night, I wasn't anticipating me to do much. I kinda wanted to do some sit-ups and whatnot, work-outs that focus on the lower body, but I wasn't stressing too much. The only thing I did today was work on some Spanish homework, and I went to work. I got a lot of homework due tomorrow, including a quiz to take online, so I figured that I'd knock out most of the homework so I won't have so much to do. Today, I get off at 10 PM and will only have till 11:59 PM to complete everything. I didn't do any exercising, but I definitely feel sore in my legs -- not terribly sore from running yesterday but enough to slow me down during work.

While we're on the subject of work, I got really pissed off. As you know, I work in the meat department and it's important that we actually have meat on the shelves. The problem is that we've been transitioning managers, and I don't think they've been ordering enough products at the right intervals. For the whole day, the hamburger meat section was almost empty because there wasn't any hamburger meat in the cooler to put on the shelf. You can't really mix different kinds of meats together since it's part of the policy, so I pretty much had to leave it lookin' terrible. There's supposed to be two people opening up in the mornings, but one person had to attend a meeting and left the other guy opening up the department himself -- as a result, he didn't get very many things accomplished and I walked into a world of hell. I had to pick up the slack by busting my ass all day. By the end of the night, more product came in from delivery trucks, but there's only two different kinds of hamburger meat left. I close from 3-10 again, so I feel like it's gonna be another world of hell. On the other hand, tomorrow I'll be seeing my girlfriend for the weekend, and I plan on having a really romantic one. I'm not exactly sure what we're going to do, but I'll think of something today at work.

I plan on waking up a little bit early and getting to class about 15-20 minutes early so I can study a little bit in case there's a quiz or test that I don't know about. I'm glad I'm only taking one class this semester, because I'm really starting to get impatient and losing my focus.

My girlfriend is looking into graduate programs around the US, and it's starting to make me nervous. At the end of the day, I know that I'll follow her wherever she wants to go. I don't care what I have to do in order to stay with her. However, I sure as hell hope it all works out in the end...

Today, I didn't get near as much done as I expected. I expected to set up an appointment or call my mechanic at least but it didn't work out. I tried to fill out some forms and take a picture for my US passport to make the process go easier, but I don't have any color ink. I decided that I might as well wait till I get to my girlfriend's dorm, use her color ink, and go to hear post office to schedule an appointment.

At least I tried...a little bit.

I went for a run -- I ran further than I expected, but I was tired as shit. I recently found out that my neighborhood is almost a mile around, 0.8 miles according to Google maps, and I figured that I'd just count it as a mile since there's a big ass hill. According to that, I ran about 3/4 of a mile which is pretty amazing considering I haven't ran or did ANY physical exercise within the past year or so. I also lifted my lawn-mower a couple times and flipped a 100+ pound concrete staircase piece for about 10 minutes. I'm feeling pretty good, actually. It's very comforting to know that I'm doing something healthy for my body, and I won't be losing much more of my muscle as quickly since I'll be doing more upper-body work outs and what not. I'm not going to weigh myself or anything like that because I've always been a bulky kind of dude. 185...215...makes no difference to me.

My diet is pretty much going to stay the same right now because I don't want to jump into everything at once. Take it slow, you know? No point in rushing because I won't see immediate results in a while anyways.

I get to sleep in today, and I don't plan on being productive. I got work at 3, and I'm gonna wake up whenever the hell I feel like. Hell, I might not even set my alarm clock.

I'm feeling pretty good.

I feel like going on a 30-day Productivity program -- it's where I'm going to spend 30 days doing productive things. I'll list goals, mostly small, to accomplish on a daily basis. For instance, tomorrow I plan on going to the post office and setting up an appointment for a US passport -- that's the first goal. Secondly, I plan on calling my mechanic to see if he can check out a car that my girlfriend wants to get -- that's goal number two. I have so many things to accomplish, and I figured that now is a good time to take baby steps. I know I won't accomplish everything, but I need to try something new. Most importantly, I just need to try SOMETHING. I could add SO MUCH MORE stuff, about the videos I've watched on Ted.com , etc...but basically...

I walked 2 miles today and did 25 push-ups. Tomorrow, I'll be doing sit-ups before I go to the post office. I only have school tomorrow, so I'll be able to do other things as well.

Today I also started the 30-day program.

For a long period of time, before I met Kathleen, I thought that life was a complete fucking joke. Sometimes I still feel that way, actually. I've concluded that the reason why I've slacked off is not only because I was depressed, but because I've failed to take life seriously. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism. When you're born, your parents prepare you for school to learn. In elementary school, they prepare you to learn in middle school. In middle school, they prepare you to learn in high school. In high school, they prepare you for college. In college, they prepare you for a career. During your career, they prepare you for death. Once you get old enough to retire, the rest of your life is going through the phase of accepting your inevitable death.

