Today, I didn't get near as much done as I expected. I expected to set up an appointment or call my mechanic at least but it didn't work out. I tried to fill out some forms and take a picture for my US passport to make the process go easier, but I don't have any color ink. I decided that I might as well wait till I get to my girlfriend's dorm, use her color ink, and go to hear post office to schedule an appointment.

At least I tried...a little bit.

I went for a run -- I ran further than I expected, but I was tired as shit. I recently found out that my neighborhood is almost a mile around, 0.8 miles according to Google maps, and I figured that I'd just count it as a mile since there's a big ass hill. According to that, I ran about 3/4 of a mile which is pretty amazing considering I haven't ran or did ANY physical exercise within the past year or so. I also lifted my lawn-mower a couple times and flipped a 100+ pound concrete staircase piece for about 10 minutes. I'm feeling pretty good, actually. It's very comforting to know that I'm doing something healthy for my body, and I won't be losing much more of my muscle as quickly since I'll be doing more upper-body work outs and what not. I'm not going to weigh myself or anything like that because I've always been a bulky kind of dude. 185...215...makes no difference to me.

My diet is pretty much going to stay the same right now because I don't want to jump into everything at once. Take it slow, you know? No point in rushing because I won't see immediate results in a while anyways.

I get to sleep in today, and I don't plan on being productive. I got work at 3, and I'm gonna wake up whenever the hell I feel like. Hell, I might not even set my alarm clock.

I'm feeling pretty good.

I feel like going on a 30-day Productivity program -- it's where I'm going to spend 30 days doing productive things. I'll list goals, mostly small, to accomplish on a daily basis. For instance, tomorrow I plan on going to the post office and setting up an appointment for a US passport -- that's the first goal. Secondly, I plan on calling my mechanic to see if he can check out a car that my girlfriend wants to get -- that's goal number two. I have so many things to accomplish, and I figured that now is a good time to take baby steps. I know I won't accomplish everything, but I need to try something new. Most importantly, I just need to try SOMETHING. I could add SO MUCH MORE stuff, about the videos I've watched on Ted.com , etc...but basically...

I walked 2 miles today and did 25 push-ups. Tomorrow, I'll be doing sit-ups before I go to the post office. I only have school tomorrow, so I'll be able to do other things as well.

Today I also started the 30-day program.

For a long period of time, before I met Kathleen, I thought that life was a complete fucking joke. Sometimes I still feel that way, actually. I've concluded that the reason why I've slacked off is not only because I was depressed, but because I've failed to take life seriously. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism. When you're born, your parents prepare you for school to learn. In elementary school, they prepare you to learn in middle school. In middle school, they prepare you to learn in high school. In high school, they prepare you for college. In college, they prepare you for a career. During your career, they prepare you for death. Once you get old enough to retire, the rest of your life is going through the phase of accepting your inevitable death.

That's not even the best part -- the best part is when people tell you that you never work a day in your life if you do what you love. The best part is when school counselors tell you that getting a college degree is essential to your life, one of the most important things you'll ever achieve, because it opens up opportunity for a "better" future. We're shielded from the truth that, at the end of the day...we all die. We're shielded from the truth that...it's all still work whether we enjoy it or not. When we take time out of our schedules to do something obtaining money, we're working. If we didn't have to work, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to clean, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to wash dishes, we wouldn't. If we didn't have to work out, we wouldn't. Everything we do takes input, and that input is determined by how much work you put into it. Even if I had the most amazing job in the world, I'd still have to work. For a long time, civilizations needed a form of currency in order to afford goods and services, and the only way to make money is by working -- doing something to obtain that currency. It could be dealing drugs, selling lemonade, mowing lawns, law enforcement, protecting your country, driving a celebrity around town, or anything else. People frown on homeless people because they think that they've all given up on life and resorted to drugs and alcohol -- sometimes, in reality, people are just unfortunate.

Sometimes I think the whole world is a joke. How can I take it seriously? I'm going to die. There's no getting around it, and I've failed to see the importance of life. It's all preparation. Before the ages of 3 is the most innocent moments of our life, and our brains won't even allow us to remember them. By the time you retire, you're enjoying the rest of life using the money you've saved up from working your whole life -- by that time, some of your friends are dead, some family members are dead, and you're ultimately trying to find stuff to keep you busy and active until you croak. Maybe you'll go work for Wal-Mart part time for the benefits, or work at Kroger because you realize that you need a family more now than ever before and they're all probably too busy to relax because they're spending too much time preparing for shit. You don't have time to relax anymore because the economy has gone to shit, you've got bills to pay, and you're dedicating a lot of your available time to studies under the assumption that you're going to get a good job by the time you graduate. Of course, there's never a guarantee. The only guarantee in life is that you're going to die. You might take your multi-vitamins every morning for breakfast, but life can always find away to put your life at jeopardy. People who are healthy can die at any age, just like people who are un-healthy can die at any age -- it's all an average. The more healthy you are, the longer you live...on average. Sometimes people die before they're able to accomplish anything in their life, and sometimes people die when they've been so miserable at an older age that they make themselves croak. We're ruining our civilization, we're going to make newer generations suffer from the mistakes that we make, we corrupt everything we touch, and we do all those things while preparing to do something. Life is all preparation. It's the path of life: you learn, you work, you die. It's just that simple.

