When my girlfriend got her operation, she was instructed by the doctor to not drink any alcohol -- this felt like a victory for me because I didn't like the fact that she was a social drinker. I knew that it was going to bring a lot of relationship complications if she were to bring alcohol into my life, and I kind of hoped that she'd lose incentive to drink alcohol when she's fully recover. It didn't happen, and that's one of the main reasons why her turning 21 in the Bahamas was a big deal to me. Everything built up to that moment, and I just had that feeling like she'd bring me bad news. Of course, being highly against alcohol and finding out that my girlfriend couldn't remember everything about that night...didn't really help anything. To this very day, I don't even know if something happened. Hell, she doesn't know either. The only thing she told me was what other people told her that she got wasted and they ended up dragging her back to the room. I have no choice but to believe her, right?  I trust her. But the fact that she can't remember everything scared the shit out of me and confirmed why I get upset in the first place. I believe that regardless of whether people consider themselves social drinkers or not, at one point...they'll get carried away by getting caught up in the moment...take a few sips too many or mix something together that is stronger than they think it is, and end up having those "I don't know what I did last night" experiences. I trust my girlfriend 100%, but I don't trust alcohol. I don't think she saw the clear distinction when we argued. When you drink alcohol, especially too much, your judgment gets clouded. How much? It varies, of course. However, at some point...you run the possibility of something happening. Being in a room with a bunch of other drunk people that you hardly know, you can't eliminate the possibility of something bad happening. It doesn't take much for a guy to pursue a woman. The question is how far is a woman going to go before she realizes that the guy is trying to have sex with her? Is it with everybody else in the same room, or is it away from the crowd...in another room on the bed when you're just trying to "talk." I know my girlfriend is smart enough to know the difference between pursuit and friendship, but I've never had alcohol...I don't know how bad it fucks you up. I know that drinking while driving is bad, I know that people have died from doing something stupid while drunk, so I didn't completely trust alcohol...and I never will. I have no reason to trust alcohol. Alcohol holds no prejudice against people -- at some point, drinking will impair your judgment, and at that point...I wouldn't care if you were the Pope or 40 year old virgin woman. The risk, to me, is unnecessary. Why would I get drunk to the point that I don't even remember what I did? Just for "fun?" For all I know, two months down the line...I could be slammed with a DNA test to a baby I didn't even know was mine and would be like...wtf is this? When did I get a woman pregnant? Of course I would deny anything to do with the baby because I would feel wrongfully accused of getting a woman pregnant, but then I'd remember "that one night" where I forgot what happened.

That's not something I'd ever want to be put into. I never want to wake up and not know what the hell I did.

And apparently, neither did she. She told me that she regrets mixing the alcohol because she didn't realize how bad it affected her body. Before she realized it, she was already intoxicated enough to the point that she wouldn't remember the stuff by the time she woke up. Which is good for us because we were at an agreement. If mixing alcohol causes shit like that to happen, then you don't want to mix alcohol anymore. I think my girlfriend was scared to a certain extent, and maybe she won't do it again. She also says that she never wanted to get that drunk with those people because she didn't trust them enough. If she was with her real friends, the people that she trusts with anything, then she'd feel comfortable getting to that point...and my girlfriend also says that I have every right to be angry if she does get drunk in public and/or around people she doesn't trust. Of course, there's many variables that come into play on what is and isn't reasonable to be upset with, but we've found something that I can agree on that alcohol is very dangerous and needs to be done responsibility. If my girlfriend claims to be a social drinker, not an alcoholic, then she would never drink beyond what she deems appropriate. I'm sure if she felt buzzed or intoxicated enough to know that she's drank enough, she would stop for her safety. And if she didn't...she know she'd be putting herself at risk, and therefore it would be reasonable to be upset. Ultimately, I wish that she stopped drinking alcohol...but, it's not my decision to make. But if we can agree on SOMETHING, we can come to an understanding. I think that she's starting to understand my point of view, and we're taking the issue to the appropriate level. I know a compromise won't be reached, but I know that my girlfriend makes decisions based on her safety. It's a start, right? I can't guarantee that we won't have another argument, but at least we're moving in the right direction (I think at least).

I just thought it was important to note in my Xanga for later.

In other news, I bought another model car. It's an old school mustang that I went to Michaels for. It came pre-painted, but I built it. I was in the building mood one day and figured I'd by a 1:24 scale Mustang for 14 bucks. That makes like...25 or so model cars to my collection. I'm starting to run out of room...

My girlfriend made pancakes. They were delicious. She also didn't want to go to school or work today, so I get to spend all day with her on my off day. I work on the 4th of July, so at least I'll get a little bit of fun this week.