That's not even the best part -- the best part is when people tell you that you never work a day in your life if you do what you love. The best part is when school counselors tell you that getting a college degree is essential to your life, one of the most important things you'll ever achieve, because it opens up opportunity for a "better" future. We're shielded from the truth that, at the end of the day...we all die. We're shielded from the truth that...it's all still work whether we enjoy it or not. When we take time out of our schedules to do something obtaining money, we're working. If we didn't have to work, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to clean, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to wash dishes, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to work out, we wouldn't. Everything we do takes input, and that input is determined by how much work you put into it. Even if I had the most amazing job in the world, I'd still have to work. For a long time, civilizations needed a form of currency in order to afford goods and services, and the only way to make money is by working -- doing something to obtain that currency. It could be dealing drugs, selling lemonade, mowing lawns, law enforcement, protecting your country, driving a celebrity around town, or anything else. People frown on homeless people because they think that they've all given up on life and resorted to drugs and alcohol -- sometimes, in reality, people are just unfortunate.

Sometimes I think the whole world is a joke. How can I take it seriously? I'm going to die. There's no getting around it, and I've failed to see the importance of life. It's all preparation. Before the ages of 3 is the most innocent moments of our life, and our brains won't even allow us to remember them. By the time you retire, you're enjoying the rest of life using the money you've saved up from working your whole life -- by that time, some of your friends are dead, some family members are dead, and you're ultimately trying to find stuff to keep you busy and active until you croak. Maybe you'll go work for Wal-Mart part time for the benefits, or work at Kroger because you realize that you need a family more now than ever before and they're all probably too busy to relax because they're spending too much time preparing for shit. You don't have time to relax anymore because the economy has gone to shit, you've got bills to pay, and you're dedicating a lot of your available time to studies under the assumption that you're going to get a good job by the time you graduate. Of course, there's never a guarantee. The only guarantee in life is that you're going to die. You might take your multi-vitamins every morning for breakfast, but life can always find away to put your life at jeopardy. People who are healthy can die at any age, just like people who are un-healthy can die at any age -- it's all an average. The more healthy you are, the longer you live...on average. Sometimes people die before they're able to accomplish anything in their life, and sometimes people die when they've been so miserable at an older age that they make themselves croak. We're ruining our civilization, we're going to make newer generations suffer from the mistakes that we make, we corrupt everything we touch, and we do all those things while preparing to do something. Life is all preparation. It's the path of life: you learn, you work, you die. It's just that simple.

Hell fucking yeah that was and is my philosophy on life. My girlfriend is helping me see differently, and I've been having some major conflicts since we've been dating. I've still got a far way to go, but I'm not going to forget the fact that I thought (and sometimes still do) that life was all a joke and there's no point in trying. Cut out the work, and you're left with learning things and then dying.  That seemed simple enough for me -- I didn't have a problem with it. I didn't give a shit about my world, and it made everything in life simple. I had goals, I knew how to accomplish those goals, and that was going to be my life: learn what you can, and then wait for death. The only problem is that I couldn't wait much longer because I was sick of it all. I hated life and everything in it. I saw nothing but the ugliness in the world, and tried to cope by playing video games or spending time with friends. My friends would always tell me that I'm always laughing and smiling.

How can I not smile and laugh? Russell Crowe said it best in Gladiator: "Death smiles at us all. All we can do is smile back." Life is a joke -- I didn't feel any pressure to better my life or anything like that because I was just along for the ride. Who the fuck cares? Enjoy every waking minute sober because I didn't plan for my life to last much longer. I live life in the present, but I think even Gandhi would disapprove of my lifestyle. I'm not perfect, and there's things that I need to change if I expect to have a bright future, but I'm going to be honest with you...

It's fucking difficult as hell to change everything at once. Let me assure you, there's not a day where I don't struggle with thoughts of my future. It's to the point where I'm afraid of what's going to happen with my life. Kathleen brings me joy in life, and I'm failing to realize that I'd be more happy if I prepared for my future. Of course, I'm not your average joe -- I'm a different species. I'm a reject of a human. I'm the kind of human being God would throw away. I'm the human that even Mary would abort if she were pregnant with me.

I need help. I'm going fucking nuts. I want to be everything for my girlfriend, but she came at a point in my life where...let's face it...it seemed that I just didn't give a shit. And I didn't. I see that now, and I'm suffering greatly for it. Thanks Brandon for being the way you are...you're an amazing failure. You should've killed yourself when you had the fucking CHANCE.