Hell fucking yeah that was and is my philosophy on life. My girlfriend is helping me see differently, and I've been having some major conflicts since we've been dating. I've still got a far way to go, but I'm not going to forget the fact that I thought (and sometimes still do) that life was all a joke and there's no point in trying. Cut out the work, and you're left with learning things and then dying.  That seemed simple enough for me -- I didn't have a problem with it. I didn't give a shit about my world, and it made everything in life simple. I had goals, I knew how to accomplish those goals, and that was going to be my life: learn what you can, and then wait for death. The only problem is that I couldn't wait much longer because I was sick of it all. I hated life and everything in it. I saw nothing but the ugliness in the world, and tried to cope by playing video games or spending time with friends. My friends would always tell me that I'm always laughing and smiling.

How can I not smile and laugh? Russell Crowe said it best in Gladiator: "Death smiles at us all. All we can do is smile back." Life is a joke -- I didn't feel any pressure to better my life or anything like that because I was just along for the ride. Who the fuck cares? Enjoy every waking minute sober because I didn't plan for my life to last much longer. I live life in the present, but I think even Gandhi would disapprove of my lifestyle. I'm not perfect, and there's things that I need to change if I expect to have a bright future, but I'm going to be honest with you...

It's fucking difficult as hell to change everything at once. Let me assure you, there's not a day where I don't struggle with thoughts of my future. It's to the point where I'm afraid of what's going to happen with my life. Kathleen brings me joy in life, and I'm failing to realize that I'd be more happy if I prepared for my future. Of course, I'm not your average joe -- I'm a different species. I'm a reject of a human. I'm the kind of human being God would throw away. I'm the human that even Mary would abort if she were pregnant with me.

I need help. I'm going fucking nuts. I want to be everything for my girlfriend, but she came at a point in my life where...let's face it...it seemed that I just didn't give a shit. And I didn't. I see that now, and I'm suffering greatly for it. Thanks Brandon for being the way you are...you're an amazing failure. You should've killed yourself when you had the fucking CHANCE.

I got off work at 10 PM last night and had to open up this morning at 7 AM. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep -- in fact, I don't remember getting any. I was sleeping, but I wasn't getting that restorative sleep. I'm sure the Coke that I had last night had something to do with it, but the dreams I were having were pretty intense dreams. The only dream that I even slightly remember was a dream I had of my girlfriend and I -- basically, I did something REALLY fucking stupid and kept trying to chase my girlfriend down. I'd go to her dorm and she'd have the door locked, I'd try to call her on the phone but she'd always send it to voicemail, I'd try catching her at school but I wouldn't be able to find her, and I'd wait for her to walk to school so I could catch her. The only thing I could catch was a glimpse and a voice, and the harder I tried to talk to her, the more distant she became. It was impossible to apologize and ask for another chance. It was probably the longest dream I've had in a while, and it actually caused frustration. I woke up with my heart pounding through my chest and pissed off.

I was pissed off at my girlfriend from a dream.

Of course, it quickly went away when I realized my alarm was going off and I feel exhausted. I wanted to turn the fan off, lay back down, and wake up at noon but I knew I couldn't do that. I mean...I could, but I'd probably get fired. I'm in no financial position to get fired -- plus, my grandmother would be super pissed that I'm only taking 1 class this semester AND being jobless. I seriously cannot have more stress right now because lately I've been the closest I'll probably ever get to an anxiety attack -- I've never had one before, to my knowledge, but there's been moments where my whole life is swinging back at me, throwing everything in my face, and I feel helpless. There's SO MUCH TO DO in my life, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm afraid about the more I think about my future, the less confident I am at deciding on what I want to do. There's only two things I'm confident about and that's proposing to Kathleen once we move into an apartment. She knows that I'll be proposing to her once we move into an apartment, I've mentioned it several times, and it isn't a secret. I've told her that I would've proposed earlier, but I don't have the financial means to, and we should be living on our own so we can start our own chapter. It wouldn't make much sense to get married and not be able to live together. Besides, when Kathleen and I can afford an apartment is when we'll be able to afford engagement rings and such.