Last night, I got home around 3 AM because I offered to be a designated driver for "girl's night out." My girlfriend and her friends went to Applebee's and I waited in the parking lot for a little while before I got hungry -- unfortunately, it was 11 by the time I realized I only ate once that day, and the nearest Publix and fast food restaurants were closed. I didn't want to go into Applebee's because it would've been awkward, but I wanted a cherry coke and a quick order of fries to satisfy. I walked in and immediately noticed my girlfriend and her friends from across the room and tried my best to be secret. Apparently I was seen because as my waitress sat me down near a table across the room from them, I saw Kathleen come from the distance and wanted me to sit with them. Her other friends said it was all right, but I honestly just wanted to be alone with just me and my thoughts. My waitress had that look in her eyes and tone in her voice that asked "are you okay?" It was that awkward tone. I don't really blame her because when I walked into Applebee's, she asked "hi, how are you doing?" I didn't answer because I was looking at my girlfriend trying to have a good time when just a little while ago...her and I were balling our eyes out. Again. The waitress came into focus and then she asked again, only this time I actually responded with "I'm good. Just one."

She asked me where I would like to sit, and I pointed to across the room. I had two choices: sit near the girls, or sit across from the girls. I didn't even want to look at them. I didn't even want to be alive. For the first time in a while, I felt alone. I sat down at the table and I felt like it was my last meal alive. What is a guy like me doing with a beautiful woman like that? I don't even deserve her. I'm someone that should stay away from society. Maybe signing up for that dating service was a bad choice -- being single was simple and I didn't have to worry about all the shit that I worry about now. Since I'm not single and with the woman that I believe is the woman of my dreams, there's an unlimited amount of things that I worry about that about drives me over the edge. I feel like I'm headed for disaster.

After Applebee's, I dropped the girls off at the Coronet club. If you don't know what kind of club that is...it's a strip club for women. Looking at the entrance while I was sitting in the car on the other side of the street reminded me of how much I dislike strip clubs. Grotesque places. Wasting money on naked men/women while drinking over-priced alcohol, and women claim that it's fun. The more I thought about everything in the car, the more I just wanted to give up. I was tired, the temperature was still hot enough to where I almost broke a sweat with the windows rolled down, and I couldn't help feeling like everything that is going on right now...my girlfriend receiving a private lap dance, going to the club, drinking alcohol, is because I've failed to be a boyfriend. Of course I could feel that way considering we previously spent 30 minutes or so before driving to Applebee's arguing back and forth, exchanging punches through words, breaking each other down until I was convinced that she didn't want anything to do with me. I seriously was about to break up with her -- she believes that it's because I was bored of her, or something along those lines, but the reason why I wanted to break up with her was because I have the feeling that she isn't satisfied. The last place that you will ever see me at is a strip club, drinking alcohol, or anything along those lines that might even HINT your dissatisfaction...either with your partner, or yourself. I don't wanna deal with that shit anymore. I've been really upset about how things have been turning out lately, and I'm not sure if marriage is really all that realistic...at least successful marriage. We'll get married, if we stay together that long, but do we see each other together for the rest of our lives? I certainly do. I don't want anybody else because I feel like I've found the best woman for me. Does she feel the same way after last night? Honestly...I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes, you really can't tell what a woman is thinking. Right now, I just feel like crawling up into a corner and holding myself. I just want someone to tell me that I've been doing the right things and they understand how I feel, but right now...I feel like I'm a monster to society.

I wish that I could be like everyone else. I wish I could be the "man" that my girlfriend wants in a guy, but I feel that I'm a large disappointment and it's all just a ticking time bomb. I don't know what to do anymore. It reminds me of a blues song "I'm a prisoner, captured in your eyes. I've been taken...I've been hypnotized." At this point, there's nothing I can do. I'm fucked, and I guess I'm okay with it.

Don't mind me...I've just been upset. Life sure is beautiful sometimes, isn't it?

My girlfriend and I had a little episode about our two most sensitive subjects. Throughout our history, talking about either of them has already resulted in bad things happening...whether it's arguing, fighting, or crying. I like to stay FAR away from those topics...for good reason. Things escalated and I felt really bad about everything so I got off work super early to help heal those wounds of hers. Today, I'm tired as fuck.

Right now I'm cooking frozen Angus Burgers. I'm probably going to die tonight from a disease.

On another note, I accidentally drove away from my girlfriend as she was heading to my car to be dropped off at another meeting. I didn't realize she was talking about her other job as an RA. It was funny after everything was finished, but it wasn't funny when I got a call from my girlfriend two minutes after I left her work yelling at me. We laughed about it. That's about it.

I'm gonna go check the burgers for the 15th time tonight.

