December 3, 2012

  • Up's and Down's

    I'd like to say that I'm generally happy -- sometimes I forget that I have shit to do, and that's part of my problem. I easily forget the seriousness of my life. The longer I sit and down nothing, the older I get before I'm able to retire. I wish there was some kind of medical condition that is able to explain why I do what I do, but the only logical explanation that people could come up with is possibly "because I'm retarded." Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the sense that I am fucking up my life and yet I'm doing nothing about it. For a while now, I've gotten so scared that I'm afraid of myself. I know that I gotta get my shit together, but I'm holding myself back. It's the worse fucking feeling in the world. I look into my girlfriend's eyes and I feel my problems just melt away. I am the prime example of living in the present because every so often I'll worry about my future, but I'll just go right back into my present state of mind where I'm here. I wish I could explain it, I wish I could find something to help me...but it's pretty rough.

    I know for a fact that I love to talk to people, and I love to help people. I'm pretty good with naming cars, and I thought that maybe I could become a car insurance agent -- turns out that they work on commission. I'm not a competing type of guy because I feel pressured. I talked to a school counselor about becoming a guidance counselor or something, but she just kinda laughed -- it was either that or a Psychiatrist. I thought about becoming a car journalist for magazines, but you gotta start out freelance to build a reputation. Again...competition. I don't want a job that requires physical labor, I want a desk job. I want to deal with people, I want to help people, and that's pretty much as far as I've gotten.

    I also know that I want to write a book -- I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to write about, even skipped a few Spanish classes to brainstorm ideas, but I can't generate anything onto paper. The first book I was going to write about is actually becoming a movie, so it seems that the only good ideas that I have are going to be taken from Hollywood...SOON.

    Despite all of this, I'm generally happy. I look forward every weekend to seeing my girlfriend because, I'm not going to lie, she's an important part of my life. I believe she's my soul-mate -- why the hell should I treat her as anything less? Why should I pretend to not be devastated if something were to happen to her? Some people believe in soul-mates, but don't think they should put their significant others on a pedestal? Call me crazy, but I just don't get that. If you truly love someone, you don't want anything to happen to them. I'm 22 fucking years old -- how the hell would you expect me to live 80 more years under the assumption that I'm going to find someone better than my soul-mate? She's got a permanent place in my heart -- I would never be the same without her. Hell yeah I'd probably think about ending my life. Because you see...before I met Kathleen, I've spent over 20 years getting ready for a career. But you know what's made me feel alive? Nothing. Sure...I've learned a lot about the world over the years, I've learned how things work, I've made some money here and there...but a video game doesn't make me feel the way I feel with my woman. I am more than just a credit score number, or a business partner. I'm a human being with emotions and a passion for something. It just so happens that my passion isn't building a business from the bottom-up, or making six-figure digits as a well respected attorney. My passion is love, and that's more passion than what I've had.

    Things are changing, though. Eventually I'm going to reach a transition by realizing the importance of my early adulthood. I may end up regretting more than I do now, but only time will tell.

    My girlfriend has been going through some major shit as well. It's a long story, and for legal purposes I'm not going to get into it too much. Basically, we found out that she purchased a vehicle that wasn't supposed to be sold. It's between family members, and she's caught in the middle of it. She's cried a lot about it, and I wish I could settle everything myself...but I'm letting the seller take care of everything since he's a friend of my girlfriend, and suggests that he doesn't like bad business. We'll see about that, I suppose. My girlfriend, of course, has a "bad feeling." I can't say that I don't blame her because I've had that bad feeling before she even purchased the vehicle, and she knows it too. We got past it, shit went down, and now she's gotta deal with either

    a) getting the money back or
    b) getting a different car

    So far I haven't heard anything else, but I'll keep Xanga updated when big news comes up. She loved that. I even got her a some car seat covers for Christmas (though she already knows this).

    Thanksgiving was pretty great. Work sucks, as always, but I'm looking forward to going to Brazil next year. I don't know when it'll be and I'm getting nervous that it won't happen, but I really want to go.

    That's all I can think of right now.