Kathleen doesn't know how I'm going to propose to her. No one knows, really. It's in my mind, and I know exactly what I'm going to do. It's a very unique, Youtube worthy, proposal, and I'm excited about setting it all up and seeing out it all turns out. Of course, that's all down the road.

Here I am taking one class for a whole semester, expected to enroll into a university by next semester, and expected to graduate by 2014 doing the career of my dreams. In a perfect world, it's within my grasp -- however, my mind has not yet realized the severity of the situation. I can feel it's gradually getting worse and worse and I honestly think that until I breakdown, I'm really not going to put 100% effort into everything. I'm still at the stage in my life where I'm in between growing up and not growing up. I miss video games, I miss being able to wake up late and not worry about having to do much, but at the same time...I recognize the lack of benefit those things do in my situation and I'm trying to keep myself preoccupied. Kathleen is a major major source of per-occupation for me -- I pretty much drive all over the place, spend tons of money on stuff, etc etc with my girlfriend and I was never really home that much.

Since I go to school on Tuesday and Thursday, I opened my schedule up for work Monday-Friday -- unless I get days off in-between Monday-Friday, I'm at home pretty much all the time. When I got home from school at 2:30 PM, it was the first time in a long time where I was able to sit down for 8+ hours doing my normal stuff and not getting ready to go to work or go to Kathleen's dorm. You don't really think about how many hours 8 hours is until you sit down and realize that you don't really want to do anything besides drive over to Kathleen's place. I forced myself to play Left 4 Dead and Forza Motorsports 4, but that's really all I've done today. Well...besides cut the lawn, and clean my bathroom before my grandparents got home. Tomorrow won't be so bad because I'll be getting off at 7 PM. Thursday I work at 3 PM after I get off from school.

As you know, I'm taking Spanish II this semester. Today was an awkward day, and I wanted to make it more awkward by wearing my pink tie dye shirt but decided against it. I was going to wear my shirt that Kathleen and I bought in Florida, those tattoo shirt design thingys, but the white shirt shows off my nipples. I'm happy to say that I understood 80% of what the teacher was saying, so I'm predicting that I'll get a B in the class. The reason why a B is because Spanish I was mostly an online course. All our tests, quizzes, assignments, etc were pretty much online. We didn't really learn anything -- well, at least I didn't. Everything the teacher said went in one ear and out the other...so all those terms dealing with specifics I don't know. Telling time? Forget that. Counting to 100? Absolutely not. When I finish my blog, I'm going to try and install my Spanish software that I've had in my closet for a while...the only problem is that it's old and may not be compatible with Windows 7. Back then, it was probably when Windows XP was the new hype.

One more thing that I'd like to mention about this class, though, is that the teacher made us introduce ourselves -- not only did we have to say our name in Spanish, but we had to say what kind of jobs we had, how many siblings, where we live, where our family lives and I was not looking forward to spilling out my information. Especially when most of the class had like 2-3 jobs, one person owned their own transportation business, another person is a chef, etc etc. I know that college carries a variety of people's ages, but I couldn't help feel like a fucking loser when I told them I worked at Kroger. Then again, some people were unemployed or didn't want to admit it. I guess it's better to make 200 dollars a week than none. Even still, I felt judged but tried to hide the embarassment by cracking a joke saying that I like "dormir y comer." I weighed myself today at 215 pounds, feeling optimistic but realizing that the 215 is more fat than muscle now. Eating and sleeping is quite fitting because I sure do love to eat.

At least my car has been working great. I haven't had any problems for almost a month now, I think, and it's not showing any signs of needing repair. I guess fixing a fuse helped more than I thought it would. It's almost got 98,000 miles and I'm looking forward to breaking 100,000. It's a slow process.

I plan to go to bed a little bit early tonight so I can catch up on some sleep. After I install the Spanish program, I might test it out again or I might just go watch Netflix and lay in bed or read my book. I don't know yet. All I know is that I'm not staying up till 1:30 and expect to feel good 4-5 hours later again.