Over the weekend, my friends called me and wanted to hang out. I was 35-45 minutes away from my house since I'm usually with Kathleen during the weekends. I felt really bad, even though it was spur of the moment. I haven't seen them in forever, and really wanted to hang out with them. Today, however, I came home to a package that contained my RAM, and I installed it on my PC. I can't tell any difference right now, but everything seems to have installed correctly. Another addition to my gaming PC!

I'm going back to Kathleen's place tonight. My grandparents aren't too thrilled because they want me to do a couple things around the house (which doesn't take that long). I told them I'd do it Thursday from 10 to 11:30 AM and finish Friday after work. I live a pretty busy schedule now even though it's migrating from work to Kathleen. My car reached 96,000 miles today.

That's it for now.

Kathleen and I went to see MIB III in 3D today. We also saw two other movies: Promisious and Abraham Lincoln. It was a pretty good day.

I've been dizzy as hell, though. I don't know why. I'm sure a little water and some sleep will do some good.

Tomorrow, I'll be sending a package in the mail for an Amazon customer, and then I'll be heading home to (hopefully) be putting in 4 gigs of RAM in my computer. Not sure if I'll be going back to Kathleen's place tomorrow night or Friday. I'm supposed to mow the grass and weed-eat around the house sometime, but I could probably do it on Thursday morning...we'll see.

I'm gonna start updating my Xanga more often...even if I don't have anything to say...like now.

Just the other day, I was sitting at the gas station when a bloated Jaguar pulled up in the station in front of me -- a man around his 50's (probably) stepped out of his car and examined a small spot on his hood that had slight weather damage on it. While I pumped gas, I watched him clean that spot. From my point of view, I couldn't even tell there was a spot that needed cleaning -- the car looked nice, a luxurious car without a doubt, but I couldn't even tell it wasn't perfect. For a moment I wanted to laugh because of how obsessive people can get with material objects, but then I remembered my collection of model cars and even my own relationship with Kathleen. 

I could argue that the man was being obsessive -- however, who am I to say what is obsessive and what isn't?

I looked at our relationship, and I asked the question: at what point does someone's attitude toward a relationship become clingy? Is it the moment when someone has an emotional attachment to someone else, or is there a line drawn between "appreciative" and "clingy?"

I didn't see an issue with the guy's Jaguar -- it seemed perfect to me and the fact that he would go out of his way to clean a small spot that wasn't even noticeable to me just seemed unnecessary. But what if it was bird poop? How many bird droppings would it have taken for me to agree with his actions on cleaning his car? If it was one and I owned a Jaguar, I'd probably just wait till it rained. If I can own a Jaguar, I'm not going to let a little bird dropping make me take time out of my profitable schedule to clean off a small spot on the car. But is what he did obsessive, though?

In a way, my girlfriend is like my Jaguar. She's beautiful, and she helps me out in more ways than we really realize on a daily basis. I wouldn't have gotten to where I'm at in life without her -- to be honest, I probably would've done something very stupid by now, maybe even extremely stupid, if I had not met this wonderful woman. I'm not ashamed to say that I don't have much money. I have enough money to pay for my car insurance, but I never really save up. It's very difficult for me to save money because I don't make a lot. I make 7.35 an hour, I work almost 30 hours a week (sometimes more), and I can't save money. The reason isn't because I have an addiction to video games, buying clothes, buying weed, etc. The reason why I don't have money is I want to maintain that Jaguar, you know? If relationships are ticking time bombs, then I want to enjoy every second I have with this woman. I want to go out and do things: see movies, ride roller coasters, drive places, have dinner together, etc. Some people have regrets later on in life and say "oh, I should've spent more time with her" or "if only she was alive today." For the most part, we know what we have until it's gone.

I believe that our relationship thrives because I recognize what I have. I know exactly what I have, and I know exactly how I would feel if I no longer had her. I have dreams of what would happen if I had cancer, a zombie apocalypse occurred, and other situations where people don't really want to think about because it makes them upset. No one wants to think about their significant other dying, getting cancer, etc. Many people believe that thinking about stuff like that is no way to have a healthy relationship -- after all, if people are more concerned about dying, they are less concerned about living. Not in my case, I don't think. Y' see...I embrace the possibility of things happening -- and sometimes it does get obsessive. I'm not going to live my life pretending that I'll die an old man, because I may not.

On Thursday, a regular customer came in and he told me more about his wife dying at the age of 45 because of some condition that got worse and worse, and how he was 2 minutes away from the hospital when she died on the death bed. Didn't get to say his last words -- and I'm fairly certain that he's been single ever since. I would be emotionally devastated if that happened to me. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 8 years old -- neither of them have remarried yet. I don't think it's because they can't get re-married, but because they don't want to. For the regular customer, my mom, and my dad, I feel that it was an "all or nothing" deal. When you find someone you sincerely believe is the one person that was specifically made for you, you don't want to let go. An opportunity like that only happens once in a lifetime -- I'm not going to treat our relationship like it's anything less than a miracle. I may find someone who is more like me, but that doesn't mean they are more perfect for me. It would've been nice to find a woman who isn't into alcohol at all, but I used to be the person who laughed at my sister's pain when her make-up reacted with the sun and developed blisters -- I laughed because her cousin and her drank alcohol. I still gave them medicine, but I was an evil person. Being with Kathleen, someone who likes alcohol, has certainly been a challenge...but I believe that she was made for me because she's changed me in so many ways. She's made me a better person.