I got work in almost an hour, so I figured I'd type up a long entry while making a pizza. I'm starving right now because I only had a piece of my girlfriend's pop-tart this morning (that cardboard is delicious), and a bottle of Coke. Lately, I've been trying to cut back my intake of Coke by only buying bottles. I frequently visit the gas stations since I'm driving all the time in my 16 MPG vehicle so I figured that I'd just wait to get something at the grocery store or the gas station. I'll buy a liter of Coke at the grocery store when Kathleen and I go, but it's only been a couple of times so far. I figured that if I cut it back, it would be easier to quit. I know that I'm at the prime of my life right now, and my health is only going to get worse if I don't start exercising and eating healthy. I've made a few smart choices since I've been on vacation by buying yogurt as a snack, eating more fruit, and I bought a salad. I've said no to a couple things like baking a cherry pie and eating the whole fucking thing, and buying Krispy Kreme donuts. I haven't made drastic improvements, considering I'm planning on eating a whole damn pizza before I go to work, but I think it's best to take small steps and trip instead of taking big steps and falling back down. Academically, I'm trying to clean up a little bit considering I almost took a full load of classes that I didn't need just get full-time status as a student. I was afraid of what my grandparents and dad would say about only taking one class, but Kathleen convinced me a while back that I only need to be taking classes that are relevant to my major rather than taking classes simply to add extra hours to my portfolio. Don't get me wrong...I enjoyed learning CPR & First Aid, Calculus, Philosophy, Sociology, and all those things...but I'd be in a better place if I replaced those classes with the classes I needed. I would have an associates degree right now, but I was more concerned about having full-time status and doing things that I thought were fun rather than actually contributing to my graduation. I'm paying the price by skipping the Associate's degree and going straight for a Bachelors -- besides, I work for Kroger...what kind of job could an Associate's Degree get me anyway? I think in this job economy, an associate's degree won't get me much so it's not like I'm suffering to the max extent. My grandparents took it pretty well but I had to explain to them everything that's going on and what's going to happen in the future. It's all pretty much...I took classes that I enjoyed but wasn't required, I'm still doing pretty good considering I have over 60 credit hours, I haven't failed anything and still got a scholarship, and now all I have to do is sign up for university and take more classes to go for Bachelor's. It's not that big of a deal considering now I'm realizing what I want to do.

Could be better and it could be worse.

Kathleen and I are doing pretty well. We've had a few hiccups during our Florida vacation (which I enjoyed), and we've had a few arguments before vacation. I don't like to argue, I don't like to see Kathleen cry, but I think that our relationship is improving more. We've both been under some stress, and what we've needed is each other. I think she's the best moral support I'll ever need, so I'm not taking her lightly.

During Florida vacation, the waves were horrible -- almost non-existent. The water was pretty clear so it allowed us to swim around with fish trying to catch them. One time I even saw a sting ray on the ocean floor, and Kathleen and I bolted out of there. If we had not had our goggles, I probably would've stepped on it. Then again, we were out far in the ocean to the point that we couldn't even touch and the ocean was about 20 feet below us. I dived about 20 feet to obtain a dog leash, and that was the dumbest decision I've made. I had a migraine and my ears were popping for a good 5 minutes. I spent over 150 dollars down in Florida, but I think it was well worth it. 60 of those bucks were to buying shirts for Kathleen and I at Wal-Mart. If I didn't buy those shirts, I probably would've done pretty well with managing my money considering we went out to eat a lot, bought groceries, etc. Kathleen didn't get to do everything she wanted like jet ski, but I didn't have that kind of money and I was trying to save it for something special. We got a lot of exercise walking and stuff, read books, relaxed, watched TV, so it was overall a decent experience. I would've changed a few things, it wasn't the best vacation I've ever had, but I enjoyed it because Kathleen was there and it was our first time in Florida. I would've really hated the vacation if the waves didn't start getting big on Thursday. Kathleen and I both wiped out -- one time she got scared as hell after wiping out because she thought she broke her nose. They were pretty good waves, but was disappointed that they didn't come sooner.

I wanted to rant about coming back to work, but I'll save it for a different day. I start school next week, so I probably won't be working as much. I've applied for a couple jobs so far, sent a couple e-mails, but nothing has really changed.

Time for some pizza, though.

I find myself awake at 3 which is strange because the past couple nights I've been going to bed around midnight or so. Then again, Kathleen and I are knocked up on drowsy medicine at night because we've been dealing with the flu. I started getting the flu last Friday, and I've been slowly recovering. It's been one issue after the next -- at first it was a sore throat, then it was weakness, then it was a cold, then it was messed up sinuses, and now it's pretty much light coughing and sinus issue. I can feel a lot of pressure in my head, towards my nose, and it's not very pleasant. It was serious during work, but it's managed to calm down to the point that I know it's still there...but I can probably manage to sleep.

My girlfriend has it worse than I do. On Saturday I felt pretty weak and didn't want to do anything, but my girlfriend has not wanted to do anything for the past couple days since we went tubing on Sunday and she's been coughing a lot. We've had the same symptoms, but hers were more serious than mine were. I felt like crap, but she feels like shit. When we went tubing on Sunday, the river was about 50 degrees -- not terribly cold, but we believe that her immune system was affected by the cold water which allowed her to catch the flu from me.

Makes sense to me. Either way, we've both been feeling bad lately, and now I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. Not like it's much of an issue, but I haven't been able to taste anything for the past 2-3 days. Last night, I had a late-night snack that consisted of bread, ham, and mashed potatoes because I've been trying to eat food that feels good in my mouth rather than tastes. It's amazing the things you'll eat and drink when you can't taste anything. I slowed down on the Cokes because the pain from drinking the Coke is more noted than the good taste of it -- as a result, I don't drink Coke as much because it's not really worth it. I don't like going out to eat right now because fast food isn't worth it when you can't even taste it. A couple days ago, I bought some Chinese food...beef fried rice, and it was delicious only because it was hot and had rice in it. I fucking love rice.

I'm hoping that Kathleen is better by Friday because we'll be celebrating my grandmother's birthday on Friday, and it'll be our last night for about a week for some "alone time" if you catch my drift. Not that it's a big deal -- clearly I'm capable of going a week without any of that kind of romance, but seeing my girlfriend in a bathing suit all week and being all romantic will certainly drive me crazy. It won't affect me as much as you may think because I've been waiting for this week for a very long time. All my life, I went on vacation to Florida with family members as a single guy and I'd look at all the attractive people on the beaches, suck in my stomach with a glimpse of hope that maybe some woman will approach me. It's never happened. Every year, I'm disappointed that I don't pursue and don't get pursued. This time is changed because I'll finally be able to spend time with someone else than myself at the beach. My sister is more of a reader at the pool with her sunglasses on and whatnot -- I'm more of a person who spends all day at the ocean with or without sunscreen. I hope that my girlfriend will feel the same way because I'm really hoping to boogey-board with her. More importantly, I'm really hoping to go on walks with her, collect seashells, sit on a towel and watch the sunset. She actually gave me an idea of waking up early in the morning to watch the sun rise over the ocean and it put a twinkle in my eye because Kathleen is romantic in her own way. I've learned to accept our difference on romance, and I've learned to identify her romance. A moment that really stood out was when we went tubing and she urged me to put on more sunscreen during the two hour tubing session. I was getting kind of annoyed because sunscreen and I aren't very good friends only because I've never really used it and never had desire to use it. My philosophy back then was...if I get sunburnt, so what? But my girlfriend brought up the idea of getting cancer and all this stuff, and that she doesn't want something bad to happen to me. She doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life, and that really brought out something in her. Those are the kinds of stuff I'm looking for to indicate to me that she really does, truly, love me. I know that she loves me, but we don't know how much until we get tested. When I flip through the channels and see Cheaters, I'll take a look at it -- it's always someone claiming to "love" someone but ending up cheating. Some people may only love someone enough to where the problems that arise in relationships are just set aside. When Kathleen and I have problems in our relationship, we try and talk it out. I'm not going to pretend that my relationship is perfect and set aside the potential problems in hopes that things will get better because I know that they usually don't. My girlfriend and I have already been through enough together, and I still feel confident that we'll last another year. How will I feel another year from now? I hope she doesn't do anything to change how I feel, but I feel that we'll last for the rest of our lives. I couldn't possibly imagine myself with another woman. I don't want another woman. I'm convinced, actually, that I will grow old alone if I don't grow old with her. I won't date again if our relationship fails and it wouldn't be because I'd lose all my faith in women, but I wouldn't get another girlfriend because no one would be able to replace her. Why would I date someone who could potentially fall in love with me when I'm the one who will always be in love with someone else? To me, that isn't fair to the other person.

She continues to open my mind to the dangers I've set aside in my own life...about getting cancer from drinking Coke, not regularly brushing my teeth, exercising, etc. Financially, I know that I have a lot to learn and accomplish, but physically is not much different either. I need to improve in all aspects in my life, and it's quite possibly the worst time in my life because I gotta make all these big decisions about what kind of career I want to pursue in...decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I wouldn't even be surprised if I found out soon that Kathleen is pregnant. I highly doubt it's going to happen, but life has a funny way of showing its power over you -- how you think you're above everybody until something bad happens and you're faced with huge challenges such as raising a child and whatnot. I want to be a father, I'm ready to be a father, but financially...I am not ready. We are not financially ready and probably won't be for several years. Not only do I have to change all aspects of my life, but I've practically got deadlines to do everything.