She's that Jaguar for me. Though people may seem nothing but perfection, it's essential that I get all the bird droppings. I don't do things for us because I'm clingy -- I do things for us because I'm appreciative. The things that I think matter the most in life are the things that need the most attention. Someone's health is always a concern, but going to the doctor isn't going to show me how beautiful life can be. Brushing my teeth may help my teeth health, but it's not going to help me appreciate the fact that I'm alive. To people, a relationship is just a Jaguar -- until you're the one behind the wheel. Until you can walk outside your house and see it in the driveway, it's just a nice car. But if you feel the Jaguar would help you feel better about where your life is headed, it'll give you more meaning. Just because you appreciate something doesn't mean that you cling to it -- it might seem that way, but it's really a choice with words. I'm not going to wait till I get into a car crash with my Firebird to realize that I wrecked the car I used to be a passenger in with my mom. The very seat I drive in is the very seat my mom sat in several years ago when I was growing up. I love my car. No, I don't like it when it breaks down, of course, but it holds a lot of sentimental value to me. In the end, I'd sell my car. My girlfriend means more to me than anything else in the world -- I care more about her than my health, my car, my computer, or anything else. If someone claims that I'm clingy, then I'm proud to be. At least if something bad happens with our relationship, I can truly sit down and say that my life has been significantly better since I met her. I wouldn't have changed anything about her, I wouldn't have done anything differently, because I've done exactly what an appreciative boyfriend would do...everything in his power.

My body has been acting really weird lately, and being 50% sure that I saw blood in my stool two days ago has opened up the curiositity of my health. The reason why I say only 50% is because I've had powerade these past several days and I've previously seen powerade in my stool. I'm not 100% certain on the lightness of the redness -- I want to say that it was a lighter red than blood, but another part of me wants to say that I should go to the doctor soon and have it checked out. I don't have health insurance, so that's kind of a problem. That day was pretty tough because I was working by myself and had a lot of time to think about my health. I haven't been to the doctor in over 3 years or so, so I'm not exactly sure what's going on. I took some laxatives last night, but apparently it didn't work. Either way, I'm feeling better because I thought I was constipated...and perhaps I was. I don't know. I plan on going to the doctor at some point for a check up.

My girlfriend woke up early to go to work, and left me to sleep till noon. It was great. I had a looooong dream about my girlfriend and I during a Zombie apocalypse. At some point, it started getting scary and that's when I decided to get up. It was the best sleep that I got in a while. It was much needed too because I've been staying up late and waking up early in the morning to either:

a) take Kathleen to school/work
b) go to work
c) do work around the house

I finally filled out my FAFSA for next semester. I only have two classes. I haven't mentioned to my family which classes I'm taking and why, but ignorance is bliss. I fucked up my school schedule, and I'm going to go to my school to enroll in the tag program so I can go to a university to get whatever I degree I decide to get. I'm still having trouble deciding, but it's been a rough ride. I've made a lot of progress, and I'm heading in the right direction.

On a side note, I've decided how I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Obviously I can't mention it, but it's definitely unique and something that she would enjoy. As far as when that's gonna happen? She knows that the sooner we move into an apartment and whatnot is when I decide to get married. It wouldn't make any sense to marry her and not live together. I wanna live with her before I marry her, and we're not gonna be able to find a place till she graduates in 2014. So hey...works either way, right? A lot can happen in two years. She knows what's going down with her life, but I don't know where I'll land in two years. I just hope that I'll be almost done with whatever I need to do.

We'll see.

PS. I changed my Xanga up a little bit. I was getting tired of the other font, so I changed it to some Century Gothic. Ohhhh yeeahhhhh.

I'm thinking more about my future now. I could write a whole book about how I feel, but I'm making changes -- internally, but someday externally. I realize that my job at Kroger sucks, and that I can't survive off 7.35 an hour if I plan on buying an apartment or something like that. As time goes on, I start to dislike work more. Today I've realized that I need a new job. We'll see how that goes...

Bought 4 gigs of RAM today, and now I'm enjoying some Pandora music while playing Windows games. I'm physically exhausted, but I'm pretty awake. I need a Coke.

I had a long entry planned out, but now I don't really care to update my Xanga. I'm drinking a Coke right now, and I have to take a dump. Enjoy those thoughts.