Pretty stressful shit going on, which is exactly why I need this vacation so I can step back and enjoy the little things in life. I want to dedicate a week to appreciating life and what it has given me this past year or so. The gift of love is no small gift. I believe love is the single most powerful thing in this world. Stronger than fear, even. I have been fortunate, and not a day goes by when I don't think about how fortunate I am. This vacation isn't just to enjoy the presence of my girlfriend, but it's to enjoy the gifts of life.

I need to go to sleep because I've *planned* on going to school early to settle my financial issues. Apparently I owe 600 dollars, but I found out that my financial aid hasn't been added. Typically, I'd actually be getting money in my pocket rather than spending money. Tomorrow is really the only time that I have to go even though I have work at 2. I really don't want to wake up early considering I've been sick this past week, but I really need to do a class this semester instead of waste all that time doing nothing -- otherwise, I will NEVER graduate. I'm almost certain I won't graduate with my girlfriend does, in 2014, but I better be damn well close to it. My girlfriend has not settled on a deadline, but if I don't want her to leave me...I better be doing all that I can. It's a slow process, there's still millions of things that I have to do, but once school starts...I'll get into school gear and be able to get a lot of things accomplished. Then again, who knows? I can only hope.

My girlfriend and I have been feeling like shit lately -- nothing to do with our relationship, but because I started coming down with the flu on Friday before work. Last Friday, I left about an hour early because I was feeling weak and was coughing a good bit. Not surprisingly enough, Kathleen and I didn't do anything on Saturday because I just wanted to stay in and rest -- which I usually want to do the opposite. Staying in paid off a little bit because I was able to gather some energy for going tubing on Sunday. By Saturday night, I didn't feel weak as much but I was dealing with a cold and couldn't sleep very well.

Tubing was fun. We went to the Chattahoochee river and paid for a two hour tubing trip. We went with her friends Chrissie and her boyfriend, and I figured that her seeing her old friends again is just another reason to go. Originally, I really didn't want to go because I was exhausted and didn't feel like doing anything. Plus I found out that Kathleen had work at 5 and felt we were limited on time. What ended up happening was we went tubing, went to Zaxby's, went to the mall (bought my girlfriend some REALLY sexy panties that she's gonna try on when she feels better), and then went home. 

That's really about it. Sickness isn't fun.

Last weekend was pretty exhausting. On Fridays, I work in the morning since I'm not available in the afternoon. The mornings are usually the busiest because we gotta get everything ready -- food in the service cases, stock up the shelves, etc etc. It's not hard physical labor...it's just repetitive and quiet. There's not many people in my store that have a sense of humor, and I refuse to be that type of worker that does the job. The last guy that I liked to be around with in the morning was the produce manager -- however, he actually got demoted and moved to a different store. I do the best I can to entertain the people around me because I like interaction -- I can't just do a job without communicating because time goes by slow and the grocery store will drive you insane. I make about 7.35 an hour and with my quality customer service and work ethic, you'd think I'd be a salesman making double-digit numbers an hour. I mean...I understand why I don't. It just so happens that my grocery store only gives you about a 10 cent raise every six months -- I've only been working about a year or so, so I won't be making 8 dollars an hour for quite some time. I definitely have earned at least 8 dollars an hour, but I understand that I work at a job that's most comprised of associates who are working part-time in between school, and full-time employees who have other jobs as well. I've accepted my place right now. I know that working a grocery store is probably not going to land me an apartment, so I know that at some point...I'm going to need a different job. My grandmother (from my mom's side of the family) sent me a letter telling me about 19 an hour job that I have a decent chance of getting if I so desired. The problem is that I'd have to go all over the world doing physical labor like I'm building pyramids in Egypt. I know what going two months without my girlfriend feels like, and it is the ultimate depression I've ever experienced. At least when I was depressed about my life from 2003-2007ish and wanted to kill myself, I didn't have anyone that didn't give me that option. Having my girlfriend, I want to do the exact opposite. Being depressed, wanting to stick a gun in your mouth but yet having no option because you have a girlfriend that you'll see eventually is the worst thing. I lost weight...that's how psychologically fucked up I was. Going around the world, not being with my girlfriend, working every bone in my body is NOT something I want to look forward to. Sure, the money pays pretty good, but my girlfriend is worth more than 19 dollars an hour. I'd rather work at a place making 7.35 an hour knowing that I live just 40 minutes away from my soul-mate than work in a different state, maybe country, maybe continent, and be hundreds or thousands of miles away. I know that the worst case scenario right now is if...I miss my girlfriend so much, I've got car keys, I've got money for gas, and I know where she lives. If I'm upset somewhere else and don't have transportation, there's nothing for me to do besides work or sleep. I just can't settle with that. I'm an emotional guy. I need my girlfriend in my life because she makes life worth living. She is the very essence of why I'm alive today. It's sad...but it's true. I'm not going to leave her for money.

I believe that people from corporate are starting to see my dedication. Honestly, if people weren't lazy and actually did the store's surveys, I would be loaded with positive feedback. Today, a woman had this vibe that she didn't feel comfortable in her own body and I called her a "beautiful woman" because she's been trying to work out. I said "you're a beautiful woman and keep up the good work." I'm pretty good with people. I hate how a lot of stores that have salesman jobs require 3 years of experience. How the hell am I supposed to get salesman experience without being a salesman?! Doesn't make sense to me. However, tomorrow I'm going to a different store to work 7 hours. It's a bigger store, more busier, and I'm not sure if I'll be alone till a certain time or what. I know that people will expect me to have some answers, so I plan to spend a couple hours tomorrow researching questions that I think people would ask. How to cook steaks...how to cook certain fish...what's the difference between this and that...etc etc. And then after I get off at 10, I gotta wake up at 8 AM to go to work till 2. However, Friday is when I get to see my girlfriend again after a long week...for both of us (well...more for her because she's been working and studying for final exams).

Fuck, I hate final exams.

Last weekend was pretty productive. Last Friday after work, I found out my girlfriend had to move dorms. Thankfully, all she had to do was move downstairs so I just had to walk down a flight of stairs and drop stuff off. Not extremely heavy stuff, but heavy enough to the point that your muscles get exhausted by surprise after you finish. I promised my sister that I would help her move and felt pretty good about it too. I planned on leaving at about 6 in the morning, which I wasn't looking forward to, but thankfully my sister rescheduled till about 9:45 AM and I took a risk by driving during traffic hours. I was surprised there wasn't any traffic so I made it in pretty good time. Along the way, I drove past my old middle school, East Paulding Middle school, and I couldn't even recognize anything anymore. I wanted to drive to my old house but I didn't even remember the way. A lot of things have changed since I was kicked out of the house. For the first time in a very long time, I missed it.

I got a pretty sweet deal out of helping, though. I got 30 bucks for gas, and my sister gave me some middle school and elementary school yearbooks. When I got back, I showed my girlfriend my yearbook and nostalgia'd all over the table. Looking at all the people that used to be my friends, I forgot a whole bunch of shit about my past. Plus, I got a brand new lamp and used printer. The printer doesn't have any cords, but I'm sure I could sell it for a quick buck. I thought I could use it, but the online reviews were terrible. I felt like I was someone on Pawn Stars. It really made me want to visit a large garage sale somewhere.

But I've realized lately that I actually want to have a career doing some kind of security thing. I wanted to build cars, still do, but I was never fixed on something as a career. I really do feel that having a career dealing with computer security or home security would really be something that I'm interested in doing. It kind of struck me during a conversation with my girlfriend, and it made me think about the obvious clues that I didn't really think about. I love spy gadgets, privacy, etc. For some reason, I was clouded and I feel that I should focus on majors that have to do with computers and security. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I can definitely see myself graduating with something 3 or so years from now. I know that I've wasted a lot of time and I know my girlfriend is going to be upset about how long it's gonna take me to get a good career, but I think it'll be worth it when my girlfriend and I do apartment shopping. I'm really looking forward to the future, which is not something that I usually say because I haven't always felt confident about myself and where I'm going in life. But you know what? Maybe there's hope.

I've never really considered myself a religious person. I've always believed in God, but inconsistently -- I've doubted His existence on a couple of occasions, but I've never down-right said "God exists" or "God doesn't exist." The reason why I've never made such a conclusion is because of my lack of evidence to support that belief. If I said that "God exists," without a doubt, then people would ask "why?" I can't just say "because He just does." Typically, that doesn't sit well with people. Even if I had some kind of spiritual experience, there's still people who would doubt that God exists because there's explanations. Kathleen and I have watched a couple shows that have dealt with spiritual things and people analyzing those experiences to see if it's real or fake. Even still, they don't conclude that "it's a ghost" or "it's bigfoot" because there's still room for interpretation. There's never any clear-cut answer. If someone asks an Atheist why they don't believe in God, they might bring up the fact that there's no hard evidence to suggest that God exists. Some Atheists are under the impression that there's a competition between Religion and Science -- that for every science discovery, religion loses points. Not surprising, a lot of the people who believe that religion and science is in competition with each other are often hypocrites -- they preach about Christians being close-minded while, in turn, they attack other Christians by questioning their beliefs. Some Atheists might say that they are genuinely trying to figure out how someone can bring themselves to believe in something so extreme. We all know the answer to the question because Atheists have been asking the same questions for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years. There is *probably* not going to be someone, A Christian for example, that can provide hard evidence to support their belief that a Christian God exists. Yet when a Christian mentions faith/belief in something without having any credible evidence and only a book to quote, an Atheist might continue the "questions" until someone gets upset. An Atheist might call a Christian "ignorant" for not having an answer and/or the denial of the possibility of God not existing, while a Christian might call an Atheist an "asshole" because...well...why the hell does it matter?  If there was any hard evidence to support the existence of God, it probably would've been mentioned by now in the news.

If an Atheist is going to question a religious person already knowing the answer to the question, I believe that those Atheists are bad representations of an Atheist. A true Atheist will not believe in the existence of God and nothing more. They will not have the objective to try and prove people wrong, try to claim that they're more intelligent simply because they support science more than they support a religion, or anything to represent superiority over an idea or concept. They'll let Christians believe whatever they want, stand up when an individual questions their beliefs, but does not force his/her opinion down a religious person's throat. I'd expect the same treatment from the Christian who judges people based on certain attributes, and forcing their beliefs down someone else's throats. The arguments are almost completely pointless because nothing gets accomplished. Who said that God didn't create science? What if we are to find out how the Earth was created, but it was set in motion by God? Who created God? We could ask so many questions that are often repetitively asked during debates, but it all boils down to...we will probably never know the truth. And that's why I consider myself an Agnostic Theist because I believe that it's the most realistic approach. I believe in God, but I have no way of knowing whether He actually exists or not. I can't provide any proof, any evidence to support my belief -- I simply believe in God because I know that life is very complex when we get down to specifics, and I just feel that there is some sort of supernatural power out there. Do I not support science just because I believe in God? Of course not. I'm interested in science discoveries. I'm open-minded to the possibility of there not being a God, but I will never know the truth. I can only go by what I believe, and that's why I don't consider myself religious, nor do I consider myself an Atheist. To think that there's a competition between science and religion is ignorant because both are treated differently. Stop the nonsense on BOTH SIDES because we all die. What happens after death is something that we may only know when we die. We'll never know the truth about whether there is a God or not because we can prove many things in life but we can't disprove the existence of God. Believe what you wanna believe, and fuck what other people think.

I'm really excited about going on vacation. After the things I've been through these past several months, I really need to settle down and enjoy company with Kathleen. I've got a lot on my plate psychologically that's been really tearing me down. Getting paid while I'm spending time with Kathleen and enjoying the moment is exactly what I need. I really regret how my life has turned out, and the only really time where I do not think about anything else is when I'm in the ocean. I love to boogey-board because it's never boring and keeps your mind pre-occupied.

I'm finally going to be able to walk on the beach holding a woman's hand. I want to collect seashells, talk about everything together...what kind of dog we'll have, what kind of cat, what our lives will be like, how happy things will be...how happy we are now. We're talking about nothing but romance. Kathleen and I express ourselves differently, which has been a problem once or twice, so she'll have a lot to take in during Florida.

Things have been all right, so far. I really need to apply for different universities, and I really need to start deciding on what I want to do for the rest of my life. Not an easy decision...but I'd like to think I've been making progress this past several months.

I'm also planning on going on a diet sometime, but I'm not going to rush into it until I know I'm ready. I'm planning on cutting my soda intake, and cutting my calorie intake as well. Eating small portions and drinking less soda can help me lose like...10 or so pounds off the bat. As far as exercise goes, I'm trying to figure out household items that I can use as work out equipment. Right now, I'm in the planning stage of everything. I realize that I need to lose weight because I've certainly lost muscle and gained fat this past year considering my girlfriend and I have been going out to dinner a lot. Plus, I never really have time to exercise because I'm not willing to wake up early on a work day, and I'm not willing to spend time away from my girlfriend during the weekends to work out. Don't worry though...all of that is about to change, but I'm in no rush. I hope that universal healthcare turns out to be a success because I'm willing to pay a little bit of taxes to provide everyone with universal healthcare. I haven't been able to go to the doctor since I was 18 because...healthcare is expensive and I don't have a good job. Kathleen doesn't either, and we both recognize that the economy is bad because Kathleen can't get a job. I hope things will get better for us because I would love to live in an apartment with my girlfriend to start our own lives together. I'm 22 years old and now that I've been living back and forth with Kathleen, life is wonderful when you get to fall asleep next to the most beautiful woman in the world...

That's all I have for now. Just wanted to say a couple things...